Giving Financial Support to In-Laws

by TTMK on July 9, 2012 · 163 comments

In-laws. If you’re lucky, you have great ones. Some people aren’t as lucky.

There is a couple I know that has encountered some interesting issues with in-laws. I know this couple well, so I won’t make the details identifiable – and will relay the situation is a slightly different way. But you’ll get the idea of what the issues are.

Anyway, the guy’s parents are seemingly nice people on the surface, as are the woman’s parents.  However, his parents have a built-in expectation that they should be given some kind of financial support from their son. This isn’t something that they directly discuss with his wife, but they have instilled in him over the years – and probably growing up – that it’s his responsibility first and foremost to make sure his parents are financially taken care of.  In other words, taking care of elders comes first, as payback for all they have done to raise you over the years.

His wife, on the other hand, does not pay her parents anything. She finds it hard to imagine parents taking money from adult kids, much less expecting to receive it.  Needless to say, this is a source of conflict.

She doesn’t want him to pay his parents. She feels that they don’t truly need the money, as they live in a home that’s seemingly paid for.  They don’t appear wealthy, but they don’t appear to truly be struggling either.  Her in-laws appear to be in good health.

Her viewpoint is that income that a couple earns is for them to support themselves and their own children. 

His viewpoint, on the other hand, is that since he works hard for his money, he should be able to give money to his parents if he wants to. He sees it as his duty to help them, whether she likes it or not. In his view, they are a part of the package and she should understand that.  Clearly, she doesn’t.

This money that he gives them is in the thousands of dollars annually, from what I understand. I don’t know the exact amounts, but that’s what I’ve inferred.  That’s a significant enough amount for them, it would seem, and could be used to help with retirement savings or to help fund the kids college account.  It must burn her to think that money that could be used for their family is being given to his parents as a priority – despite her having a problem with it.

What do I think? I happen to agree with her.  I don’t see how money can be spent to support others outside the core, immediate family unit, when those needs aren’t fully being met. Perhaps more importantly, one of the two people in the relationship does not approve of these large allocations of money to others outside the family unit.  I think the parents seem to be freeloaders.

Am I being harsh? Or am I right in siding with her?

My Questions for You:

Who do you agree with here, the husband or the wife?

Do you think that parents have a right to expect financial support from kids, as payback for all they have done throughout life?

Do you think that one person in a relationship has the right to give money to parents even if the other strongly objects?

 

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{ 162 comments… read them below or add one }

Jai Catalano July 9, 2012 at 9:05 am

Ohh. That one is tough. I have a great mother in law so I have no problem helping her out if she needs it.

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TTMK July 10, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Jai – what if you didn’t think she needed the money, but exepected to be paid?

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purrie December 30, 2016 at 1:46 pm

I am in the same situation. My husband feel very responsible for his mother, he pays her rent every month. I am not saying he should not giver her something but everything feels responsible for. If someone dies, he pays for it and pay her rent, cable, con-ed while she is away and it spits me off. No matter what I say I get course out. When he don’t give it to her she calls for it. His excuse to me is that the reason I don’t give to my mother is because my parent are together and his mother does not have a husband. So them you are your mother’s husband. This woman have many children grown women. Selfish girls.

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TIRED December 30, 2016 at 1:48 pm

I am in the same situation. My husband feel very responsible for his mother, he pays her rent every month. I am not saying he should not giver her something but everything feels responsible for. If someone dies, he pays for it and pay her rent, cable, con-ed while she is away and it spits me off. No matter what I say I get course out. When he don’t give it to her she calls for it. His excuse to me is that the reason I don’t give to my mother is because my parent are together and his mother does not have a husband. So them you are your mother’s husband. This woman have many children grown women. Selfish girls.

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Kathleen @ Frugal Portland July 9, 2012 at 9:36 am

Jeez I hope this couple can weather this storm. I think his parents are being unfair, but if it’s something they’ve instilled his whole life, there’s little hope of changing them. Sounds like a compromise is in order — perhaps he can give his parents some amount that his wife deems fair?

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TTMK July 10, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Kathleen – I suppose compromise might be an option, as would be the case in many marital disagreements. In this case, not sure though!

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Paul @ The Frugal Toad July 9, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Wow, that is a tough one! Family comes first but asking for more sacrifice than is necessary seems unfair.

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TTMK July 10, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Paul – that’s the thing, giving more than necessary just because they feel entitled seems unfair. But, clearly not to everyone!

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Emily @ evolvingPF July 9, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Sounds like a cultural difference. I know this doesn’t help this couple, but for goodness sakes people need to talk over these sorts of things before marriage! It seems like the husband has know about this obligation his whole life so he really should have let her in so they could have compromised before the situation arose.

In my culture children are not usually expected to take care of parents so if mine sprung that on me I wouldn’t be happy. But I also think it’s unfair to pull the rug out from under these parents in their twilight years when part of their retirement plan has always been for their son to help support them. No one wants to see the people who cared for them destitute. I think the only viable solution is to have MUCH more open communication about what standards of living are necessary for each family and create a clear agreement as to how much support the son can reasonably provide going forward. It probably won’t be as much as the parents expected or as little as the wife would provide, but that’s the nature of compromise. Would the wife rather the parents move in with them?

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TTMK July 10, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Emily – I totally agree that such things should be discussed before marriage. Talking about things in detail makes sense, of course many people in that situation only think of the excitement and the wedding, and not things like this!

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kelly@thehungryegghead July 15, 2012 at 9:59 pm

My husband gave his parents between $1000-$2000 a month prior to our marriage. He did this for 7 years!!! I told him that I was against it because his parents does not need the money. He in turn told his father who then took a huge dislike to me.

I was firm though. I would 100% be in favor of supporting his parents completly if they needed the money. But it boggled my mind for them to take it when they do not. That was a huge amount of money that could have been used for our downpayment.

Anyways, we have been married for 3 years and we have not given them monetary support other than pay for trips to encourage them to go on vacation. They are doing well, though my father-in-law probably still holds a grudge against me.

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Elle March 29, 2016 at 4:38 pm

did you discuss this with your husband before you got married or was it discussed after the marriage? I am in that exact same state that you were in. My future husband gives financial support to his parents every month, the same amount that your husband did. It frustrates me that he is enabling them to rely on him when they can already support themselves. How and when do I bring this up to him?

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Jessica February 25, 2017 at 3:01 pm

Trust me you should re consider marriage with him because it will never change.

SB @ One Cent At A Time July 9, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Tough to answer. I help my parents financially. And I know they need money.

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TTMK July 10, 2012 at 9:14 pm

SB – good for you for helping out when they need the money!

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Drew @ Epicfinances.com July 10, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Thankfully my parents are financially sound and I positive they would never feel entitled to my money.

When I was in college and high school my father used to say, “I don’t expect anything from you ….. Just stop taking..”

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TTMK July 10, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Drew – funny, maybe not taking is actually giving, when you do the math 🙂

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Edward Antrobus July 10, 2012 at 10:12 pm

While it seems to me the kind of thing that should have come up during the courtship, I would side with the guy on this one. Before everyone bought into this idea of retirement, the natural order of things was that you supported your children when they were young, and then they supported you when you were old.

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TTMK July 11, 2012 at 7:33 am

Edward – I do think that in general, helping parents in need is honorable. So, I hope that isn’t lost in my post and comments. That being said, in this case, the parents seemed to be financially fine or at least not hurting. The husband’s insistence that they get money anyway is what bothered the wife I believe.

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Aloysa @My Broken Coin July 11, 2012 at 1:48 pm

We help out my grandmother finanancially. She is in Lithuania, and there is no way she can survive on her pension. Sometimes my mother-in-law would ask for some money to help her pay property taxes. I do not object, neither does my husband. However, we do that not on a monthly basis. It is all reasonable and we do all we can.

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TTMK July 12, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Aloysa – that makes sense, they’re in true need apparently, right? The people in the post didn’t have a serious need, which is why the wife seemed upset about it.

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SavvyFinancialLatina July 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Really great discussion on a difficult choice.

I faced this same dilemma. My parents need help financially. They immigrated to the US, gave up their white collar jobs to raise their children in a safer environment with more opportunities for the motivated youth. I have made it clear that I want to help my family financially ever since we met. It’s something I feel like it’s a duty. Maybe the financial situation is different. My parents take care of themselves by working hard, but they live modestly.

His parents are very well of, and honestly don’t need any help.

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TTMK July 12, 2012 at 10:04 pm

SFL -I think that if you made it very clear from the beginning, that’s understandable and much different situation. It seems like your parents made some big sacrifices for their kids, and that’s so great!

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Cielo October 22, 2012 at 11:07 am

But what if you’re husband is the only one asked to give support to his father? Even though he has other siblings? And we can’t really afford it to do on a monthly basis. Isn’t it unfair because we know how his family spent money on unnecessary things ?

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TTMK October 25, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Cielo – things can often be very unfair in such situations, which is unfortunate. When helping causes you to feel hardship, and the others wasted money in the first place, it would be frustrating.

