How to Handle Parents Who Are Always Borrowing from You

by TTMK on November 5, 2013 · 49 comments

The following post is from staff writer Melissa Batai

atm“Jessica” (not her real name), was best friends with my cousin, Patty, throughout high school.  By the end of high school, Jessica was essentially living with Patty and her family.

You see, Jessica didn’t have the best family life.  She was the oldest of 5 children, and her parents were divorced.  Her father didn’t pay child support, and her mother worked low paying jobs (when she worked at all).  Jessica’s younger siblings weren’t motivated, and most of them dropped out of school before they could graduate.

Thanks to Patty’s family’s support, Jessica went on to college.  She worked nearly full-time while in college to cover living and educational expenses

The problem?  Jessica’s mother, seeing that Jessica was able to support herself and make a good living, called Jessica at least weekly asking for money.

At first, Jessica helped out.  After all, she worried about her younger siblings.  But then Jessica started noticing that her mother was always able to afford her cigarettes and junk food she fed the kids.  Jessica started to resent her mother.

Though it took years, by her late twenties, Jessica had stopped lending money to her mother.  Now, Jessica is in her early 40s, and she has cut all ties with her family.

How Should You Handle Parents Borrowing Money from You?

Saying no to your parents can be difficult.  After all, they raised you and paid for your needs for at least the first 18 years of your life.  If your parents are having difficulty with finances, you may want to step in and help them.

If your parents are asking for money for a one-time problem such as sudden job loss or illness, then if you have the money, why not help them out?  Everyone stumbles on hard times, so why not help?

However, if your parents, like Jessica’s mom, repeatedly hit you up for money, then boundaries have to be drawn.  Though it may be difficult, you can set clear expectations of when you will stop giving them money.  For instance, I can help you out for the next three months, but after that, you’re on your own.

After all, you likely have your own family to support.  You can’t support your parents, too.

What If Saying No Affects Your Relationship?

There’s no easy answer here.  Saying no to your parents’ requests for money may hurt your relationship.  However, if you clearly set parameters as to how much you can help them and when the help will stop and your parents still ask for money, then they are the ones who have chosen to risk affecting your relationship.

My Questions for You

Have your parents asked you for money?  Did you give it to them?  Was your relationship affected by the request and exchange of money?  (You know, experts always say not to lend money to relatives.)

If you get repeated requests from your parents, did you continue to give them money?  If not, how did you learn to say no?

 

{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }

Money Beagle November 5, 2013 at 12:09 pm

No, my parents always had great money habits and laid a good foundation for me to be a saver and to stay within my means. I couldn’t imagine this, though I have heard horror stories like the one described by your friends. As said, no easy answer.

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TTMK November 5, 2013 at 12:12 pm

Compelling post by Melissa…I agree that there is no easy answer. At least, not one applicable to all situations.

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Michelle November 5, 2013 at 7:32 pm

Oh BOY do I have a story 🙁

My mother has always been bad with money, and after my father passed away (they were divorced for 10 years at this point), it only got worse. She has been taking money from me since I was 12 (I babysat full-time and made a decent amount – around $400 a week from babysitting). Then when my dad passed away when I was 18, it became really bad and she took my whole inheritance (hundreds of thousands) and I was giving her $400 a month on top of that. I only recently cut her off…

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Melissa November 5, 2013 at 8:55 pm

Michelle, I’m so sorry to hear that! It’s difficult enough when you give the money to them, but to take your inheritance?!

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TTMK November 6, 2013 at 12:33 pm

Wow, took all of your inheritance!! And you were giving money on top of that too, eh? Well, I’m for helping parents but the way you describe things (and on your site), it seems like you’ve been quite fair enough as is.

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Maria velez January 4, 2017 at 5:03 pm

I am a full time high school student living with my mom and step dad. My mother has always been bad with her money and i moved in with her a year ago, I’ve always had jobs but I quit my last job and now I’m unemployed, however, I get retirement money from my dad with social security now. I mainly use this money for savings but now it’s been difficult since I no longer have a job. I used that money to visit my sisters in another state for the holidays, while I was visiting my mother texted me telling me she took $90 out of my account without asking me. Then a couple days after she asked me if she could borrow $20 for gas money and I told her yes if she pays me back. But then she called me again asking for $60 to get her car fixed and I feel like she is relying on me for money when I need the money to move out when I graduate and I am tired of lending my mom money. How do I handle this situation? I want to help her but I don’t want her to continue to rely on me for money especially when I don’t get along with her that much.

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Emma January 26, 2017 at 3:53 pm

End it now. I’m 32 and my parents still expect me to pay their mortgage and pay for every little thing in the house (even though they have two properties, are only in their 50s and my dad earns more than me). I have literally nothing to my name. I’ve given them everything I have due to constant guilty-tripping. I strongly advise you to end her behaviour, get full control over your bank account so she can’t touch it and then completely stop any money-sharing. If you live at home and work when you are older then obviously pay them rent as you would do elsewhere (or just move out). But do not let her get used to taking advantage of you. It will wreck your life and she won’t support you when that happens.

