Avoiding Gold Diggers Who Marry Primarily For Money

by TTMK on June 11, 2012 · 42 comments

gold_diggersThere’s more to life than money. Sure, this blog is oriented around money, but I can assure you that I realize that much, much more to life than growing your net worth.  In the grand scheme of things, it’s the people in  life and health that matter most to me.  Thus, I think that when people marry, doing so primarily based on money is not the best idea.

Don’t get me wrong though.  I do believe that how somebody handles money and whether or not they share compatible philosophies and perhaps even goals are important factors to consider when tying the knot.  But making how much money somebody has or can earn the most important factor is entirely tasteless in my opinion, and really foolish in the long run.

I bring this up after reading a post on My Broken Coin, a well written interesting blog I check out from time to time.  I liked the opening paragraph, when she notes her notion that marriage should be based on love, respect, and also understanding.  This is an opinion that many of could agree with, right?  After that, she detailed the approach that a friend of hers took toward relationships, where the friend openly admitted that she was a gold digger.  The woman apparently, per the post, only wanted to date bankers, lawyers, or doctors.  Additionally, it was noted that for that woman, romance without money didn’t exist.

Yikes!

Somebody please try to convince me why gold digging in general is anything other than an exchange of money for something else.  Really, what else can you say if the guy must have big money to get the date.  It sure sounds like a pay to play attitude! What a joke.

Of course, the guys who go along with dating such people are fools.  Money can buy better prospects for getting a good-looking wife, but does it truly buy the woman’s genuine love? I don’t see how, if the guy’s money is a big part of why she would be with him a long-term relationship in the first place.

To some degree, there is an aspect of this that has a shred of sense to it. The world is what it is, and at some level it makes sense that historically men have been looked to be providers and protectors.  And, men also prefer very attractive women.  I get all that, and don’t have any issues with that underlying theme. But in modern times and in today’s society, the gold diggers seem to be over the top, selfish, and highly short-sighted. Actually, the guys seem that way too if they go along with it.  Why marry someone who doesn’t truly love you for who you are as a person?  Can’t imagine having a truly happy life that way, in the long run.

By the way, I think this totally applies the exact same way if a guy wants to marry a woman for her money. Just to clarify 🙂

To avoid such gold diggers, a person with money should completely keep under wraps his or her wealth and abundance for a while.  Let the other person date you based on minimal money being spent, and low-cost dates.  Give it a few months, then open up and reveal more about yourself (honesty is the best policy, right?).  If the person liked you for who you were when knowing nothing about wealth, then perhaps they passed that screening test.  Of course, they might behave differently upon finding out, but at least you have evidence that he or she isn’t gold digging.

My Questions for You

Do you find gold digging to be entirely distasteful,  or, do you think that it’s perfectly natural and understandable but people just don’t admit it?

Do you see a distinction between considering money habits as a factor in marriage, vs. making income or wealth a prerequisite for it?

Have you known any gold diggers?

{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }

Daisy June 11, 2012 at 8:28 am

Before I give my opinion on gold diggers, I just want to clear something up –

MEN can be gold diggers too. I’ve seen it. It’s happened.

Moving on.

I have known some people who wouldn’t be with a partner if they weren’t financially stable. Luckily, those people had a lot of prospects to pick from as far as emotional fit,and they love their partners.

I think “gold digging” is an interesting term to use for people who marry “rich”, but I guess there are some people that genuinely don’t care who they marry if the person has money. That’s troubling, but the person with the money must recognize that and not care, so if whatever both parties get from the relationship is important to them, then I guess that’s fine with me.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Daisy – absolutely, men can be gold diggers too. I commented in the article that these thoughts apply if the tables were turned. As for the assumption that the person being used for money knows it, that might be true in some cases. For those people, they’re going in with eyes wide open. For the others, it’s truly a case of being shamelessly used.

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John May 16, 2014 at 12:03 pm

Interesting point. I can see there is a difference between marrying someone to get filthy rich and access such luxuries and wealth versus marrying just for financial stability for basic things in life to survive with minimalist and loving partner with money genuinely.

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Smart Military Money June 11, 2012 at 10:13 am

I can’t see how gold digging is natural. Is it entirely distasteful? Yes. As you point out, it seems disingenuous to “love” somebody for their money. I see how money can make things easier–paying bills or paying for services–but I’m tired of young couples putting so much focus on their finances.