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Gal February 28, 2017 at 8:02 am

I am also in the same situation. If only to help, I dont have a problem with it. But in my situation, my in-laws both have jobs that pay well. My husband has 2 siblings, his the middle. However, my in-laws only expect help from him and not from his other siblings. What makes me frustrated more is that the money my husband gives, they gamble it. They are wasting the money. Dont they know how my husband has to go through before he gets paid from his job? (Fyi, my husband is a seafarer but he’s just starting). Now, my husband chose not to support them yet through allotment because we are planning to build our own house, coz for now we’re renting an apartment. My in-laws feel disgusted about it. Since then, I noticed that the relationship on how they treat me is different now compared to as before when they were still receiving money from my husband. To add it up, they told me that what they used to receive before was already of small amount and why it has been stopped. With that, I feel they put the blame on me as to why my husband decided not to give allotment as now yet because of our project. One more thing, when they asked from my husband, they make it secretly. I am not selfish, I just want to be respected and I dont like secrets, I find it ok to help parents if they really need it.

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Kalyani February 1, 2013 at 1:29 am

When I first read the post, I felt as if someone had been writing about my own life. My husband’s parents have all but wrecked our marital relationship over this issue. I don’t understand why I and my child should have to pay for the financial indiscretions indulged in by my in-laws over the years – they were wasteful and extravagant fifteen years ago and still are. Curiously enough, no one seems to be ready to extend the same generosity to my parents. I work hard – thirty hours a week – and at the beginning of every month, I find a big chunk of our family earnings being debited to my in-laws. this is a perfect example of how outsiders can damage a beautiful and passionate relationship between partners.

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TTMK February 1, 2013 at 10:45 pm

Kalyani – I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. It sounds very unfair to you, and I agree that others can get in the way. Now, I don’t know if I would call in-laws outsiders, but they’re certainly not a priority. Also, it seems unfair that one set of in-laws gets money, while the other parents don’t receive the same generosity. Anyway, I hope things can get straightened out. Best wishes to you.

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Mani September 17, 2015 at 6:13 pm

I am also dealing with same issues. My husband also helps his parents financially. My children will go to university next year. I get worried sometimes because he thinks helping his parents is his priority. We had so many arguments on this issue. But he never stopped giving them money.

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Nibha March 11, 2015 at 12:34 pm

Same here. In fact my husband was made to pay for both of his elder sister’s weddings! And also paid for complete education of younger sister who is yet unmarried!! Guys please help. What should I do? My husband has been conditioned over the years and won’t listen to anything against parents & sisters. Just 4 months into marriage and it is ruined.

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Naomi April 22, 2015 at 12:29 pm

Oh my god Nibha, I hear what you are saying and I feel what you are feeling. My husband is paying for his parents’ house for since we got married in fact we are living at a rental apartment. He has other siblings who has their own issues like school or kids. He won’t listen to me and that has been a problem unless I take a step back and do not talk about it. Half of what he earns goes there every month. Sometimes I just give up, and accept it as my fate coz otherwise he has been a very good husband. I just wanna say marriages aren’t always perfect. Sometimes, you have to accept it otherwise it’ll hurt you physically and emotionally which is not worth it.

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Corinne April 2, 2016 at 10:02 pm

Oh I am going through it myself my husbands sister is causing problems in our family! Her father had been oath for her to live for 2 years about 1500 a month and now because he says no she is calling her brother my husband! She is almost 50 years old and has a college degree ! And what’s wrong with waitressing so you can pay your bills, she is to good for that! But the things I’ve done and jobs I’ve took to make ends meet both me and my husband have and never for her to even offer help to us in times of need! She is selfish and now I find out that he gave her 800 last month and she is calling again to ask for joe money! We also have only been married for 1 year but together for 16! But his sister is causing a rift in our relationship that could ruin it! I am scared because I don’t want to give in but i feel if I don’t our marriage could be doomed

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Barkha July 12, 2016 at 2:08 pm

Hey. I am going through the same thing and I saw your post was the latest one. I was wondering how your relationship is going now and if anything has changed and gotten better? I am thinking of talking to my husband about it today but I am scared since it might come off wrong. But all I really want is him not giving money to his parents be ashes they don’t need it. We are in debt and every penny he gives them we get charged interest over it and I want to have kids in the next two years or so and want to save up for a house and our life together instead of paying for someone who doesn’t need it. They go for trips every year so they clearly don’t need it. None of his other siblings ever help why only us? If they actually needed it then that was completely different.

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Jane Danielle January 16, 2017 at 3:42 pm

When I read the post, I too felt someone was writing about my life! Honestly, it has been such a struggle to deal with my husband’s warped idea that his spoiled, arrogant parents (and sometimes sisters) deserved OUR money just to spend it on lifting their lifestyles. It is a very long story so I will try to give you the cliff notes. My husband told me very little about his parents prior to our marriage. I did not know he was taking out LOANS to give them. After our wedding I paid for, he asked me, a high school teacher, to give me what I had saved in order for him to invest it and to help pay off these loans. He promised me he would NOT give anymore money to his parents. He did pay-off the loans and, as far as I know, did not give them any more $. It has been difficult trusting whether he was being honest about not giving anymore to his parents or siblings. He did give the parents frequent flyers for trips, however – one to Ireland. I am a very frugal person having been a teacher and learned from a mother who was extremely careful with money. It was difficult for me to see these in-laws who frivolously spent money as if they were wealthy. My husband always told me that his Dad was like a child with money, yet continued to enable his destructive behaviors. To make matters worse, these people NEVER said thank you, much less did anything for us or our children. I was treated badly by and/or ignored at “family” gatherings by MIL, FIL and the rest of the siblings despite having endured all the royal treatment given to my husband’s parents and giving gifts to nieces and nephews. When FIL died, we (and supposedly the rest of the siblings) had to foot the bill for the funeral and an extravagant luncheon afterwards. We of course had to fly there as usual while other family members were nearby. Our daughter was asked to sing at the funeral. She had to fly in separately because she was in a concert the night before. Again, not one single thank you from the MIL. The siblings decided that each family would give MIL a certain amount of money per month. She is in a retirement home fully paid for (food and shelter). Four years ago, I was checking our bank account and discovered that that amount per month had changed to 3 times the original amount agreed to. My husband had not bothered to tell me, much less had he asked me, that he was giving his mom 3 times as much. I guess he thought I would never check our JOINT bank account so he would get away with it. Unbelievable! We had one child in college at that point. That was a very big fight, which he won, as always, when it came to HIS family, and, evidently, HIS money. Two years ago, my husband’s siblings sent out an email asking how much everyone would contribute to purchase a NEW car for MIL. She was 86 at the time. I responded “You’re kidding, right?” I actually did not intend for that response to be sent, but I accidentally sent it. I was then cursed out by one of my husband’s brothers in another response email which all the siblings received. It took him a few days to respond, but my husband actually stood up for me. (That was a first!) I eventually sent a letter saying everything I wanted to say to that BIL who cursed me out for not giving even MORE to his spoiled, ungrateful mother. There have been other occurrences since, but the monthly stipend continues without anyone monitoring how MIL spends other peoples’ money. Please, give me your responses and tell me what to do from here. Thanks!

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Ivy January 22, 2017 at 4:28 am

Hi,
I sympathize with you. I believe that the core family needs come first. This is what I would do. From the total/nett monthly income, I’d deduct all the monthly payments for utilities, loans (house and car) or rent, children’s tuition or education fees, food, credit card payments, savings put aside for a rainy day, entertainment and other necessary personal expenses. If there is any excess, then I’ll decide whether I can afford to give her a portion every month. If there isn’t enough, then I’ll give whatever I can afford, not every month, but every now and then. After all, there are other siblings who may afford to give her more. But this is something you’ll need to discuss with your husband only after you have gathered all the “facts” and laid them before him. But if he can afford to give her more than you expect after you have deducted all that is necessary, then you need to come to terms with your own feelings as to why you resent him giving his mum more that you think she deserves.

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Gabriela Siade February 7, 2013 at 12:46 pm

Hi,
I have to say. I am that person, you could not have described my situation any better. Add to the equation that my brother-in-law has not worked for two years, has a huge car debt that now my in-laws are paying because “mama’s boy” does not want to get rid of his precious car. So, whatever money my husband is sending to his parents is also now to support the brother. So my in laws continue to enable him.
The worst part is that my in-laws are in full shape and capable of working. Is just their mindset (specially my FIL) that thinks that now his children owe them.
Imagine that my FIL told my BIL (not long ago) that the credit card and the bank had to wait and understand that he was out of a job and therefor he did not have to pay them. Of course we ended bailing him out paying the full credit card debt of 4,500. Plus we found out that from his last job. My BIL had a layoff payment of over 40,000 and he just decided to blow it off instead of making good decisions (and he has a finance major…oh the irony!).
I am completely against giving them money as it enables them to keep doing nothing. If they were disabled or something of the sort, then ok. Or even if I saw them trying really hard to overcome this situation. But they are not!!
My husband and I have made great efforts to provide financial stability for our family. It is just unfair that instead of having one child I now have 4 where 3 of them are long grown up.
It is frustrating and devastating.

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TTMK February 9, 2013 at 4:57 pm

Gabriela – I completely sympathize with you. It sounds unfair to you. Spouse and kids should be the priority, not inlaws who aren’t facing a genuine crisis. They aren’t children, and shouldn’t take away from money that can help your life. I wish you all the best.