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krantcents November 5, 2013 at 7:38 pm

My parents never borrowed money from me. A lot depends on the nature of the loan. Is it temporary or ongoing? I think, you should help, but not necessarily with a loan.

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Melissa November 5, 2013 at 8:55 pm

Yes, if you have the money, gift it. Loans between family members are difficult.

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thepotatohead November 5, 2013 at 11:23 pm

My mom has never asked for money, nor has my step dad. I’d definitely give them money if they needed it, since I know they are generally responsible with money and wouldn’t be asking for it unless it was an emergency.

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TTMK November 6, 2013 at 12:35 pm

I look at it that way too. Mine wouldn’t take advantage of me, ever.

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jim November 6, 2013 at 6:07 pm

This story makes me quite ill. I’m the parent of adult children and emergency or not hell WOULD freeze over before I ever asked either of my kids for a dime. Of course they’d give it to me if I asked – which is why I never would. I don’t care if I have to scrub toilets to make ends meet. I would never place that kind of burden on my children. Good for her for finally getting those loser family members out of her life. Sure must have been hard – but it was the best thing she could have done for herself.

Michelle, you have my sympathy. I can’t imagine what kind of resentment that must cause. Leaching off of you for years and then stealing your inheritance on top of it. Move on, darling and don’t look back. Best of luck.

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Riko December 1, 2013 at 12:06 am

When I was younger still in school I paid my parents rent, bought my own groceries. I moved out after graduating and literally had to give them $300-500 every month to help them out. Then I had to move in with them because they couldn’t pay their bills and I had to pay everything mortgage, utilities, cable. It felt draining I was spending all my money on them and then my dad kept asking for loans to keep his business going, 18 k later I couldn’t deal with their constant demands. I felt like the parent I was the one having to take care of everything. Now I have my own little one and they still ask for money, it is constant and I feel guilty for not helping as much but my dad really hasn’t had a job in almost 20 years, I feel resentful and angry and yet the softie or maybe it’s the girl that is used to getting taken advantage of feels guilty. I know it may sound warped to most people but for a very long time i thought that’s normal.

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TTMK December 1, 2013 at 12:55 pm

It’s not normal, and you’ve been taken advantage of. At least, it seems that way based on what you’ve shared. Sorry you’ve had to deal with that.

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Steven October 2, 2015 at 2:54 pm

20 years without a job? Okay either he’s a lazy sack of you know what…. or he’s just given up. Dude you have made your life… you are making it. It’s their fault that they can’t do it anymore. You do and hell I’ll be mad at you if you keep on helping. Lol

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viv November 1, 2014 at 4:40 pm

My dad rarely asks for cash, but I find myself having to fill up the gas in both my mom’s van and the car I share with him (although I paid for only most of it, my parents consider it my car and my dad is suppose to have his own soon) most of the time. We haven’t been able to make decent grocery shop ping trip in the past month (6 people in my house!), he will only buy a little each week, so although I pay for most of my food, I find myself buying groceries for my family sometimes. He always borrows from me and my mom , and becomes angry with me when I ask for him to pay it back. I still live at home (I’m 20) and work while earning my bachelor’s. Sometimes I wish he would just charge me rent so I would not have to lend him money to cover expenses he is suppose to.

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viv November 1, 2014 at 4:42 pm

*shopping *make a

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grace May 25, 2015 at 9:37 am

My mother-in-law has always been a user. She was married numerous times to men she thought would provide her a better lifestyle. After the divorces and time, her looks faded and she is now a 70 year old women living off of the government and NYS. Since disability pays for her housing, heat, some electric etc, she has to ask one or the other of her son’s for help paying her car insurance each and every month. She is bitter and not very nice to be around. (the reason why she has few friends or boyfriend) She actually said to me once that her children “owe” her because she gave birth to them. None of the family likes to visit and she has alienated most of them with her behavior over a lifetime of being a user. I have tried to feel sorry for her, but then she calls my husband up screaming at him to help her and be a good son and never calls me. I just can’t stand it or her.
I guess we’re just “bad” children-Fed up daughter-in-law

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Steven October 2, 2015 at 2:55 pm

Bad Children? Hah. Keep doing you ;D

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Mindy October 12, 2015 at 10:55 pm

I never thought about my mother being a user until today. I never understood why I felt the way I did about her asking for money or gifts or things of that nature…it’s only after I read this post I realized she’s a user as you put it. Sigh!!!

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Frustrated May 26, 2015 at 7:30 am

My dad has never been good with money, I can remember being in situations where he would ask other people for help and he would use me and my sibling for sympathy. One time he loaned money from a friend telling him that it is for beds for me and my sibling, that we were sleeping on the floor, when it was not the case. He kept putting me in Embarrassing situations. A while after I turned 16 a total stranger came up to me and said that my dad owed him money, not being aware of what the man just told me, my dad introduced him as the very nice guy who paid for my 16th birthday party, Which technically I never had,because of there not being enough money.