It’s a good test for couples to go through periods with minimal income. My parents loved each other for years before they were in a financially comfortable position. But they got through those less luxurious years because their love is true.

-Christian L.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:45 pm

SMM – I do agree that it’s a good test for people to bond through times of minimal income. Not that we strive for times of lacking, but couples that go through the journey together can have a shared sense of experience and bonding.

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kelly@thehungryegghead June 11, 2012 at 11:21 pm

I made a list of 3 Dealbreaks and 3 Must Have’s for my future husband before I got married and money did not make the list in either category. See my list here: http://thehungryegghead.com/2012/03/08/how-to-marry-the-right-man/

However, some acquaintances still labeled me a gold-digger once they found that my husband is fine with me being a housewife despite us not having kids. Sometimes, I respond with how do they figure since we do not own any property or a car even. But most of the time I just ignore them because I do not care to explain myself to others. Everyone is free to live the way they want as long as they do not break any laws or endanger others.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Kelly – I read through your list, and it sure seems reasonable to me. You don’t seem to fit the description of gold-digger! Ignore those people who label you as that, based on what you stated in that post.

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LaTisha June 12, 2012 at 5:52 am

I’ve known people who mention that they would avoid a relationship with someone if they didn’t have a certain financial standing. Is that gold digging? Maybe. But people choose who and how they want to marry. If they want to marry for money it will be a trade off in another category. I think it really just comes down to personal preference.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:47 pm

LaTisha – sure, the thing is, is that a wise long-term strategy?

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Brilliant Finances June 12, 2012 at 8:30 am

I’ve known plenty of gold diggers, I don’t like what they represent.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Brilliant Finances – I agree.

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Untemplater June 12, 2012 at 9:40 am

I think everyone should have the education and skills to be able to live independently and support themselves. Being fully dependent on someone is going to be a disaster. And people who are gold diggers and are so focused on getting access to someone else’s money are going to be screwed when their looks fade or their rich bf/gf get bored with them.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Untemplater – you make a great point, when looks fade, the moneyed person might lose interest. Then, the gold-digger must accept the turnabout, right? I suspect most can’t, but if the other person gets bored and strays, the gold-digger might still be able to get a chunk of gold.

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Joe @ Retire By 40 June 12, 2012 at 10:10 am

I think it’s perfectly natural to want to hook up with someone financially secure. Is it gold digging to avoid dating people that are in debt or bankrupted? 🙂
Putting money first doesn’t bode well for a relationship though. It seems many of those relationship don’t work out in the long run.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Joe – I agree with your last 2 sentences, said it well.

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Edward Antrobus June 12, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I never understood how somebody could ever put money in a dealbreaker. I say the same thing about people who consider debt a dealbreaker. How does a person say, “I would love you, but you’re bad with money, so I don’t.”

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Edward – there are clearly people on different ends of the spectrum. Your comment is almost the opposite of gold-digging 🙂

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Me June 12, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Four years ago, I married a 65 year old man, 17 years my senior, who I thought was penniless like me. After filling out applications for a retirement apartment together, I received a call telling me we didn’t qualify because of all his money in several bank accounts!!! When I asked him about it, he got furious with ME… as if I did something wrong!?!?!? I now have no trust just in him, after over hearing him discussing money in several scretive phone calls, just as if he’s having an affair, and worst of all I have lost every ounce of respect as well! Money is not more important than truth!!! I not only did not marry him for money, I never hunted or even wanted to know if he had or didnt have money. Now… I want out of this marriage to be a full fledged “gold digger” since that’s what he treats me like, so I may as well be one – on my own terms tho!!!

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:51 pm

That’s a difficult situation. Sorry read about this situation. I agree that truth is more important than money, and wish you well.

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shable May 20, 2015 at 5:58 am

The last time i told my husband what i earned(which is five times what he earns) soon after we got married. His mother and every other members of his family started asking for money and pestering my life with demands and their expectations,they tell me not to tell my husband about their demands. To cut the story short, i confronted my husband about the strange behavior from his family and he insists there is nothing wrong with his mother’s demands but he is against any other family member making demands. Now i have another job, i made sure i hid the salary from my husband(i guess once bitten twice shy) even though he pretends he is not the one that revealed my Financial position to his family.He is in the dark about what i own, i do not trust him enough even though he shows he never expects anything from me.