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Eden August 31, 2015 at 4:00 pm

I’m on the same situation. My MIL always runs to my hubby for money to help his sister who’s not working. Every time she fights with the husband she comes back to his mom and ask for help, but leaves her when she fix things with her and my MIL gets so mad because she’s so against her relationship with the husband. So she’s happy when she’s with her and help her with almost everything. I just get frustrated because my hubby just started getting back on his feet again and we’re starting all over with baby on the way, which I’m sure she knows it’s expensive to have a baby with all the diaper and the baby stuffs we need. It’s also frustrating because my hubby gets upset that every time she calls she ask him how he is doing and he tells her he’s just working hard and doing good then all she tells him are bad news and needs money! It’s always negative stuffs all the time instead of just asking how we are doing!

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Michelle November 19, 2015 at 10:58 pm

I can understand where your coming from. I have a great MIL but it bothers me (and sorry if this sounds bad) but it bothers me that he takes care of his mother financially its nothing big but he pays her cellphone bill every month her phone bill is 60.00 he gives her money weekly like 60 or more a week, he doesnt always tell me. She doesnt work and recieves a check from SSI every month along with her husbands check. Her husband works construction and brings home money. They have section 8 and recieve foodstamps. My husband and i have 5 kids together and rent and bills and a car plus im not working but am getting my cna license. It bothers me because i feel that with all her help she can atleast manage to pay her cell phone bill everything else im fine with you know she is his mother and a great one but sheesh can you not call your son on a daily talking about your problems just so he can feel obligated to help. I dont know about you but i feel like his mother is not his obligation nor his responsibility. Once you get married and have kids your priority should be your family not your mother, sister, brother uncle, cousin ect. Help her when he can yes but dont take in almost all her responsibilities. I did the math and thats about $4000 a year may not sound like alot but for a family of seven it sure does seem like alot to me. Maybe im just being selfish i dont know. Had to vent though lol

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Marcos May 11, 2016 at 4:01 am

It is a lot! I am sorry to hear that!You have a big family and you still rent is that right.Those money saved in few years could be used as a down payment. I have simmilar problem with my wife. She talks 2-3 times a day with her mum and secretly gives her money…
I was considering divorce few years ago because of it.We still have no kids because my wife said we can not afford to have them, but we can”afford” yo financially support in laws instead…

Jaesee May 6, 2013 at 7:20 pm

Heres the thing just because they raised you and helped you all the way is no reason to feel forced for parents in laws to have the need to feel rightfully deserving money all the time. They chose to have children, and they choose to care for them as any parents should have so why expect something in return financially when not needed. I absolutely can not stand my mother in law she is manipulative and a free loader and my husband is blind to see and i cant take it we have no savings and only been married a few months and his parents are sucking every penny out of our finances. They also expect for us to pay over $5,000 for vacation expenses for them to come to OUR house since we live so far apart when this is not even a necessity as they claim to be tight in money (this is not knew it has always been like that since he was like 12!), i just dont think is right. Parents need to let their children live their lives! My parents in law are a real PAIN!!! I hate how my parents are so amazing and understanding!

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jho May 16, 2013 at 10:14 am

Hi,
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we still have no proper savings in the bank. We are currently living in my father’s house because we cannot afford to stand on our own, although my husband has his work but my mother-in-law often takes 20% of his income to support her own priorities, i don’t know where the hell the money goes but the point is I tried convincing my husband to lessen the amount so that our savings will increase making us able to stand on our own…

I dislike his mother because not only she doesn’t like me but she also manipulates my husband by using her “pity moves” as her weapon. My husband is a great guy and very generous but how can I stop this? I’am so frustrated because we now have an infant and I, myself on the other hand, is struggling to earn for a living to support my son and me, and as for my husband’s income -either I don’t really take his earnings and/or he just doesn’t really like to share.

What shall I do?

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TTMK May 18, 2013 at 12:34 am

That sounds like an unfortunate situation, and one that appears very unfair. You have no savings, but 20% of your money goes to the in-laws? That doesn’t sound like you two are operating as a couple, but they are a part of the inner core of the family as well. I hope you can work toward having each other as the priority, and in-laws and others as secondary priorities that do not interfere. All the best wishes to you.

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dell June 10, 2013 at 7:55 am

Jho,
I can relate to the second paragraph that where you are saying that, you are trying to raise money for you and your son, but you never really take your husband’s earnings and or he doesn’t really like to share.
You just have to be strong and always bear in mind that the wife have a claim from their husbands.
In my case it was really difficult the first time I got pregnant, I never ask any money from my husband so I have to fund for myself by getting a job even when pregnant. He only shells out money if I take him with me to the doctor every time I need to have a check up so he’ll pay the bill, after all the baby is his.
When my son was born, and I couldn’t take it anymore, I spoke with my husband in private, about how I felt about the whole situation, as I quit my job then and had no money, which will make me ask him every time a house bill needs to be paid, or I need to eat.
I got tired and feel like I’m done with the situation. So I told him, it doesn’t feel like marriage if he doesn’t share or surrender his income with me considering, we now have a baby and I don’t want to always be asking him for support even if we live in the same house. I am a wife and not a beggar!
I also gave an ultimatum that if ever the situation continues, I am not afraid to separate from him because I know how to earn my way, if he doesn’t want to support me and my son.
From then on, I handle his salary ATM card.

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kkk August 11, 2015 at 6:48 am

From then on, I handle his salary ATM card. Now he is a begger looks like.. 😀

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Broken dreams August 11, 2015 at 7:24 am

My MIL wants to retire before the age of 50, granted she’s in another country so we been supporting her and and daughter because she is currently not working due to some difficulties from surgery a few years back. But it seems like she has completely given up on doing anything and expect us to support her for life. I don’t mind supporting her persay, but not the comfortable lifestyle she’s used to because we just can’t afford it in the long run. My husband knows the situation, but I don’t know if we’ll be able to agree on the amount. I do want to go back to school for a masters before I’m 30s, so that’d mean cutting back on everything, and I do not know if we can because of that. The MIL does not know how to save, so I worry frequent last min expenses may come up, and granted her habits and health are not the best, we don’t know what would happen. We also worry if her daughter and future son in law will try to take money from her knowing that she has us, because that has happened in the past. My husband suggest we bring her here, and try to apply her for welfare. But that will be a while until her daughter and son in law can become independent and however long the whole process takes.

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Isha August 15, 2013 at 6:00 am

Hi,
I’ve faced all this after marriage. It was a home loan for a 2 bedroom flat where my MIL, FIL, 2 BILs(1 is married) and the married BIL’s wife and kid are going to stay. Finally the situation became financially so worse that my husband had to leave me back and go to another country to earn and pay off that loan. We were newly married and within 6 months or so had to stay away to clear off loans. The days of my pregnancy and the initial 1 year after our kid was born had to be spent at my mother’s place. The BILs never took up any responsibility for that loan and dint pay anything for it. On top of that the house is so away from our working place that we don’t stay there. We have to pay rent for a flat where me, my husband and our kid now stay. And they are still lavish spenders. If I don’t have money for something which is not a necessity I wont buy it. But they don’t feel ashamed to ask for money for unnecessary things from my husband even after we did so much for them.

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katz August 10, 2015 at 8:16 am

Wow!!!! This is beyond selfish and immature!!! Keep praying to God.

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Anonymous January 5, 2014 at 1:38 am

I am married to someone who has always been supporting his parents. Practically he fully paid for his parents house and family Volkswagen prior to our wedding. As a new couple, we have nothing with baby on way in another month. All these time, I don’t mind my hubby still gives his parents 1k to 2k every month for all parents bill, but now with us finally have our own mortgage and baby on the way, trying to be living our life as a family, I am feeling very insecure. We are currently living with my parents and i tried to save everything and relies heavily on my parents for day to day necessities which we don’t pay, toilet paper, food, etc for us to save…. However his mom has been quite selfish, uses only high end product, eg tissues for example only uses Kleenex, refuse to dry clothes outside in their backyard 500sqm house and only uses dryer which she separated to few batches and each batches she left the machine running for one hour. My father in law currently working full time and hardly home, practically he only comes home at 7pm 7 days. Also my husband distance contributes $800 p/m in cash to mom… I think our new family needs more of the money, for our newborn and our new loan and because I am now unemployed, I feel very insecure.

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Anonymous January 5, 2014 at 1:58 am

I have to sacrifice my laptop so my hubby can use the family laptop that he fully pays before marriage since my hubby need that laptop for his work. Currently we are using Harris hatchback and my hubby asked me whether I want to swap it with the Vw golf that he paid in full to fit in our baby car seat and our big pram and after careful consideration and trying to fit everything in , I thought it would be an awesome idea so we can have a space in the booth for groceries… So my hubby rang his mom to ask if its ok to swap, his mom dismiss the idea straight away. What upsets me is that the car only use as decoration and buying groceries shopping 5 mins away from the northern beaches in sydney. I will soon become a mom too so I can see my hubby as my ideal kids which I wish to have however, I feel we sacrifice a lot with no consideration from my mom in law to change and save or to consider our needs as new family. We can save now cos we’re living with my parents and the only contribution I gave to my parents are helping my parents with Homestay kids and cooking but no financial help. I try not to worry much and anything with my hubby financial is out of my hand because he only gives me cash, I really don’t know much of his parents and his spending pattern. Mortgage is in the way with one person income for two families, I am now expecting the worst and learning to just accept. I really don’t know how to approach this situation other than to accept.