When my Grandad passed away he left my dad with a huge sum of Inheritance. He bought himself a car and things were okay for about a year. Later we had to move into a onebedroom flat, where I did sleep on the floor most of the time, I grew very ill. I Isolated myself from a lot of people. Later when I did talk to people again they treated me differently. They knew. How? I never told anyone. My dad asked for money. He took me to the church without explaining anything to me, there a guy prayed for me and then he said they will pay for my operation. I had to do a colonoscopy as well as a Gastroscopy . We had medical aid.

I left my house at 18. I started working immediately because there was no money for me to study. I landed a good job and I am able to support myself, the problem is my dad keeps asking me to lend him money, the closer I get to my salary date to more Anxious I become because I know it is only a matter of time before he asks me.

He does pay it back. I am 20 now and it is still happening every month. It feels like an obligation. I don’t have my own car and he does take me to work everyday and back. I geuss the biggest reason it’s a problem for me is the fact that he cannot see that it is difficult for me at times. He doesn’t understand that I have my own life ahead of me too. I feel it’s not fair and his priorities aren’t right. He does a lot of drinking and partying (seeing your dad drunk is not fun) an he is in his 50’s. He keeps telling me that he did not make any provision for retirement and I know that he won’t.

Who’s responsibility will that be? He pushed me over the edge this month he asked me to borrow some money from me, his girlfriend (a girl my age) had leftand she stole a lot of money from him. He told me that he does not know what to do and that he will not survive this month. I did loan him money just to find out that he had planned a weekend get away for him and the girlfriend…WHO STOLE FROM HIM.

Now I’m broke because I loaned him all the money I had left after utilities. I don’t know what to do about this. I love my dad. Emotionally I did get a lot of support from him, but there are no boundaries. I don’t think we have normal father-daughter relationship. I don’t know how to stop. I’m always worried sick it feels like I can’t enjoy my life because I have to be responsible for someone else’s.

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Emma January 26, 2017 at 4:05 pm

Tell him you are broke and have been piling up debt that you now have to pay off. If he thinks you are having money problems then he will likely not put so much pressure on you. Or just tell him ‘no’. He isn’t forcing you to give him money. You keep giving in. He knows you will give in from past experience and therefore takes advantage of you.

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Annoyed judy June 1, 2015 at 10:30 pm

Hi Frustrated, I hate to admit it but my dad is, in so many ways, like your dad if not worse.

My dad has been asking me for money whenever he needed to buy something or fill up gas since I was in high school. I worked part-time then and was always working because he could not afford me with things I wanted to buy. I did not even ask him for money even if I needed because I hate asking for money from people which was greatly influenced by seeing him doing that for many years. He does not even care to pay back when I lend him money because h does not make enough money. In the past, he would curse me for not giving him money and often told me to get out of the house when I paid more than half of the rent for the family, on the other hand he does not pay nothing or rarely pays a hundred dollars out of $1350.

I can’t stand him taking advantage of me and my family members anymore I am mentally getting sick of him. I cannot be responsible of their needs because it is like I am not living my life because he has to use me for his financial needs. It totally destroyed our father and daughter relationship but it seems like he does not care about it or care to know how much I loathe his irresponsible behavior over money. He certainly is not someone who cares about me because his first priority is meeting his own financial needs other than how his “daughter” feels or sees it.

Don’ t give your dad for money because you know now he is not using it for good. He will keep doing that for the rest of his life, can you imagine what kind of life you will be living in? Looking after your father? Do not do it. He is more than old enough to take care of himself and his girlfriend who is as young as you.

Say no, its hard at first but you will learn to stand for yourself and make right decisions over your finance.

Best regards, Annoyed judy

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Annabella December 9, 2015 at 5:49 am

Ever since my mother passed away, my father has been constantly asking for money to me and my sister. We are unemployed but we do get a monthly allowance from our grandma from our mom’s side. My father didn’t have a job until my mother passed away. He wasn’t and have never been a good husband nor a good father. He’s only nice to me and my sister when he wants to borrow money from us. I’m really sick of it.

My mother battled with cancer and throughout their years of marriage, he has never contributed to everything. He missed my high school graduation because he was too drunk the night before, I was really disappointed and ashamed. Not to mention, he is living in my mother’s house which is now me and my sister’s.

I really want to cut ties with him and kick me out of the house. However, that is a really bad thing to do. He just continuously pushing my buttons and ruining the house that my mother had built with her money with ridiculous things.

I don’t know what to do.

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beyondfrustratedDIL January 18, 2016 at 12:14 pm

