A proposal, with the guy getting down on one knee and asking for marriage while showing the ring, is one of the more romantic events in the life
of men and women. The engagement ring itself is a symbol of love and committment between two people.
As we know, the guy buys the ring and really hopes she says “Yes” when he proposes with it. When she gets the ring from the guy she loves, and sees that he loves her and wants to spend his life with her, she’s overjoyed and does agree to marry him. Both people are thrilled and so excited for the future!
Amidst the mutual glow of getting engaged, people often start to assess the ring. Sometimes, unfortunately, there is dissatisfaction with the ring that was purchased. Maybe a certain type of ring has always been something she envisioned – but didn’t get when the big moment arrived. Sure, he’s a great guy and one from whom she’s thrilled about have been proposed to. But why couldn’t the ring have been one that was exactly that she liked?
Here are 3 ways to handle it – with the caveat that this is coming from a guy’s perspective:
Tell Him You Prefer Another Ring
If this is something you’ll have to wear every day, it might motivate you enough to simply ask him to get another one. Now, this of course would have to be done with extreme tact. Maybe not with every guy need that, but many men of normal means would. After all, he bought it with feelings and realizing that this is supposed to be a lifetime purchase and maybe the biggest purchase he’ll ever make. Obviously not the biggest purchase in terms of dollar amount, as houses cost tons more. But in terms of importance? Hard to imagine bigger.
Maybe he can return the ring, and you can go shopping together. This way, you get what you truly want. If it’s more expensive than what he bought originally, it might put him in a sticky situation or cause wounded pride. Hopefully not a broken engagement! But maybe it could all work out and you both could be happy if you’re happy with the ring you’ll be wearing.
Ask For an Upgrade Years Later
There are plenty of couples who have spent money on ring upgrades years after the marriage. Maybe it’s on the 10th anniversary, or maybe it’s after the first child is born. Whatever the case is, the ring is upgraded later on.
With this approach, the original ring is a part of the couple’s life together from the beginning, and nobody’s feelings get hurt up front. If the ring isn’t substantial enough in terms of the stone, or just doesn’t look the way you want it to, it’s a way to compromise feelings. You politely keep the ring as is for a while, and then ultimately get something better. Maybe this can also coincide with having additional financial means.
Forever Keep the Original Ring He Gave You
With this approach, whatever your specific dreams were for the ring you wear, they will be cast aside. The ring you get is the ring you will keep forever. Maybe it might seem that you could be “stuck” with it, or you might not view it that way.
Of course, this also means that the ring he gave you as a symbol of love is the one that would be kept forever. This way, the priority is the symbolism and personal meaning of the ring, as opposed the liking the actual physical presence of the ring. Love trumps materialism.
Plus, he’ll always know that what he gave you is something that you’ll always be happy with. He’ll feel respected.
My Thoughts on Which Approach is the Best:
I think that the best long-term approach is the third one above. Keep the ring that was given to you. It was purchased with love, and is a symbol of one person’s commitment to another and it’s given in a very romantic way. Thus, sentiment is thus prioritized over materialism.
Maybe, just maybe, the ring could be upgraded later. Perhaps he knows up front that he couldn’t buy you a great ring, and might be motivated to upgrade later. Doubtful he really thinks this way, but it’s very possible depending on the guy. In this case, again – nobody’s feelings get hurt, and everyone is happy. Depends on the couple and their situation.
I just can’t stand the notion of rejecting a ring and expecting a different one. Should be a big red flag for the guy, in my opinion. I know that might be a massively unpopular statement for some, but it’s what I think!
All of this came to mind when I was reminded of a meeting at a former workplace years ago. There were outside consultants that came in, and we met with them on some project. Anyway, toward the end of the meeting, the topic came up that someone on our team got engaged, and of course everyone said “oh CONGRATS!!” Then the ladies asked to see the ring. Honestly, it never crossed my mind and I’m certain it didn’t cross the minds of any other guy in the room. I guess we’re wired differently 
Anyway, the ring must have really been nice, because there were a lot of “ooooh!” and “wow!” and “it’s gorgeous!” types of comments. Which I’m guessing is a nice and polite thing to do. However, one woman seemed especially impressed, the point of openly saying that she wished her fiancée had bought a ring like that. She actually compared the size of the newly engaged woman’s ring to that of her own ring, and proceeded to complain that she wished her fiancée wasn’t so cheap.
When the meeting was over, we all walked out of the room. I can’t forget the eye contact a colleague (and friend) and I made after that. Both of our jaws dropped, we looked at each other with eyes wide open, saying “WOW!”. Along with shaking our heads. We just couldn’t help but feel horrible for the fiancée that wasn’t there to defend himself. The guy bought a ring, and behind his back it was getting trashed. Couldn’t she just be happy for the commitment, feel fortunate and lucky, and not worry so much about comparing to others?