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Masechaba April 3, 2014 at 10:34 am

In my case. I am unemployed…just recently relocated to another country so my husband is the breadwinner.He assists his mom financislly back home.My mom is currently going through a financial storm, will it be fair to ask my husband to assist my mom just for about 3months until she is back on her feet 🙁

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Linda April 8, 2014 at 7:21 pm

Oh my gosh I am somewhat relieved to read that I am not the only one living thru this nightmare of in-laws.
The past 20 years of marriage my husband has always helped my in laws
At first it didn’t bother me but just the recently these past 2 or 3 years it has.
It annoys me from time to time that my husband is rushing to send money there way.
The money is used for food and medicine and other stuff. (Bus trips or batteries for a golf cart)
I am so thankful my sister in law looks after them while they live in her home.
But then again she did get a free house out of it. (My mother in law gave her a house in return for caring for her and my father in law) this house is not fancy it’s a Mexico concert house that my mother in law built with the little money she would make selling small properties.
My In laws are now in there late 80’s so they are much elderly but there has to be a line somewhere …. Right ?
At times I feel terrible for being mad or talking bad about my in laws but I just feel the need to vent.
We are no means rich but my hubby and I do okay.
I never had children since we were always working to make something out of our lives.
Yeah we could have better if it wasn’t for the burden of sending money to the in laws.
There is much more to the story but I always have to remind my self that they brought my husband to respect his parents.
Look at it this way … These dutiful sons are sending money to their parents.
They are not using it for drugs, prostitution, another lover or gambling.
No matter how you look at things there is always going to be dislikes of what is going on between families…. Money or no money.

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Nicks April 13, 2014 at 10:17 pm

Could be a cultural thing but parents help kids take their first steps and through till they can support themselves. Its only fair to support parents when they need help. If the money is for food and basic necessity, it would be in humane to say no irrespective of culture or country. If it is for something more, well that can be worked out. It also depends on if you have siblings. For me its more about understanding than money.

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Rahul October 25, 2014 at 12:28 am

First priority should be the core family. I definitely side with the girl. Only min amount ‘CAN’ be given to parents unless you earn a lot and have huge excess. Now the “huge excess” should be defined and accordingly the decision should be taken. However seeing the discontent in the girl, I a pretty sure that the guy is wrong..

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fawn November 9, 2014 at 5:24 pm

There is a big difference if parents refuse to work are educated and feel entitled . My mother in law and her husband pay nothing they live off her 73 year old mother cry poverty and refuse too make effort. So instead of letting her children getting financially secure she asks for money. She wouldn’t care if they spent all their savings or go onto debt for her and her husband needs. I think it’s disgraceful and biblically it is not honoring your parents. It called stealing and manipulating emotions. Grown men should take care of their families not their mothers.

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cynthia March 10, 2016 at 11:59 am

Thank you!

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Photographer December 2, 2014 at 6:29 pm

I can relate to the girl in the initial post. My husband’s family are terrible with their finances. My father-in-law and his second wife recently disclosed to us that they are Tens of Thousands of dollars in debt and asked us for advice. Thank god they did not ask us for money, but it may happen in the future. They kept a business going for too long and wound up in a huge financial mess. Am I wrong to think that I should not have to pay for THIER mistakes? My mother in-law is very sweet but also has trouble with her finances. When we see her ,we pick her up, cater to her and pay for everything. They didn’t help with our wedding, financially or otherwise. They also did not give us a gift until a year later….My brother-in law ( my husband’s older brother) is terrible with money and has stolen from my husband in the past.

It is so difficult for me to navigate because my family is financially secure and would rather die than ask us for help. In fact, we all fight over the cheque! We value financial independence and strength. I don’t see this getting any better in the future when his parents are old and cannot support themselves. I guess the only good thing about the scenario is my husband. He is a sweet, caring and beautiful soul. Maybe you can only have one, good in-laws or a great husband. Lol

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Anonymous December 18, 2014 at 11:45 am

My mother-in-law lives in a very posh neighborhood. If she wanted to sell her home 3-4 million. My wife still gives her $1,000 per month. There are other amounts that my wife pays for that I’m not aware of. Sure, my wife earns her own money but I pay for all of our household/house expenses. This behavior was not told to me prior to marriage. I accidentally became aware of this. I asked my wife about this and her response is that this is for her Mom who sacrificed for her children so that they could have a roof over their hear , food, and cloths on their back.

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Derek November 23, 2015 at 9:24 am

Not a problem. Your solution is simple. Do the exact same with your Mother. Do not tell your wife. It’s called tit-for-tat!

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Solomon April 9, 2016 at 3:14 pm

I am having a similar problem. My wife’s father is working in a foreign country, makes enough money to come visit at least twice a year. Yet my wife gives her mother money from her pay even though her mother gets rental income, her unmarried sister too works… I quit my job to start on my own, thinking my wife would be there in case I needed any help… I have saved enough for a rainy day by selling a property of mine but now with my wife spending on her family, and my business taking time to establish is making me a worried… Any suggestions…

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Elya January 9, 2015 at 5:31 pm

I’m also so tired from my mother in laws expenses , she does the most expencive dental job, fixing Hollywood smile, every week she goes to doctors for check up , tree to four times per year travels to different countries, daily enjoying her life. And me indeed, saving money, not spending accept grocery , our son is in grade 11, we pay for his school and we need to pay for his medical college, so I cut off many expenses , for the child’s education . My mom works so hard in age of 74, and still helping us financially , she bought even property for her grandson, while my mother in law taking the best if best from her life. She even didn’t give education to her son, he works since 15 years old. I might be wrong, but I’m different mother, I will work and do my best to support my son till he will be fully ready for his own. I believe some mother sacrifice and some mothers selfishly enjoying their lives.

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FIkro January 21, 2015 at 5:35 am

I am in a similar situation. I know there is a specific word for this but I call it poor man’s syndrome. Its when you take in consideration which one of your kids is most likely to succeed and you put your resources into them. Than you bet on them and leech some of the rewards. I am siding with helping the parents at an old age unless they can contribute to the family with baby sitting or taking care of the property.

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nursie March 14, 2015 at 2:35 pm

Oh I can relate. My husband insists on paying his Mums bills. I am enraged as she has her 51 year old son living with her. None of them work and both are alcoholics. We have four kids of our own. We both have good jobs but have no savings as he kust keeps giving amd giving our hard earned money to them. Until recently he also gave money to his other brother who is married with young children. They struggled as his wife refuses to work as she wants to stay home. I am at the point of divorce as I just can not condone giving money to people who refuse to work. His whole family went nuts when I decided to stay home for a year with baby number four. I was called names and told to get a job. As soon as I can get enough cash together I am out

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carla F April 3, 2015 at 9:43 am

My inlaws are not from the US. They have no pension, no Social Security- nothing. By them moving in with one of their kids, their spouse and their own children, caused that house hold to get a divorce because of their financial wants and needs. The husband deeply resented them because its a burden. For instance, flying them to and from a country 2x a years is financially taxing on their children and they do not understand that. Yet alone, flying an additional family of four to the US each summer to visit for 2 months at a time and not contribute to food and expenses to me is ridiculous. They also expect you to buy their 2 kids school clothes every summer!

Now that one house hold has split up, it is expected of another sibling to take over the expenses. I think its beyond ridiculous and will cause another divorce. In the US typically, if we don’t have- we don’t go on a vacation. And flying to the US every summer is a vacation. Why would I expect someone to fly a family to a different country- all expenses paid. Yes, we miss you but give me a break. Those expectations are ridiculous and I would never burden my children with that sort of responsibility or guilt. Its causing deep resentment. pEOPLE WOULD like to fly their own kids some where for once. This may be fine if the spouse plus wife were both making 6 figures, but GOT DAMN!!!! YOU WONT HAVE PENNY TO YOUR NAME IF YOU JUST GIVE GIVE GIVE. and yes, I believe in giving if in your heart you wanna do, but you doit out of guilt0 you will feel guilty forever. Yes serious discussions like this are needed before marriage. SAVE A DIVORCE!

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AD April 14, 2015 at 1:12 pm

I totally side with the wife in the issue, as I face similar situation every day in my marriage. My father have always maintained the core family concept, and hence we never had to worry about helping them out. We still do, when it’s a lot of money for any emergency, but he always pays us back, and we know that he won’t make it a habit.
My in-laws, however, are a different case altogether. They relocated to US when my husband was in his teens, and has always passively suggested that they gave up their comfortable life in India for him, so he feels forever indebted to them (where as the decision to move to US was taken even before he was born), and tries to put them before us all the time.
My FIL recently lost his job, but my MIL still works, and they have their Social Security and Unemployment checks too, but we are still expected to help them out, when my husband is the sole earner in our family, and I am a student- so we ourselves are barely getting by. Moreover he doesn’t want to change his lifestyle of not having cable or two cars, or throwing parties every two weeks, but expects us to fork out money for daily needs and payments. Sadly my husband doesn’t understand that we need to secure our finances first since we are both 30 now, instead of paying for the second car (which I was very much against of from the very beginning). But that’s how life is, and I don’t have any other way out since my husband has been brainwashed all his life about his duties towards his parents.

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Dee April 24, 2015 at 9:13 pm

Ugh its must’ve been God who directed me to this thread. I am so glad I am not alone in this. My mother in law is the same way its really draining me I want to just give up on my marriage. I feel as though we don’t go above and beyond for my mom why should we go to the extreme for my in-law? Its really a very hard topic to discuss because you don’t won’t to feel as though you don’t won’t your spouse taking care of his/her parents or helping out. Helping out every once in awhile is fine but not every month. I also think that the money isn’t going towards what she says it’s going too….. I really don’t know. I have a great marriage but I am drained from this.