My MIL is pretty bad. She asks my husband for money very often, and always ”just till pay day”; which she does pay back on ”pay day” but ends up in the EXACT same position (without any money) and comes around asking again and again.
The thing is she has a very well paying, full time, government job. She has low expenses when it comes to actual necessities (apartment/transportation/groceries). Somehow,in the past 5 months the woman had money to buy a MAC desktop, a new Tv, a big TV stand, a new car, trips over night to casinos, she goes to bingo multiple times weekly, she is shopping ALL of the time; yet she can’t put gas in her car to get to work, or has no money for groceries/rent.
My parents have never, and would never, under ANY circumstances ask to borrow money. EVER. So it disturbs me that much more that she thinks nothing of it – hitting up her son while hes working asking him for money. She tries to be secretive about it, she doesnt want me to know (my husband tells me everything). So I am growing resentful of her and having a really hard time even being nice to her. She now has a mooching boyfriend living with her, in her place, no assets or any job, nothing really to contribute to their relationship at all. They both gamble on ‘date nights’ -which we only have had a handful all year and they seem to do every week.
My husband makes a decent living, but he works his ass off for it, long hours 8am-8pm 6 days a week. We have two small children, I am home taking care of them and I work part time. We pay our bills, we have a mortgage, car loan, heat & utilities, groceries along with all the expenses that come with raising two small children.
My husband refuses to say anything to her about it, and continues to give it to her when she asks. I am at a loss of what to do. Her behavior and lack of maturity actually are appalling . I dont even want her looking after my children – if she can’t take care of herself then how can I expect her to make grown up decisions when it comes to my children’s welfare? She is always asking to take our kids for the day and I keep having to refuse. Im stuck in a tough place, if It were my parents Id sit them down and explain exactly why I will not lend them any money until some serious life changes are made.

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frustrated January 29, 2016 at 12:13 pm

I am in the same EXACT situation. I thought I was crazy or frustrated for no reason, because my MIL always pays back my husband, her son. But he should not be her personal bank. I think she is taking advantage of him. I am resentful and also don’t like to see her with my children because of her secrecy and disrespect she has shown me in the past. She is a user, an opportunist, mooches off other people and makes my husband feel responsible for taking care of her, when she can easily take care of herself. To other people, she is super nice, constantly complimenting everyone on everything, to the degree it makes you feel uncomfortable. But I see through her fakeness and try to avoid her as best I can. My husband and I recently started going to marriage counseling and this is one of our big issues that we have started discussing. I wish you good luck and if I hear any good advice over the next few weeks, I will post again. Right now, I try to focus on being a good mom to my kids and showing them good examples, so they can make good life choices and have good control of their money in the future. Best of Luck to you!

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Emily March 4, 2016 at 5:20 am

At the moment im in most of these scenarios, my dad dosent support my 2 sisters and myself at all so I have had to pick up two bartending jobs on top of a-levels. Recently its been financially hard for my mother and asked me to borrow money from a loan company to help her. Iv been helping her financially for a while. Dont know what to do because I haven’t borrowed money myself before, any advice?

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Emma January 26, 2017 at 4:14 pm

Do NOT borrow a loan!!!! I worked as a financial advisor for years! This wrecks people’s lives! If she wants to destroy her credit rating and get stuck in debt, then let her. But RUN A MILE from loan companies!!!!

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Jess April 1, 2016 at 6:46 pm

Hello everyone. I am so happy that I found this blog with people venting about this issue. It is quite refreshing to know that I am not the only one. Like others, my dad constantly is having an emergency and needs financial help from me. The issue is my dad is truly my best friend and we have a great relationship. When I was a child my dad would literally give my sister and I the world and he did. New cars in high school, paid rent for fancy condos in college, the freshest clothes, family vacations, you name it. My dad even put me in several great financial situations to make money. The issue is that after the recession hit, money stopped growing on trees. My dad was struggling…bad. From having hundred of thousands of dollars to nothing. He was wiped out by the recession. He foresaw it coming but my mom was determined to not down size. The past years I have loaned my dad so much money, some paid back, most not. My dad does have some health issues that puts him out of
commission sometimes (gout, diabetes, severe excema). Stress makes him get other illness so I feel compelled to help him rather than cause him more stress which = more illness= no work. My issue is he rarely pays you back how you gave it to him. He needs $200 and will pay back next Friday, next Friday turns into 2 months later and $75 back. Because he is accustomed to having so much money he struggles with living on a budget. I am always his safety net when he over spends and at 27, I am officially learning to say no. I own my own house and have more overhead than him. It makes me sad because I would give my parents the shirt off my back and I have given them my last dollars. I had to help my mom at one point as well but she is much more determined to pay me back. She hasent paid me back either but her situation has not been the recurring one like my dad. Unlike my sister, I am the yes man. My dad knows to not even ask my sister. She will say no and not think twice. She also makes double my salary and is 2 years older than me. Because my fiancée does well that constitutes her feeling like we are on an even playing field because she is single. I’ve given my dad down payments on cars, groceries, big loans, title pawns you name it. There are no boundaries. Anything to save him out of his financial bind that occurs every month. We both recently got very large settlements from a bad accident and my dad got more than me and of course all of his is gone. That was 6 months ago. I still have 70% of mine because I have no safety net so I live responsibly. Granted he is the reason why I got such a large sum but I feel like that was also the universe paying me back for everything I’ve done over the years. I feel like if I am so frivolous again the universe will not be so forgiving. It is annoying how blind he is to not see how bad he is with budgeting and holding onto money. Like I said, I am finally at the point where I am going to retire my cape and let him get stronger financially on his own, afterall what did he do before me?