That whole scene was an eye opener for me. It really got me thinking at the time about what might be some good ways to handle that type of situation that would be classy. Being reminded of this past situation got me thinking that it would fun to write about it and share my thoughts.
Now I’m really interested in hearing yours!
What Do You Think?
What do you think the best way to handle this type of situation is?
Why do you feel that way?
Have you known a couple where something like this happened?
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I think it’s best to be honest early on – preferably BEFORE the ring is purchased. Certainly trashing your husband down the line is unacceptable.
When my husband proposed, he made it clear that he was giving me a diamond and that we would design the setting together. That worked out perfectly for us as I had some specific ideas about how I would like the setting (though whatever diamond he purchased was fine by me, which is mostly what people seem to judge), which we had discussed prior to our engagement, and we had the setting custom finished just in time for our wedding.
I think it depends on how much time the fiance has invested in the purchase. If he didn’t take much time and the ring is more of a token, I think it’s fine to request some changes if there is a return policy. If he spent a lot of time, perhaps you should hold your tongue.
When we were shopping for wedding bands, my husband saw a certain designer online that he really wanted a ring from. As they were way out of our price range, we decided that we would get one for him for our 10 year anniversary. I won’t mind if he switches out his current ring down the line – I just want him to be happy with something he wears 24/7! As for my rings I have no intention to change them at all and I’m happy I had input on them.
I totally agree that trashing the guy is uncacceptable. I couldn’t fathom how the lady in the story I shared could have the temerity to do that!
The way you describe your engagement, it sounds like a team effort that he was taking with respect to the setting. In that case, you got something you liked and that’s great! Win-win.
Ha. I didnt like mine originally but it grew on me. It’s a family heirloom so means a lot and was frugal! I’ll find my ideal ring (ruby, birthstone) and make it my wedding ring.
That’s a great example of how things can work out – the ring grew on you, and it’s also an heirloom. Great stuff!
I actually did not want a engagement ring at all because I knew I was never going to wear it because I have never worn any type of rings my whole life. But my husband, parents, friends, insisted. So now I have this ring sitting in the safe deposit box.
This was a good but expensive learning experience for me. I no longer give in to others opinions so easily. I will always have the costly ring as a reminder!
There’s something to be said for doing things our own way!
Wow, my wife loved hers initially, but as she saw more of her friends getting white gold and platinum she wanted to change the metal on hers. What do you think about that?? I told her I didn’t want to get her another one because I bought her the yellow gold originally and that was the sign of our commitment. Kinda put that sob story on so she would stop bringing it up..And platinum is ridiculously expensive…
I think your thinking here is very reasonable, understandable, and fair!
My husband and I have yellow gold rings that we bought in 2009/2010. 90% of the people I see getting married today have white gold or platinum, but I think yellow gold is timelessly attractive whereas white gold and platinum are a fad.
I think I would encourage her not to look so much at what her friends are doing! Envy breeds unhappiness.
Well said, Emily – envy can breed unhappiness! You said it better than me (I’m not envious though, lol!)
Thanks for the great comments…I am trying to convince her….I agree with you on the timelessness of yellow gold…I have a yellow gold ring too..
I think she should stick with it, unless by some chance she really dislikes gold in general. Out of all my fellow females that I’ve talked to, only two of us dislike gold jewelry. I own exactly one pair of gold-tone earrings and two gold-tone necklaces, and virtually never wear those. So I would eschew a gold ring, and my boyfriend knows that. But I also was unaware that the current trend was away from gold, so I’m coming from a different side than your wife it sounds like. If she just wants it for the trend, I’d tell her that you’d like to keep the original ring, but then perhaps surprise her with an anniversary ring in the style she likes (though don’t spend a fortune on it). My parents exchanged simple gold bands for their wedding, no stones, no engagement ring, so for their 15th anniversary, he got her an eternity ring, and she loved it. But he waited until he had plenty of money to do so.
Though I’m also nerd-forward and fashion-unaware – I want a tension-set ring, probably CZ in titanium, for an engagement ring, and possibly a spinner ring for a wedding band.
My husband got me exactly what I wanted without me being there to pick it out with him. We had a few discussions before we got engaged about what I like and don’t like, so he knew that I don’t like diamonds (and I like the diamond industry even less) and that I think sapphires are far prettier. It also helps that stones like emeralds and sapphires are priced more according to their actual worth, unlike diamonds, which are grossly overinflated because of the “rarity” scam. Why spend two months’ salary on a stone like that? I think my final engagement ring cost him about $400, and we managed to get matching wedding bands that also have a streak of blue so they all go together.
The point is, if you want the big expensive diamond, make sure he knows, and if you’d rather he saved money, make sure he knows that too.
Very well put. My boyfriend knows basically exactly what I’m looking for, and it’s cheap. I do like clear stones, but I’ve told him I don’t want diamonds, especially big ones. He knows CZ (or white sapphire) is not only “fine” but what I want. He was shocked, after his last girlfriend made him buy expensive jewelry on a regular basis, that for his “big” jewelry purchase for me, all I want is $40 ring…. maybe $50 by the time we get engaged depending on prices. So yeah, talk to people, it’s important.