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SB @ One Cent At A Time June 13, 2012 at 6:49 am

I do think its perfectly natural wish to marry wealthy and rich. That’s what we look for in our employer as well. Its called aspiration for financial security.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:52 pm

SB – hmmm, but should that be a primary focus, or should caring about the actual person come first?

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Kathleen @ Frugal Portland June 13, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I dated someone who I think actually wanted to date a gold digger. He thought that his income was one of the more attractive things about him. It was disgusting. He spent so much money and owed so much in student loan debt that even with my income being 25% of his, I had a higher net worth.

It’s much more important to have similar philosophies on money, and hopefully that guy found himself a gold digger!

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Kathleen – why a guy would actually want to date a gold digger is beyond me!

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Anthony Thompson June 13, 2012 at 2:55 pm

As you’ve stated, men are just as much the gold diggers as women. As to your question, I not only find gold digging distasteful, but also dangerous. Those that engage in it will at some point cause suffering or suffer themselves. Unfortunately, there are still those who think that it’s an accepted practice, and will even go so far as to even teach their children that gold digging is OK.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Anthony – great point on people teaching kids that it’s ok to gold dig. Scary stuff, but I have no doubt that it happens.

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LifeInTransition June 13, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I have a friend who graduated with an art degree. As an artist, she knows that she won’t have stable income, but she is used to a confortable lifestyle (her dad’s a lawyer). It’s really obvious that she is expecting her future husband to provide that stability and confortable lifestyle. She always jokes about having me set her up with my husband’s dental school classmates, but I know that deep down a part of her is serious. I don’t think I’d completely classify her as a gold digger, since she also looks for other qualities in a guy, but she definitely won’t date a struggling artist like herself or someone without a means to a decent paying job.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:56 pm

LIT – that’s borderline gold digging on the part of your friend. She deliberately chooses a low income profession, but wants to to be set up with high earners who can provide a lifestyle for her. I say that based on the limited info provided, could be wrong.

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Call Me What You Want Even Cheap June 13, 2012 at 10:36 pm

To me there is a distinction between money habits and making money when it comes to marriage. A man’s money habits are extremely important to me. We need to compatible with our money, similar goals and so forth. If he cannot manage his money well and doesn’t have a desire to learn, then we would probably have a problem. Making money is important, but ambition is more important to me. How much a man makes is not much of a big deal to me, but he has to want to work.

I’ve always been financially independent, so I never really looked for a man to take care of me financially. I am more interested in a partner, not a sugar daddy. Besides, I much rather us become wealthy together.

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TTMK June 16, 2012 at 10:57 pm

That’s a good plan, getting wealthy together. Buidling something together would likely bring people closer together, right?

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Andrea @SoOverDebt June 17, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I understand a person (male or female) seeking stability and wanting to know that their needs will be met. However, I think it’s incredibly shallow to go as far as pigeonholing potential dates based on something like income or profession!

Two years ago when I lost my mind and decided to try online dating, I couldn’t believe how many guys didn’t want to talk to me once they found out I had a professional career. Why? Because they assumed I would only be happy with some mega successful guy who made a ton of money. In reality, I agree with Aloysa’s post at My Broken Coin – I would think a guy would PREFER a woman who was with him because she wanted to be, not because she had to. But I found that guys were so fearful of gold diggers, they’d rather pass on anyone they thought might not be dependent on them. Which is why I’ll be a crazy dog lady. 🙂

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TTMK June 19, 2012 at 1:14 am

Andrea – the world of gold-digging and money in relationships in general acutally is fascinating on many occasions. The notion that some guys don’t want someone with a professional career instantly strikes me as silly, but I have a friend who once told me that he prefered to meet somebody who was not a college graduate. This, despite his having a masters degree! I don’t get that thinking at all, but I guess we’re all different.

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Paul @ The Frugal Toad June 18, 2012 at 3:41 pm

While I find it sad there are people out there that marry for money, I can understand the desire for financial security. I only wonder what happens when the money runs out?

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TTMK June 19, 2012 at 12:59 am

Paul – Bingo! Or, when the looks fade, or whatever superficial force brought about an strong interest from the other person.

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thestarvingartistcanada June 28, 2012 at 10:36 am

Money, power, and marriage have historically been methods of achieving money, power, and regional/world peace. Times are changing, but fool-hearty notions of tradition persist. (Call me bitter/jaded as you will as a chunk of my income comes from the wedding business)

Having said that, I now find myself as the sole provider for my small family and honestly there’s no way around that if you’re planning on having a family. With the costs of daycare often exceeding the incomes of the lower-income spouse a stay-at-home parent often saves money rather than costs.