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benjamin April 18, 2016 at 6:00 pm

My mom has been taken money from me for my grandma every time they go out but every so often she asks for money for groceries i get that but she always says oh ill pay u next Wednesday but she never does. So i go to buy food with her and she has hundreds and she took 135 from me

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Nik May 20, 2016 at 4:18 am

My mum has been asking me for money ever since i started University and got a student loan (which, i will have to pay back when i earn enough). I got calls weekly asking for money for this and that because she couldnt ‘afford’ anything she needed – i wasnt even living at home, i was in a different city. She constantly guilted me using my little brother as an excuse – it was so much hassle for me wiring her the money online to her bank account. Baring in mind i never got this money back, i think i gave her most of my loan, that i was supposed to live on!
Sadly, i had to move back home after university, i was on benefits for a ahort time (hated every minute of it, though it helped) but she thought it suitable for me to give her half of what i received weekly, which left me with around £30 to keep myself afloat.
Then i got a job, its part time though she still gets rent from me of £120 a month. On top of that she is constantly asking me for money, until next week or until two days time etc, if i do give her it, on the day she is supposed to give it back she has an excuse as to why she cant. Im not even talking small amounts either, she will ask for £50-80 a time, and sometimes even asks for my rent in advance.
The thing is though, i dont cost her anything, i buy my own clothing, wash my own laundry, buy my own food etc. She never uses the money i give her for useful things either, she has a partner who in my opinion is the laziest peraon i have ever known, he doesnt want to work- she doesnt work either. She just spends the money i give her on stuff that he wants, beer, cigarettes, taleaways etc. Her asking for money so much doesnt make me feel like her daughter, im more of a cash cow or her own personal bank account. I cant even save up enough money to move out because its so expensive and she keeps asking me for money.
She doesnt even have any shame about it, she never apologises or feels bad for asking – nobody else ib my family knows how much pressure she puts on me to give her money so much. Once i move out i plan on cutting all ties with her both emotionally and financially.

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Emma January 26, 2017 at 4:22 pm

Good. You will feel 100x better for it! You don’t get to choose your parents. Sometimes you are lucky and get parents that want to help and support you to grow into a successful independant adult. Other times you aren’t so lucky and get narcissist parents that never grew up themselves and view kids as cashcows to support their own lifestyle. If you are unlucky enough to get stuck with the latter type then sometimes the best you can do is just cut all ties and go it alone.

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Jamie July 14, 2016 at 11:20 pm

Try this one on for size…. My parents divorced when I was 5 then my mother met a lazy no good for nothing loser who only worked enough for Employment Benefits then took layoffs so he could sit on his ass and no NOTHING expect point fingers at everyone and talk like he knows everything…. At age 12 when I first met him I seen right through him and warned my mother to dump him however she never did…. Now my mother is 65 years old and struggling every month to scrape enough money together to pay monthly expenses and his idea of helping is letting her take care of everything!!!!!! So guess who gets phone calls every few months asking to borrow money!!!! ME!!!! It makes my blood boil because this loser does nothing however it’s too late for him to get a job never mind the fact he’s the laziest person on this planet…. I feel like strangling this loser…..

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currious September 30, 2016 at 10:00 am

I came here after my MIL asked for 300$ to avoid yet another round of overdraft fees because they’re still overdrafting. I advised my wife to not give them or loan them money.. They’ve always been needy like this and constantly asked for financial favors though never a straight loan. I know without a doubt if we loan them money they will be back next month asking for the same thing. To add to this, both me and my wife work full time, I go to school full time, and we paid for our own wedding a year ago. They have other children (my wifes siblings) living at home and giving them all their money monthly.

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broke October 6, 2016 at 7:56 pm

My mother is the kind of person that avoids bills until something is disconnected then comes begging me to “borrow” money and then avoids paying me back at all costs. She also gets angry when I ask her to pay me back. It’s gotten to the point where I have some stuff in my name that she’s agreed to pay on time and she never does which is no doubt affecting my credit score. I work 2 jobs and barely afford my expenses but I ALWAYS make sure my bills are paid on time even if it means I can barely eat until my next paycheque.

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Jess October 7, 2016 at 8:53 am

Reading all these comments hurts. My mom makes more money then me and she spends it all on yarn and coloring books and then I am forced to feed her and the reason why the comments hurt is because I thought this was a normal thing that moms just do and after reading the comments I realize that I have no clue what a real mother is supposed to be like and that hurts.

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Emma January 26, 2017 at 4:34 pm

I feel your pain. I thought this was normal too until I moved out. Even then it took me years to realise no one else had rich parents OVERCHARGING their minimum wage daughter for rent, buying holiday homes instead of lending me a single penny for university (which THEY demanded I had to go to for my entire childhood), refusing to offer me a bed when the recession took my job without BACKDATING rent money and not once helping me out when I was broke due to paying off debts that I had to take out to support myself when unemployed… or, you know, ever! I had to PAY THEM for basic stuff when I was in highschool. I earned money for doing household chores, working in card factories at the weekend and a fast food place a couple of nights a week to save up for college. I had to buy clothes, lunch and any rides from them, as well as giving them 20% of my take home pay. AT 15-16!!!! And my parents aren’t poor! They have a huge expensive house paid off in the UK plus an extra property abroad. They (and others in my family) constantly question why I don’t have my own home, can’t afford to drive in my 30s, haven’t got married, haven’t been on holiday in a decade and don’t go out and socialise. BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY AND BROKE BEING THE DAMN CASH COW FOR EVERYONE!!! And I thought this was absolutely perfectly normal! If they ever dare ask me for help with anything when they hit old age I will laugh so hard! I will never have my own children because I’ve been an exhausted parent for two idiot selfish kids since the day I was born!