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FedUp May 12, 2015 at 5:28 pm

Thank god it is not just me! I love my husband. But have the MIL from Hell! She and her husband both set social Security. They squander money then call us constantly to pay for bills, medicine, day to day items. Recently they just decided not to pay their car payment or mortgage. So 5 months of car payments and now he wants to bail them out of their house. This is a MONTHLY occurrence. We have not been married long but she has sucked about $16,000 – $18000 out of us. His older brother gives nothing because he doesn’t want to sacrifice his financial future for them. He already cannot pay all his bills. I am resentful and angry and have no respect for them. What parent uses their child like this. They know this is causing an issue in our marriage. but it never stops. I am all for compromise – but I am not a beliver in just giving in. how can I stop this?

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Anon August 7, 2015 at 6:08 pm

I understand your frustration. If it’s ruining your marriage, you need to have a talk with your husband, especially if you’re contributing to this as well. Discuss with him your plans and goals with him and show that it’s not possible to achieve them because of it, try to have some concrete numbers. Try to work out a plan with your husband of how to lessen the dependency over time, ofcourse this might take time. If you’re willing to be patient, and if he does take consideration of your feelings, atleast you can have him to be on your side. There’s always bound to be problems in marriages, but if this is your number #1 pet peeve, think about whether you’re willing to make some sacrifices to drag your husband out of this delimma as well, because if you succeed then it’ll be one of the biggest accomplishment in your marriage. If you don’t have the patience, then you’re free to determine what’s best for you, you’re not trapped in the relationship yet if you don’t have children.

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Sadaf May 21, 2015 at 7:08 pm

I have been married for 3 years to the love of my life. In terms of money, he and I come from completely different backgrounds and family values. We are both Pakistani and our families reside in India whereas we live in the USA.

My parents are financially very well off with a steady income source. his parents are retired and receive their pension from the Indian givernment( which doesn’t amount to much). My husband sends home a monthly stipend of $600, which is a decent amount for India since their home is paid off, cars are paid off, health insurance is paid by government. The monthly stipend pays for their cook, cleaning lady, groceries, and utilities. I initially found this a little strange but then understood it to be a difference in financial background and expectations from sons vs daughters. We recently started discussing buying a house and started a ‘joint account’ where we both deposit savings for the home. I initially kicked off the fund with a giant lump sum that my family had gifted us for the wedding and we both began depositing a monthly amount to the account.

Last month, our in-laws suddenly wanted to replace their old car with a new one . My husband dipped into our joint account and sent them a whopping $10,000 . He did consult me prior to doing so but had indicated $6,000. Apparantly more money wasneededbecause the old car that was traded in was worth less than expected. I feel betrayed because the contribution was more from my family and in essence my family paid for my parents-in-laws car. How is this fair?!?!? And when we were in India two months ago, my mother in law wanted a fancy LED TV which we bought them. Two brand new iPhones. And yesterday my sister in law asked for a $600 baby stroller ‘ system’. I am beginning to get infuriated by this and don’t know what to do. My husband is especially touchy about it because unfortunately for me my family is rich and he sees that as a slap on the face of his family. But that is NOt the reason my family doesn’t ask me for money. None of my other uncles are rich and never ONCE have any of. Them asked their kids for money. Our family is just that way. We live in dignity with whatever we earn. When I spoke to my husband about the stroller, he got upset and said that he loves his brother and wants to take care of his happiness just like MY parents take care of us. Because whoever has the financial edge in the family should take care of the needs of those who have desires they can’t afford. And that’s apparently the Indian way!?!??? WTF. Am I crazy? We don’t even own a house. We haven’t paid off any of our cars. I want to bawl like a baby right now. This is so so unfair. What do I do????

FYI he has Zero savings besides our joint account. I have sufficuent savings in my personal savings account and joint one because my family doesn’t mooch off of me.

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Naomi May 21, 2015 at 7:24 pm

Same thing is happening to me. My husband is paying mortgage 2000$ every month for his parents while we don’t even own a house. He didn’t save any money for our future or plan to have a kid or so. We have a joint saving and I am the only one contributing to that acc. It’s been going on for 3 years and I am still at a rental apartment and they don’t show any gratitude except expressing how sons should be taking care of parents’ financial matters. They wanna show off with a big fancy car and a house to invite people like queens and kings. Life is unfair and it’s a lesson we learned.

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Jelai February 28, 2017 at 10:10 pm

OMG this is so accurate, we really had the same situation. I was raised by a single mom, and she taught me to always live within our means. So growing up, we never had huge loans except our car, and we actually get by. I finished college and now I can sustain myself. I had personal savings. Then I met this wonderful guy in college, we had major disagreements but that does not make me love him less and we find ways to compromise. He is the last among four children, all his siblings has a family of their own, so it was expected that he will be the breadwinner and basically supports his aging parents. We decided to tie the knot next year, so aside from the monthly expenses for his house and aging parents support, we are saving up for the wedding day which left him with no savings for himself also. To be honest, I was A-okay with that, it will be different when we got married because our saving will then be consolidated, and so I thought. Howeverrrr, yesterday he told me that he is going to give his parents almost 14% of our consolidated savings once we are married, and he asked me it it’s okay with me. I was dumbfounded because that’s quite huge, and I really want us to have savings of our own, because that’s how I was raised, I was taught to handle money well and not sparingly. I just told him that we might want to consider our bills first before considering the final amount we will give for them. His mom is nice, though she was dropping hints that they might want to have financial support, his dad was okay, always silent, but nice man too. I don’t know what exactly to do, I don’t hate them, but it kind of gives me an uneasy feeling because I really want to make this potential marriage work, I don’t want this to be a major problem… Any advice on how you handled this same scenario?

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Jelai February 28, 2017 at 10:23 pm

I mean consolidated earnings.

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Sarah May 26, 2015 at 6:24 pm

This is similar to my situation with my partner and his family. In a way I agree with both in certain ways. I agree that I believe parents should not expect anything financially from their children, but I also believe that if the son is in a position where he can support them, then why not. In my situation I have however put my foot down and said that my partner is not to give to his parents without first consulting me as we have joint funds. If I do not see any reason to give them money, or see that we ourselves are struggling then I say no. But, if I find what they ask for is reasonable then I agree. My inlays have tried to go behind my back, but I am thankful I have an understanding partner who knows that I say no, not to be horrible but for a reason. My in laws would rather see themselves prosper and their children suffer so I often struggle to give them anything, but do see it as my partners place to decide and consult with me.

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carla f June 2, 2015 at 12:49 am

I just had a marriage counseling session over this very issue. The counselor said “whats the issue of him taking care of his family, if we do not suffer from it.” I think that is enough for me to want to file for divorce.

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mpho June 5, 2015 at 5:23 am

iyoh I thought im the only one but my story is different.my husband gave his mother money behind my back, when I ask,there was a big fight between me and my husband that I don’t want his family.i think my mother in law is trying to ruin my marriage.

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say what?!outraged June 15, 2015 at 11:27 pm

If the parents are healthy enough to work, there’s no need to help them $$. Parents need to understand children didn’t ask to come into this world! You as a parent decided to have the child, the child grows up and goes out into the world and supports his family (wife,children). If a parent makes you feel like you have to because you owe them your life they are wrong. If it comes from the sons heart and he has the $$& the family (wife,kids)have everything they need im okay with him helping his parents.

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Kay July 6, 2015 at 1:18 pm

I can totally agree and understand the wife’s side. I am going through something similar…it has caused arguments before and during our marriage. Before marriage, my husband is the Mr. Reliable very honest and dependable. We were friends before we dated and I always told him there is nothing wrong with helping your mother…but I feel you need to upgrade yourseld and save so that you can put yourself in a better position to assist. He used to make thousands abd because they knew he would give withouy question and with a cheerful heart thry asked with no regards to even encourage him to save….he lost that job and found another. At this time we are dating. It bugged .e becauae I saw that he dis not save for himself and it bothered me that he was making a particular amount and at the end of the day doesnt eveven have a home or some sort of investment to show for his hardwork. It also cringed my soul because the other siblings are not even putting in half the effort to assist their mom and iys like only him cares. So at this point everyone in the family has become comfortable with him being the soul provider and go to guy..now years have past and we are married…it has slowed down because i put my foot down because now as his wife i have legal rights to his finances…i didnt say much when we were dating but i let him know soon as he propsed that that particular problem has to fix….so he worked on it…if course they didnt like it…like paying the light bill sending money to license and insure their car and sending money to repair a home he no longer lives in…they expected these things…and i told my husband i blame you because you have contributed to them being lazy and comfortable with you doing everything….anyways as soon as we got married we moved far far away (my idea)…and i tell you no lie its like they cant function right now…the house is literally in a mess until my husband visits his moms place and help out….i feel mothers especially single parent mothers as in my case put too much pressure on their sons to be the man of the house especially financially since the real father is not around…

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amleht.zenemg July 13, 2015 at 2:09 pm

This is my problem with my husband. He is an ordinary seafarer we don’t own a house we are
living with my biologial parents because we cannot afford to build our own if we have enough
money. Every month i am sending $400 for my mother inlaws monthly stipend. When he told me
about sending money for his mother i agreed because i know his mother is very dependent for
her children for her daily needs. Last march he send money for them without consulting me. He
send money for his mother and two sibling. Last month my brother in law got sick i send all my saved
money in our joint account because that whats my husband wants. It hurts me because as if they don’t
that we have children who are studying and that we must save for their future. If they (inlaws) needed
money they just ask from my husband. I told my husband to sometimes say no to them so that they
will not be so much dependent to us but then he said he don’t want to hurt their feelings. He don’t
know that deep inside me I was hurting. They (inlaws) don’t understand that we als0 need money..