If my dude proposed, I would be so excited I don’t think I’d even notice the ring! Mostly I’d just worry that he spent too much.
If it were one that I really found hideous, I would still love it and consider it a symbol of my Grandma’s old adage, “Never lose your sense of humor.”
But, I understand that not everyone is such a fashion victim as I am– I like the idea of just holding onto the engagement ring and picking out your actual wedding ring.
However, I do understand the women who would prefer to just let the guy know that she loves him and is totally excited about marrying him, but that the ring is not quite what she envisioned. Guys (And I apologize for the sexist analogy here): Imagine that as a symbol of your love, your girlfriend buys you a video game. It cost several thousands of dollars and you HAVE TO play it every single day. And you hate this game. Wouldn’t you rather just let your girl know?
I am no engaged (yet), but I have made it clear to my boyfriend that if he proposes, I do not want a ring. This is for various reasons – personal preference (I don’t wear jewelry & I don’t see myself wearing it in the future) and for monetary and for environmental reasons, etc. However, my fear is that when “the ladies” in my life find out about my engagement & ask to see the ring, it will bring up lots of questions & they will look down on me (and my boyfriend). The whole thing has me pretty paranoid and anxious and we’re probably a few years away from tying any knots.
Stupid social expectations!
My fiance and I picked out my engagement ring together. We’ve purchased matching ceramic wedding bands from Amazon for a *very* reasonable price. I will be wearing the engagement ring on a chain around my neck or on my right hand after the wedding, as the ceramic bands don’t go with it at all. The wedding band, to both of us, is more important than the engagement ring.
I’m with you Catherine – I’ve talked to my boyfriend about not wanting a ring, especially not a diamond engagement ring. It all seems like commercialism more than a statement about our commitment. I’d much rather have the money go towards a retirement fund, the mortgage on our house etc… something that will truly enhance our stability and lives together. We’ve made jokes about him getting peagravel set in a ring instead of a diamond (he does landscaping)… which I think I would be very proud to show off if I did get. True, most people would not understand. But I would know that I am lucky enough to find somebody who shares my values and doesn’t feel the need to spend money due to social expectations. And if years down the road I decided I didn’t like the peagravel and wanted to switch it out for limestone… If I was truly unhappy, it would be worth ‘upgrading’ but I really have a hard time imagining that it would be that big a deal. The focus should be on the relationship and love and commitment between two people, not on the material goods they buy one another. In my opinion
When I got engaged at age 15 (almost 30 years ago), my fiance could only afford a $12 plain gold band. I loved it and wore it with pride and great affection for him. Many friends would “cringe” at seeing the ring after they asked to see it, and I just smiled at them because they showed themselves to be shallow by dissing my ring.
My advice to those newly engaged or soon to be engaged is this: the physical attributes of the ring will only matter for a year or two, if that long. Once you are married, the focus is on the marriage, not the engagement ring or even on the wedding. You will cherish the ring as an extension of your husband and his love for you.
I’ve been married almost 25 years and can’t even wear my wedding ring anymore because it no longer fits. My husband can’t wear his either for the same reason. But our marriage is solid as a rock, and if I may say so, those who scoffed at my ring are now divorced, some more than once, and not nearly as happy as I am. The cost of a ring or the design thereof is not what makes a marriage happy.
Disappointments happen all the time in life. He will disappoint you and you will disappoint him. How you handle those disappointments will define your marriage. Treat each other with grace and kindness and don’t focus on the disappointments. If you choose to, you can be happy no matter what your ring looks like.
Great comment. Everyone can learn from those wise words in the last paragraph.
I’m a rock climber and told my sweetie up front that while I would very much like being his spouse, I didn’t want a ring that I would then destroy on the cliffs, thank you very much. Our wedding rings are carbon steel (try to scratch that finish!) and honestly I don’t wear it either.
We’re happily together for 10 years and counting now.
My main thought: if you plan on staying together you’d better start communicating NOW! And if you’re in it for the cash or status symbols perhaps a life partner isn’t really what you’re looking for.
PS Do a little research on the diamond and gold trade: you might not want a symbol of slavery and oppression to be the marker of your commitment to each other either.
I had no input in my ring at all. My mother in-law told my husband that she had a ring for him to give me, and not to spend the money on a ring for me. When he proposed (very unromantically), he told me that he’d buy me a bigger diamond in a few years. The diamond was the color of urine,and the setting was in disrepair. To top that off, it never even occurred to him to have it sized! I had to pay money to have a ring that I did not like be reset and resized. I fully expected a “nice” ring for our tenth…no dice. When I told my husband my feelings, I expected a ring for our eleventh…no dice. Now we are upon our twelfth, and its clear that it will never happen. Looking back, I never should have accepted the original ring.