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Dax October 20, 2016 at 12:06 pm

Wow – great stories everyone. I’m glad to know there are more than just a few of us with this problem.

My mother has always been a medium-low wage worker living at or below a living wage. She started asking for money 300-600 at a time when I was in college. Eventually it became paying her phone bill, her car insurance, gas money, etc.

It’s been going on for years now, and she’s been out of work for quite some time, with many medical visits, etc. It’s been getting bad the last year and a half, where every month or every two weeks I’m needing to give her $100 or so. We’re trying save money while we’re in our twenties, and save up for a wedding and to adopt kids, and although we make decent salaries as a couple, it’s still a hindrance to our well being. We can afford to help out, but it puts us in a bind when it comes to saving, and it’s gotten out of hand.

I’ve began noticing that my mom will lay hints on the phone like “I might have you put some money in the account for my medical payments next week” or “I might have you give me some gas money to get to the doctors’ office”.

It’s become like she’s halfway expecting to receive money from me… and I’m done with it.

Reading through these statements helped me realize that I need to have a conversation about it, and let her know that it’s putting our relationship, and my financial future and well-being at risk. She’ll need to get money elsewhere.

I have no problem paying the phone bill or insurance, but I can’t shell our $100 every week.

Thanks everyone!

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Annoyed DIL November 2, 2016 at 9:09 am

I’m so glad I found this site. My MIL asked us for $ right after we first got married. THATS should have been the first red flag! 6 years later, she still asks to borrow $$ all the time and we are unable to save at all because of it. She always is in a bind at the end of the month and near holidays etc. She like to spend on her hair, nails, clothes and shopping spree but expects everyone else to help her with bills, car payment, flights across the country, to other countries, etc. Come to think of it I don’t think she has ever paid for any of her plane tickets! I get angry everytime! She used to not payback sometimes. Now she only pays back half of the $ she owes or by the time she does pay back we are in a bind because it took her so long to pay! I hate it, but my husband deals with her regarding her borrowing now and tells her what day she has to pay him back by so he is holding her more accountable. I write down and document everytime she borrows $ too that way there is a paper trail of her bad track record. She also asks for $ from my brother in law and sister in law too. She expects her children to support her spending problem!! So far that is working somewhat. My parents Never ask us for $ so her needing it regularly really still bothers me to this day. If only I would have known all this before we married I would have maybe thought twice! I hope this helps someone else because I’m at my wits end!

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joey December 29, 2016 at 9:58 am

This has been going on since I was 9; money from my first paper route saved(1k)used to pay for my own plane ticket. Then when I was 19; my mother convinced me to lend my savings(3k)so my older brother could have a down payment for a car. He let me drive the car for a year after cutting me off and never paying me back. At 25 my mom saw that I was able to save money even after contributing for household expenses, she would always approach me for loans and even bought jewelry after asking to help with her cc bill. By 28 the brother and his wife tried asking me and my mother for a downpayment for a condo. they take frequent vacations and are financially irresponsible, they threw a huge tantrum when did not get what they wanted. Since then my mother has occasionaly burdened me with her line of credit debt payments. At 30 I had a gf live with us in hopes of marriage, our culture encourages staying with family and helping elders but I think elders should also leave you with some basic tools to help back. The gf was quick to note my mother’s using ways and it was a partial force behind our split. My father always lived within his means, but never was able to afford to do extra for me and mother. After his last job loss he went back to homeland with the promise of liquidating property; it has been 6yrs since and no sign of liquid. I’m 36 now and I just want to get away. If I refuse to be treated like a personal ATM she throws tantrums, its quite disturbing. I figured out a few year back that it was the family cycle between her parents and siblings that she is continuing, I hope to break out of this cycle. I have close friends that are also family orientated and they do not approve of my family’s guilt trip loan seeking ways, suggesting I protect myself., every Christmas feels empty and I succumb to heavy drinks as a result; when I look around and realize my realities. I know I bounce back and carry on strong, I also realize all this is not my fault. I know there is a god; he is watching and he’ll make this better one day allowing me to move on with my life. Draw some comfort knowing I’m not alone.

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Mik January 18, 2017 at 9:49 pm

Yes let my parents borrow $500 from me twice. Then we got in a huge argument and my mom said she wud never borrow money from me again. But sadly they moved on to my younger sister. My mother is able to get a full time job but chosen not to. She just works 3 days a week. My parents complain that we won’t have money for our bills. When they are the ones that need money from us. I’m not in a good relationship with my parents anymore I live at home but try to avoid them as much as possible. It makes me so mad that my sister wanted to get a loan for a new car but couldn’t because my parents took money out of her account. It makes me mad that my mother cud work full time and have money to support everyone. But she choose to be lazy, unmotivated and wants to use me and my sister so she doesn’t have to work as much. Yes I miss being closer with my parents but after this and other things I can’t be close to them. I can barely talk to them without getting mad. Most days I feel like I don’t even have parents. They never saved money for us or tried helping us much. They have only been bringing us down

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Emma January 26, 2017 at 4:40 pm

How did your mother take money out of your sister’s savings account? Bank accounts require a card or PIN number or some sort of security to get into.