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JAGRITI July 22, 2015 at 1:43 am

I don’t know how to handle the situation .please help me. Me and my husband earning 40000 and my father living in gurgaun earning 27000 ctc and pension of 8000 . I am living with my sis in law and mother in law. We are giving rent of 8000 and installment of car 12000 .rest money my husband give to his mother for household stuffs like for food ,milk net bill and all . still my Mother in law asks money from him .She wants to save for marriage for sis in law wedding , and my husband takes money from me and give it to mother in law, I supported for one year even at times i dont have the money for petrol and when I asked to mother in law she refused to give me.

i am fed up my earning is 12000 and still i dont have savings , and in the end of the month i dont have money as well.

WHAT TO DO…PLEASE HELP ME…..

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Anon August 7, 2015 at 5:11 pm

So are you able to be independent with your earning? It seems like if your husband is not able to support you when you can’t support yourself it’s bound to be disastrous. Keep in mind of what will happen if emergencies come up, is there some sort of emergency fund or someone you can turn to for that? Did you communicate with your husband about those possibilities? It seems like if you guys are contributing for food and household, that it is also the parent’s job to help out when you guys are in trouble. She must have some justification for what they can help out in turn unless she could care less about the son as well. Otherwise I don’t see why you guys have to live with her instead of finding something you guys can afford. Try to talk to your husband first to see what his thinking is and perhaps can open a family discussion about what you guys can afford and what everyone’s role is. I’m also in a situation where we have to send money to MIL and SIL, but we earn enough to cover for the basics, but just need to stabilize it.

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Anon August 7, 2015 at 5:26 pm

I understand you, I have similar situation, but is trying to work on it. My husband knows that he needs to resolve this at some point before we end up with no savings, but is now trying to slowing get to that. It’s a hard habit to break when someone’s been depending on you for so long and you don’t know how to break the habit. I think the key thing is to have some preparation for a budget that you can afford and how long the budget should last, because we just planned a max budget we can send for them to live comfortably, but there are also certain emergencies or random things that pop up that drains in addition. It’s hard to tell them that you have to send them less money than they’re used to because they need the buffer when they’re not used to the idea of a saving. Overall it’s up to your husband to decide where to draw the line, and you have to keep reminding him of you guy’s future, perhaps less on blaming on him sending money because he’ll feel pressure from both sides and more defeated. If he can start focusing on the future of his relationship, then he’ll perhaps try to get his side to understand his position and they’ll try to accommodate, because the last thing you want is for the in laws to feel like you’re being stingy to them and manipulative of the husband.

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Worried August 8, 2015 at 5:24 pm

My fiancé is in same boat. His parents are healthy and in early 70s and have social security, retirements and pensions from the U.S. And India, and own a home which they rent out. They insisted my fiancé take out a mortgage to buy them a house to live in. And that he pay that mortgage. And all of their expenses. He earns $38K which is less than his parents’ combined incomes. They have $45K free and clear to do whatever they want with. They take trips to India, give thousands of dollars to the church, and save money for their grandchildren. But what if their son, my finance? He has no money to support himself or save for retirement or contribute to our household. Why would parents who have sufficient lifetime income demand that their son support them, leaving him penniless? If we marry I will support us and our retirement as he has nothing left after giving it all to his parents. I told him to sit with them and put it all down on paper and show them how much he earns and how much he is spending and also how much they earn and them insist that they pay their own way.

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Worried August 8, 2015 at 5:26 pm

My fiancé is in same boat. His parents are healthy and in early 70s and have social security, retirements and pensions from the U.S. And India, and own a home which they rent out. They insisted my fiancé take out a mortgage to buy them a house to live in. And that he pay that mortgage. And all of their expenses. He earns $38K which is less than his parents’ combined incomes. They have $45K free and clear to do whatever they want with. They take trips to India, give thousands of dollars to the church, and save money for their grandchildren. But what if their son, my finance? He has no money to support himself or save for retirement or contribute to our household. Why would parents who have sufficient lifetime income demand that their son support them, leaving him penniless? If we marry I will support us and our retirement as he has nothing left after giving it all to his parents. I told him to sit with them and put it all down on paper and show them how much he earns and how much he is spending and also how much they earn and them insist that they pay their own way. I told him to go to counseling with them or have his uncle sit in so that they will listen. I have a son in college. I will never expect him to take care of me at the expense of himself, his family, or his future. I find it horribly selfish and greedy.

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Briseide August 9, 2015 at 3:07 pm

Hey people,

I m glad I ve found this post. A month ago I was supposed to get married but my ex fiancé choosed to leave me before the wedding because i brought up this topic about money and his parents. To resume the situation, his parents don t need any kind of financial support. They have a house, more than 4 cars, they recently bought a truck and they ve started to build a second house for a relative. They went on holiday 3 times already over 6 months this year. In january his parents asked my ex for money for this second house they ve started to build and a few days later they went on a big holiday. My ex gave them all his money then and he gave them all his money now, after we broke up.
My question is, how can somebody be so blind about the fact that his parents are freeloaders and are using him? I also don t understand how he could choose to keep on giving them all his money, when it s obviously unnecessary and leave me, the woman he said he wants to marry because of this issue ? I can t believe there are such people in this world and in my opinion there has to be a very unhealthy family dynamic in such cases.
If anyone knows the answer please let me know because by myself I can t figure it out.

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Anon August 9, 2015 at 6:46 pm

Hello, it’s unfortunate that happened. Not sure what kind of relationship he has with his parents, sometimes a child is engrained from little to support his/her parents no matter what. I believe he’s just no able to separate that tide with his parents and continue on his own life, he cannot say no to the parents even if he doesn’t want to. But if that’s his attitude I doubt there anything you can do, and probably the best before it affects your finances too if it’s not a one time thing. If you still love him, perhaps stay friends with him and hope that he would wreck him own life and happiness in the process.

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Anon August 9, 2015 at 6:47 pm

Wouldn’t wreck his life*

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briseide August 10, 2015 at 2:01 am

Thank you Anon for your reply. Obviously the story is far more complex. Him giving money to them it s not a one time situation. It happened always since he started working at the age of 16th. Strangely enough his parents Don t ask for money from their elder son but only from him and that other son has his own house and a good job too. I also can t stay friends with him when he betrayed all his promises towards me that easily. I m just shocked of how somebody would choose to put himself in a negative financial situation and leave his future wife for the sake of his parents welfare, when I repeat they are doing more than alright. They Don t struggle to live, they just enjoy a good life throwing endless parties for their relatives, going to holidays, building a second house for one of his mother’s sister, all of these expecting for him to contribute financially no matter what. They are not Indians without any offence to Indian culture.
To me this situation is just outrageous and impossible to understand why a man can t stand up for his own future in front of his parents. Nevertheless I m glad we broke up, I don t want to live my life with a man that can t say no to his parents under these particular circumstances. But I am very bothered by what happened because in my opinion it s stupid and I can t understand it no matter how hard I ve tried. If his parents would have been in a difficult situation and actually in need for his financial support I would have managed to understand he needs to help them but still I Don t agree with giving ALL your money to parents. But since it s not the case I m just confused about how he could make such a choice when he doesn t have his own house, neither savings in his acc and more importantly he gave up on building his own family in order for his parents to be more than fine.

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briseide August 10, 2015 at 2:20 am

I forgot to mention my ex is 29 years old going soon on 30. Someone would say at this age you are not a child anymore to be easily manipulated even if you are unlucky and have manipulative parents. My father for example was trying all the time to take financial advantage of me and my brother, asking always for money because he’s terrible at administering his finances. Over time, before the age of 30 we both managed to tell him no, that we love him but we can t give him money anymore because he needs to be more careful about how he spends his money and that we also have to start build our own future. He eventually understood this and stopped asking us for money.
I have spoken with my ex about these kind of situations and in his opinion, even if in the past he was complaining to me about this money issue he has with his parents, he told me my family is having problems but his family is more than perfect. In 2 years of relationship we have never gave money to my parents but lots of times to his parents and other family. So how can somebody be so brainwashed I will never understand.

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JAGRITI August 10, 2015 at 6:27 am

Thank you !!

Thank you ANON for your reply ….situation is I discussed the matter with my husband but he says Father in law will help whenever required….the thing is he don’t want to ask for help but if needed than in that case he will ask ….Father in law helped us twice or thrice but my mother in law was not happy …with that too…..this month father in law provided 10, 000 for insurance renewal ,,but without informing my mother in law….My father came to jaipur in march and had cleared all things that my money is for me but still situation is same …..