But all that considered, there are many different types of people out there all with different desires and ideals. Who are we to judge if they want to live shallow, vacuous lives, sponging off the blood/sweat/tears of her OR his partner? No doubt these are the types of people who get bored with their life-choices and then make the most work for divorce lawyers.

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TTMK June 28, 2012 at 6:30 pm

I suppose that if two people are both shallow, and one marries for money and the other for equally shallow reasons, then they’re certainly free to do what they want. Of course, later in life, will they both be on the same page unconditionally?

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Justin @ The Family Finances July 2, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I don’t think marrying solely for money is ever a good thing. However, I think it has to play a role in the decision.
A guy at work told me a story of one of his college buddies that was dating a girl. She wasn’t the prettiest girl (kind of pudgy), but she was nice, an only child, and her father owned his own business. He figured her father would one day want to pass the business on. The guy ended up marrying the girl. They’ve been married for some 20 years now. He grew to know her better and they’ve had a healty marriage, but at the beginning it had a lot do to with money.

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TTMK July 2, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Justin – wow, I haven’t heard of too many guys being that calculated in getting money through marriage. At least not friends of mine, anyway! Anyway, I’m glad that things worked out between the two of them, despite his thoughts up front. Did she ever realize what his thoughts were?

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joe September 28, 2015 at 1:20 am

The idea of marriage being based solely on love is ludicrous. Money and income matter that’s just the cold hard truth. Should it be the only reason to marry? In my opinion no. It should however hold significant weight. Most marital problem’s stem from the lack of money. Either one or both parties should have significant holdings before marriage or hold off until they do. Why? Simple. Everything revolves around money, food, shelter, clothing, safety, education, health care, home buying, legal fee’s and the list goes on forever. Marriages were arranged many year’s ago for a reason. It is a business, a long term investment both monetarily and emotionally and stability is required to achieve success. Look at it this way. When you purchase a home you do your research. What’s it worth now? What will it be worth in the future? Does it have a good foundation? Does it need repairs and if so what’s the cost versus the gain? Why do this? So you don’t and up strapped to a money pit death trap and end up backwards on your mortgage and lose it anyway. Then you will be broke and homeless with no option’s because you made a commitment to failure. Marriage is not different due diligence must be made and a healthy income (s) make a solid foundation. If that’s being a gold digger we all should get a shovel.

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katherine kimmel November 26, 2015 at 6:26 pm

There is no greater pain then dating a golddigger or vaginapoker for that matter.MANY MEN USE WOMEN FOR SEX AND THEN DUMP THEM even murder them just to get free sex . . . Men should pay and provide. . .

At all costs carry a gun and get a bodyguard to get rid of the painful user. If you marry a poor person be clear on the allowance or lifestyle you will provide for him or her. Do not let the poor person rule over your accounts or your sick self. Agree upon shared enjoyments . . . Pay extra to get away from the golddigger whore if you find out you HAve been conned either that or get a great pre nup. Love can not be bought but if you want to buy a girlfriend go ahead.

Katie kimmel artist and author copyright for many years

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mo January 26, 2016 at 10:09 pm

as my late grandfather used to say if you aint got money you aint got no honey.its so sad that all bad boys with money good jobs and their own apartments have women crawling all over them and geniune good guys with little or no money no job and no apartment or house of their own get thrown away by women all the time.and i know good women get thrown away by men alot too for whatever reason or reasons.hopefully this will all change one day and every good person will have found the right person by then.

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mo February 13, 2016 at 9:19 pm

good post paul.there’s absolutely no such thing as financial security.when a women says she wants financial security, what she basically is saying that if a guy doesn’t have enough money to please her then she wont bother with him.let’s say a woman finds a guy with financial security and one day he loses all his money.ill answer your question Paul: the woman will be out the door in a heartbeat.at age 41, ive heard all excuses from gold diggers.these include the financial security gambit, i only want true love and my husband is wonderful and i love him so much and the fact that hes rich doesnt matter when the guy is trashier than the girl.a woman who truly doesn’t care about money this day in age is a treasure but sadly so so rare.the days when women married for true love are long gone and those few decent single women in the world should not take offense to all this because this doesnt apply to you.i cant wait to see the feedback to all this.

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