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Haz Kit March 4, 2017 at 10:54 am

My husband and I (with our 2 children) are staying at my stepdad’s house, so we offered to cover all the bills (water, electricity, internet) and we also do the groceries for the household – condiments, coffee, toiletries for the whole household. My stepdad never asked for anything else but my mother is unbelievable. I have given her money to set up her canteen and as we have agreed, she covers for the meat and pultry since my hubby and I rarely eat at home coz we are at work. Only the kids do. But my mom “borrows” money non-stop which never gets returned and gets mad if we say no.
And it makes me worry if we move out coz it’s gonna be twice the expenses. We simply hand her the cash for the electricity and water bills but I have a strong feeling she tapped our electricity since I’m no longer seeing any bill in our house. So if we move out she would continually ask for a huge amount of money while my hubby and I are paying for our house.😢

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A.Smith May 12, 2017 at 5:20 am

My husband’s mother and 4 siblings moved into our home in June of 2016 because they were being evicted from an apartment that his mother rented after the sale of her home. My husband’s father took off leaving her and her 4 youngest to fend for themselves. My husband paid the mortgage on that house until it sold, paid the bills, even cell phones for the kids. Once the house sold, his mom offered to help my husband start up his business and gave him $4,500 back from what she made off the sale of the house. At this point, he had paid for her divorce attorney plus all the bills. We assumed it was a wash and that she would not be asking for the money back.
Well, we were wrong. She and the kids lived here mostly rent free for almost 11 months. They just moved out. I did the math and if they had paid rent and phone bills, we are owed right at $4,000. His mother is texting and calling daily asking for “her money”. How is this fair? How do you toss your son out at 17 years old? Offer to help him get his business going, then spit in his face after he helps you for nearly 3 years?
She also is on food stamps, even though her kids are all over the age of 17 and have good paying jobs. I admit it, I reported her as committing fraud.
She has 2 older kids that she has asked for cars, even though we already have her 2, which she destroyed and we repaired on numerous occasions. We took one back and one sibling has the other. Whatbkills me? We paid her to watch our kids when I was working. She’s their grandma and we paid her like a nanny. TOTALLY CRAZY RIGHT? My husband is ignoring her, but today she was going through my mailbox, even through she already moved. I told my husband and he said she asked him to put cash in there. Like, WTF???!!! That is insane! Ask the 4 kids you’ve got living with you for that money. They work. They live with you and they owe us too. No more handouts & I could care less if I ever see them again now that everything is all about money. Done!

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Sigh May 22, 2017 at 7:32 pm

I am 18 years old and just graduated high school. I was even about 350 dollars by various family members and a drawing at school. I took 250 of it out to put in the bank today to save for a laptop for college but when I recounted it I was missing 50 of that and 40 of the money I was going to keep with me. I looked everywhere for and even asked my mom where it could be. She said she put it out and told me where but I still couldn’t find. I begged her to help me find it. I was in tears by this point. She told she spent it and would get it from her savings account tomorrow. I just left the house. I couldn’t stand to look at her. She doesn’t have a savings account.
This isn’t the first time either. When I was younger any money given to me for any reason she would somehow get if I didn’t spend it right away. She would sometimes ask for it then turn around and hand it to my older brother who had a job. It’s gotten to point now where it keeps me up at night. I don’t know what to do

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Andi May 24, 2017 at 1:53 am

I am 46 years old, I have been giving money to my family for as long as I can remember. I’ve had a good job as a secretary for 18 years and honestly – my mother hasn’t worked a steady job since I was 15. My step father lost his business and retired. My grandmother, a gambler, has been borrowing money from me for years…after my grandfather died a couple of years ago it got worse. She almost lost her condo because she took 5 different title loans out on her crap Ford Escort at 58% – 115% interest. I was able to put her in touch with a free law clinic and have it settled but I had to pay her mortgage, and her home owners tax and her condo fees and all of the penalties. Now – well my grandmother doesn’t even call to ask – she just sends me the bills when they are 6 months late and she is about to lose the house, or electricity or have the condo association place a lien on her condo. It would be one thing if we were a family – if I maybe got a call on my birthday or Christmas – but none of them call unless it is for money.

A few years back my mother was living in San Diego with a room mate – my brother was living with me because he was supposed to go to college and live in the back room of my house for the total sum of $200 a month – in Los Angeles. He got a job at an auto parts store and decided he didn’t want to go to college – but he also didn’t pay the rent and borrowed money from me and bought two cars while he lived here. I sound like a friggin moron…but the story continues. So my brother tells me that my mother’s roommate called the police to have my mother move out because she wasn’t paying rent. The police said they couldn’t do anything – give her a 3 day notice and then call them back to arrest her for not complying with the three day notice. It was day 2 when I called her and said she should let my brother and I come get her and her stuff. I told her she could stay with me for two weeks – catch her breath, look for another roommate in SD and get things together. After week three I asked how the room mate search was going. Well…apparently it wasn’t going anywhere. She said I had told her she could stay for two months!!! Ummm…..no way would I say that. Then she did exactly nothing – she stayed a whole two months even knowing I told her two weeks and she had to go.