I tried everything ,
I tried to draw a line between me and my husband salary so that I can save but things are not happening …i am thinking to open a RD account ,…to save 5000 ,,,,4000 for me and rest if needed for support in rare situation ,,,,,I don’t know how to handle this…..
Sometimes I think to say to my husband that I will not support you in terms of money but I am afraid to be rude….I told my mil this month that my money is mine I am not going to help you because Me too have expenses ….and if needed than will ask to my husband……

ONE QUESTION

IF MY HUSBAND SALARY IS 30,000 AND EXPENSES ARE MORE ,,,AS WE ARE 4 MEMBERS,,,AND HE GIVES SOME 9000 RS TO MIL ….(WHICH MY MIL NEVER EVER PROVIDES US )…THIS IS RIGHT OR WRONG ??

AND WHETHER 9000 IS REQUIRED FOR MILK , VEGETABLES AND OTHER STUFF FOR FOOD , OTHER THAN BILLS ….

Should we get separated…..

from last one week I am hiding to my husband that i have started doing savings…I told him to never ask me about my savings …and I will give only 4000 Rs …that is what I can give after savings and expenses of mine (canteen , cosmetics) …Is it right or should I say I need money from your end I don’t know how…..

PLEASE REPLY

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Anon August 10, 2015 at 7:42 am

Every family has their own set of expenses and goals, I’m assuming you are talking about $ amounts annually? In terms of how much you should save and how much you should provide I don’t have an answer to, but it just shouldn’t sound like it’s abused. Do you think you guys will be living with mil forever? How long, perhaps after you guys move out things will be different? How old are you guys, and will you and your husband be making more in the future? Unfortunately mil are sometimes hard to deal with. Do you get along with her at all? You don’t have to get along all the time, but does she respect you in anyways? Think about the contributions you been making versus them. Perhaps to them it’s normal that the kids will be living with them for a long time and they want a pool in of money. But if you’re unsatisfied with that, communicate to your husband that you have your goals too, and also for both of you, and see if it’s possible you guys can save for it, therefore have justification for savings. See what the attitude of both your husband and mil is, you shouldn’t be living in a situation where you have to lie to each other.

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JAGRITI August 10, 2015 at 8:03 am

That is correct . I have to look everything ,,,relations, need , long term . I know telling a lie to my husband is not good at all …I never hied anything ,,past ,present …and I don’t want too . That’s why I mentioned that …But I am not able to find the way …from last 6 months,,,I am discussing these things with my husband … he told me to do whatever I want …he just need some money form my side to fullfill all stuffs,,,,I agreed ..He agreed ,..but in July some expenses came in our way …like electricity bill of 8000 ..(I don’t know how it came )…my mil asked me that what i have done with my P.F account and my salary (I changed the company in june and my salary was on hold )….If you have savings than pay it otherwise will ask to father in law next month .My husband asked me about the salary I told the truth and He withdrawl that and paid the bill.I got hurted again balance zero ….If in case I was not doing job than..???? Why anyone asks me about my PF..Why my husband didn’t asked for help to his parents..so I thought to not to tell to him even as he will not ask ny help from his parents …and will never say no his parents …If would have said no at that time relation between us may got worsed….
I cannot say these things to my parents as my mother is a patient of depression ..no body else ……
My sil is sitting at home ,,,nobody wants her to work,,,and in case if she works …my father in law will not take a single penny from her ..
A DIFFERENCE …

I know every family is different ,,,situation is different …but If would have been in my place than ….

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Anon August 10, 2015 at 8:00 am

I understand, it could seem unfair when you feel like one is being more helped than the other. Even sometimes with ones own parents. My parents are divorced and my mom was always a bit more needy than my dad. To add to that, she was rarely there for me when I was little. Ofcourse I help her because she is my mom, even if it felt a little unfair. My husband was there when my mom was going through rough times, so it’s natural that I would reciprocate. The thing with his mil though had became a drain on us, but that’s another matter. My husband has a difficult time saying no too. Thing with them is the mil is also supporting sil and her bf, and they have became too dependent on us.

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JAGRITI August 10, 2015 at 9:11 am

Understood. ..actions with patience affection and wisdom will help me to live smoothly and happily…
Well thank you anon for your support so far ….With ur kind words I realised that when ur husband supported you in ur bad time than I should take decisions which are fruitful and good for everyone….Thank you once again …I am feeling a relaxed now….

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Anon August 10, 2015 at 9:39 am

Work on yourself, ask yourself where you want to be down the road. When you feel like you are capable of self sustaining, then look at the whole senario if it’s only going to drag you down or not. Your life is your own, do not let the current financial situation distract you if you cannot control it. Try to put away some savings, and try to establish a reasonable amount you can contribute and stick with it. Get an idea of how much everyone contributes and what they bring to the household. If you find yourself constantly contributing more and your husband is fine with it, then perhaps you need to rethink the relationship.

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JAGRITI August 10, 2015 at 10:40 am

Sure…will sit n try to figure it out….sooner or later will tell u something good…:)…

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Broken dreams August 11, 2015 at 7:35 am

My MIL wants to retire before the age of 50, granted she’s in another country so we been supporting her and and daughter because she is currently not working due to some difficulties from surgery a few years back. But it seems like she has completely given up on doing anything and expect us to support her for life. I don’t mind supporting her persay, but not the comfortable lifestyle she’s used to because we just can’t afford it in the long run. My husband knows the situation, but I don’t know if we’ll be able to agree on the amount. I do want to go back to school for a masters before I’m 30s, so that’d mean cutting back on everything, and I do not know if we can because of that. The MIL does not know how to save, so I worry frequent last min expenses may come up, and granted her habits and health are not the best, we don’t know what would happen. We also worry if her daughter and future son in law will try to take money from her knowing that she has us, because that has happened in the past. My husband suggest we bring her here, and try to apply her for welfare. But that will be a while until her daughter and son in law can become independent and however long the whole process takes.

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Broken dreams August 11, 2015 at 11:49 pm

Help! I just found out today that my MIL, the sister, and sisters bf all been caught shoplifting and is awaiting trial. It could be just a slap on the wrist with some fines, or $15k bail each, or imprisonment. I know this is no place for legal advise, but it worries us greatly because we’re their financial support. Ofcourse after this is all over and the the outcome is more favorable, we’d drastically take in control of the financial situation and restrict them to alot of things. (hopefully my husband will be on board with me) I don’t know what we gonna do if we do need to bail out, obviously it’ll be more money than we have, we might need to resort to borrowing. I promised my husband I’ll stick with him through this, but I don’t know how to justify it for me.

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Laura August 25, 2015 at 2:56 am

Absolutely he is in the RIGHT to support his mother! If you don’t like it, maybe he is not the right one for you. Period.

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Mary August 26, 2015 at 1:18 am

My husband transfers fund monthly to his mom since 2006, never skip once, the annual support is $6000. Before I decided to marry him, I told him financial freedom is important for me. I asked about his debt and obligation to his family. He lied to me again again about the total debt. When I asked him why his total debt kept increasing, he said I did not hear him right the first time. After we got engaged, I requested to see all his debt statements and track in excel sheet so I can prove to him to that he has been lying to me. I discussed his financial issue with him and his mom (multiple occasiona) to see if we can reduce the monthly support as I know she does not need that much (I know her total income and expense from helping her gathering documents to refinanc her house). The answer I get from her is “no!” My husband can’t say “no” to her either. This creates a lot of friction in our marriage. In our culture, we suppose to help support each other when in need. I don’t mind support her monthly for the amount she needs to pay her bills, but I don’t like giving more than she needs, while we can use that extra money to off his debt. Sometime, I thought for a divorce, I feel that I work so hard to earn the money, I deserve to save that money not paying the bills that my husband can’t pay with monthly income.

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Deborah Dooley August 29, 2015 at 1:58 pm

I am from united state. I have been married for about 3 years and a half. My husband kicked me and my daughter out after 2 years of marriage. We were separated for about a year with not contact. I have prayed so hard for my husband to seek to love me again like he always do, for him to resist temptation and to love me like he is called to do. he left me for another woman i even saw there post on social median how they are loving each other, i cry all day and night i love my husband and i want him back in my life, i search the internet until i meet with a spell caster call doctor ebolo, he assure me that if i can do what he will instruct me that in 48 hours my husband will come back begging me to forgive him, wish i did what he said i should, i am glad to let every body know that my husband and i are living like never before i show love and respect to me i love you he say all day. thanks to doctor ebolo, if you think you need his help contact him on email ebolospelltemple@gmail .com

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Fj September 1, 2015 at 10:43 pm

I’m with the wife on this one. My husband does the same thing. We both work, but he gives his father almost half of his check and when he isn’t on time with it, his father is riding him for the money. Not to mention he pays half his rent on top of it. So every month I’m paying rent by myself and giving my husband money to keep him afloat when he comes crying that he can’t pay something, which is often. So I’m supporting two households and barely able to feed myself. I have reached my limit with it and I’m cutting my husband off financially. I can’t do it anymore. To make matters worse his father won’t talk to me and I have never even met the man as he refuses to have anything to do with me. Sad sad case and he thinks he is entitled…at the end of my rope here…any thoughts you all??

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marsh October 2, 2015 at 1:54 pm

My husband pays a few hundred dollars a month to cover his mothers living expenses I don’t mind piece of mind having her at a place where she is well taken care of, what upsets me is even after being in a place where everything is provided for her meals, laundry service, they even clean her room for her and she still hounds people including her son and I for money on a weekly basis for lotto tickets and cigarettes. My husband and I have separate accounts and a housing account so if the funds come out of his account I’m okay with it but if he dips into the housing account that’s an issue. Especially since I make more and my parents would rather die before asking me for cash for lotto tickets or cigarettes. My parents planned for retirement they live a modest life independent much older then my husbands mother who lives in a retirmment home. I’m truly blessed.