So she and my brother decided to move out together – my brother wanted to help her get back on her feet. When I refused to co-sign for an apartment for them I became the bad guy. I was yelled at and told off by them.

In the meantime, I’ve been giving money to my 86 year old grandmother. I got a call from her a few weeks ago saying she had no money for food – which is impossible because it was the 3rd of the month – the day she gets her social security check. It just felt weird – the whole conversation felt off. Well – I called my mother for Mother’s Day and found out that my grandmother has a boyfriend – who has been giving her money and taking her out to gamble…and she’s had him for 9 months. I am such a schmuck. My GRANDMOTHER has been conning me out of money. Pathetic.

And to top it off, today – a full week and a half since Mother’s Day – when I finally called my mom to wish her a good day – after not speaking to her for 2 years – she called me for a “favor” “Can you loan me $400? ” Really?

So to all of you that have posted here over the years, thank you. Thank you for telling your stories because you can’t make this up. The heartache, guilt, anger and resentment is real. I don’t feel as alone as I did and honestly, typing out this long damn story made me realize that I am financially irresponsible. Giving money to my family for over 25 years with no pay back. Relationships built on the threat of not loving you because you don’t give them cash – my grandmother ripped up all the photos of my mother and my brother because they didn’t give her money. How is that right?

I can no longer be a part of this crazy damn story. I have worked hard to put away for my retirement, save money for my son’s college (he’s 6) and I worked a job I didn’t really like because it meant I had two pensions. I have done everything to make sure that I am secure in retirement but am in debt now – no thanks to paying for thousands of dollars to my grandmother over the past 10 years.

At some point we need to take responsibility for ourselves. We need to say no. It is their life – I can type it but I also know I can’t let my grandmother end up on the street. An emotional burden that I know you all understand. So I will do my best to say no, make it hard for them to ask for money – and try to take care of my family and my personal finances before ever paying their bills or loaning them money again. I apologize for the long post, thank you again.

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alamoms July 11, 2017 at 8:29 am

My mother has been re-married 4 times, my father left with her bf when i was 11 and she later re-marries a douche who didn’t want someone’s kids around so she quickly shot my sister to care, and then a year after did the same to me. After he left and I had been in care and was a student living on benefits to get through school, she would call me monthly to pay her overdraft and she would give it back. I became this.

Later in life when I was trying to go through college she offered me to stay, she had a boarder and was on 3rd marriage, I was made to pay 2 x what her boarder paid and I had even paid her up for the full year with my student loan.

She became a tyrant and if I so much as used the milk she would snap because I didn’t pay for it. I was her kid tho right? NO. I was less than her boarder.

I had to leave and lost my cash. Took years to speak with her again and I didn’t complete my college.

Years later her 3rd marriage went as my SD passed and she needed help so I filed everything, he worked and was decent and left her hundreds of thousands.

She re-marries and the guy worked but they went off and saw the world a few times, bought 3 of everything like they were wealthy. Then later he retires they are in 60’s he has pension, she does not yet and his meds are covered, hers are not.

So, for the past 3 years every pay I have had to send more than 300 each 2 weeks so they can buy her meds. Once I sent them a lump amount of 2000.00 then find out they left to california by plane to visit his daughter.

Completely slapped in the face, I said nothing. I still give money although it is now 400 a month but its enough that over time I have had to hit my own savings and have none left, and she still needs.

There are drug plans and she is eligible now, but after a mistake filing taxes they became not eligible and have to refile to correct it. I have waited 3 months for them to do this as I struggle monthly to keep a float with my family while bleeding cash to my mom each month.

I ask why they have not corrected taxes yet and the answer was that he, my SD wants to finish the garden while the weather is good and THEN they will… seriously now… WTF.

I am about to lose my mind. I have even had to sell some of my expensive things to cover my losses and make it through some rough months. Borrowing from my retirement savings, and taking loans and extending my credit for this….

Now I got nailed for borrowing from my retirement, and owe 11,000 to the gov’ all because he wants to garden when she needs to be on a drug plan… her drugs are over 1000 monthly.

I am to the point where I don’t even want to call anymore, just send money and pray they figure this out before I lose my home.

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Cordell Marshall II July 16, 2017 at 11:11 am

My dad been starting borrowing my money out of my account for the last few years and months because my dad been continue having trouble finding jobs and finances while I in my age of 30’s and I still getting tired my dad borrowing money out of my account for a long time.

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Cordell Marshall II July 16, 2017 at 11:15 am

My dad been borrowing my money out of my account for the last few years and months and he always paid me back every month after he borrow the money from me because my dad been having trouble find jobs and with finances for the last few months and years.

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