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Reena October 10, 2015 at 2:32 pm

Thanks for the post

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Reena October 10, 2015 at 3:05 pm

Thank god I came across this post. Me and My husband have been married for 6-7 years now. He has built a big house for his parents . He gives them money each month, for all their household bills, which is OK considering he is their only son and they are financially dependent on him. He is also paying for education for his nephew (Sister’s kid), also when we got married, my husband funded for a auto-mobile for his sister’s husband. The shocking thing is, as a newly married couple we did not even used to buy Bus tickets and walked miles and miles, when I first came to the west. I took a huge loan to fund my education, had to take a part-time job to pay half of the household bills. My husband funded for a major expense to his family recently, and within months my FIL asked for a motorbike. While even after 6-7 years living in the West, I am still working, studying and running all household errands on my foot and Bike .!!!. These people worked all their lives, could not make a decent house,and are leeching off us. Every-time we call my in-laws they have some or the other demands. My sis-in-law and her husband are healthy and young yet, they cannot give education to their kids, and keeps asking her brother. Does she forgets that her brother is Married?. Many years ago, I asked my husband to give my father a bit of money, and my husband started throwing things around the house. My husband refuses to take any of my financial responsibility, because he is taking care of his parents. Means Why the hell did he get married?.This is a perfect set up for him and his parents .. He is married , yet have NO responsibility, whereas I am expected to still cook and clean for him.. We never have any holidays, we never go to dinners because restaurants are expensive, we have only been to movies Twice after our wedding. I basically just Work, cook, clean and have no life. Recently, I discussed this with him, and asked him to share half of the housework, consider he take half of the bills from me, to which he reluctantly agreed,….To add to the frustration we started planning for a baby, once the baby comes,, I will be leeching off him..

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Katy November 27, 2015 at 2:13 am

I honestly wouldn’t bring a kid into such a situation. They don’t make bad situations better, they make them worse. He’s not even taking care of you!

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Shari October 16, 2015 at 5:04 pm

My in-laws have started asking for money too. My husband has 3 siblings and 1 of them has agreed to pay some of their expenses and then she comes to the other siblings and asks them to split the expense. I don’t feel that this is fair. My husband and I are trying to live on 1 income because 1 of our children is severely disabled and nurses are expensive and insurance won’t pay. As a result we are in debt and have barely any retirement savings and will not be able to save for our other childrens college. I really resent giving money to his parents who should be able to pay their own bills, I resent his sister for agreeing to pay and then asking us to share the expense and I’m afraid this situation is going to cause problems in my so far happy marriage.

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Angie October 19, 2015 at 7:34 pm

pls hel me.., i need ur advice… i am not good in english but try to understand my messege.., my husband & i having a trouble because of my mother in law…, my MIL always want money she always asking to have money to my husband…, she had a monthly alotee 1200$ from my husband…, its ok for me to help them the side of my uhsband.., my problem is my MIL she s not contented to hav that big amount.., she always asking me to borrow money from our saving and she s not paying back.., i dont ask her topay back from borrowing money coz im shy and i really dont want to ask paying back…, mostly monthly she always asking to borrow money on me even 4 she already had her monthly alotee from my husband.., i always gave her but it made me stupid to think that i always gving her what she wanted…, my husband is the 1 raising his family.., sustaining there needs his brothers studying in college wyl they already hav there own family.., sustaining his sick father.., it good to help them…, but d 1 i hate is my MIL she always dependent to my husband…, she s working in the government.., she had a lot of loans… my husband and i was always having an argue bcause of his mother…, we hav our savings…,i saved all moneys that he gve on me thinking for my son future and for the emergency needs.., my husband dont understand.., ive explain all.., and it mde our marriage ruin bcoz of his mother…, he sed 2 me he really hate me bcoz i had bad attitude and soon he will find new girl…, it made me cry a lot.., i always gave to his family side, i always understand them that they need money.., but it seems it hurts me that im d wife of my husband i cant control his family always gving them.., it mde me hurt me that it goes im d 1 having a bad attitude…, for d very 1st tym wen we r a lovers his mother was very strict..,she act like she dnt like me at first.. i feel she dont want me to b d girl of her son and she dont want to marry in a hurry bcoz my husband sed his mother thinking that she might cant hav all moneys from her son wen we get married.., my husband and i get married wen we r 28 years of age…now weve married my MIL was treating me good the reason s i hav d money of her son…,im saving it for dfuture especially for our baby now.., im crying thinking my husband dont understand on me…, hes a plan to to find a new girl bcoz he really hate me…, i always gave!..

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Katy November 27, 2015 at 1:59 am

We’ve ran into this situation with my in-laws ( really MIL) as well. I’m American and my husband is South Asian. I’ve been to his family’s home many times over the years and they are definitely well-off compared to the majority of the country’s residents. Owning three apartment complexes, land, cars, travelling out of the country every now and then, all adults have been on Hajj, she sometimes pays for nieces/nephews weddings, gifting gold items, etc. There are three brothers with the oldest doing fairly well having worked out of the country for several years and saving money along with his wife (both foreign educated doctors). The middle brother is mildly retarded (I believe) and its hard for him to hold a job but he’s married and his wife just had a second kid! My husband is the youngest with US citizenship and is an engineer.
Right when we come back from visiting it’s become a trend for his mother to ask for upwards of $5000. This is very costly considering it’s generally not cheap for us to travel there every year on top of bringing gifts for close and extended family members as well as giving money which his mother requests for his uncle’s families. I didn’t like the situation but it was manageable. Now they are adding floors onto the complex they live in and she has been asking for more money concerning that and (out of the blue) to pay for his sister-in-law/cousin’s hospital bills (for a 2nd kid)! My husband had been trying to avoid her for the past couple weeks because he’s stressed with his job being on-call 24 hours/day. She calls upwards of 20 times/day asking for money, to file their US residency papers, harassing him about religious matters, and constantly comparing him to another cousin of his who won the US green card lottery and has already brought his parents to the US. Why this matters, I’m not sure considering it’s been said to my face that they don’t like most Americans (lol whatever). His older brother is more stern and absolutely will not give money to uncles, aunts, cousins or even pay for these hospital bills but somehow avoids being chastised even while living in the same home as his mom. I don’t want him to lose the relationship with his mom over money (as sad as it is) but I’m not willing to continually contribute to others’ excessive luxuries and bear the brunt of their poor decision making. I know taking care of parents is part of their culture (worldwide really) but at some point it delves into disgusting greed. I think a good plan is to allot a set amount of money and give half on arrival and half 3-4 months later while we’re in the US. Giving not one dollar more at any point, not bringing anymore gifts except for nieces/nephews and not throwing money to beggar uncles either. Does this sound like a good idea?

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briseide November 27, 2015 at 2:58 am

Hi Katy.. I believe you are still lucky because it seems like your husband does see the situation for what it is, meaning his parents and extended family as free loaders. So you should talk to him and both decide what is best to do. My ex dumped me shortly before getting married for his parents which are also in a very good financial situation but they always ask for more money from him and strangely enough he seems to be fine with that. He told me he would rather have nothing but have them. So it can be worse. Just talk to your husband and find a way to cut off some of their absurd demands and expectations.

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Heather December 4, 2015 at 1:57 am

Here’s an additional problem that I am having: what if my parents are struggling due to huge debts accrued from bad investments as well as huge dental/medical bills (in the thousands each year). They are retired, and have a decent pension, most of which goes to their living expenses (mortgage and car payments, food and other bills.) They already owe us a debt, in the form of a line of credit which my husband is paying off for them (with the expectation they will still pay him back). Now, they have been taking care of our children for many years. They pick up both of them after school every day and keep them until we can pick them up around 6 pm each night. They help them with schoolwork. They often provide them lunch and supper. They frequently look after them on weekends and evenings. They sometimes take them to their activities and appointments for us. In addition, they also took care of me every day, driving me to all my appointments, after I got out of the hospital last year. They helped me clean my entire house, looked after my lawn, weeded my garden, and bought a few things I needed. It should be mentioned that that also paid for our wedding and gave us their condo to sell as a downpayment for our house, before moving into a house of their own before things went sour for them. They didn’t ask us to pay them back. Now that our own house is paid off, and I am back to work clearing $5000 per month, I think it is only fair to help them in return. However, my husband began accelerating the payments on their loan last year (to avoid interest and get rid of the debt to the bank which has his name on it). He tells me I should not be paying them a cent, but this was not communicated with them on his end, as we had previously been paying them $500 per month to look after the oldest child, $800 for both children. Daycare would cost at least that amount (my friend charges $600 per after-school child in her dayhome), not to mention the weekend/evening babysitting and gas and all the extras that they are providing for free, not to mention loving care. This is a big bone of contention between my husband and I as he feels they are freeloading off of us (not the other way around). I would be willing, at this point in my life, to just pay off & forgive their loan to us and continue to pay them monthly as long as they continue to be well enough to take care of the children. My husband argues he should quit *HIS* job in order to stay home with the kids just to avoid paying my parents, allowing them to potentially lose their house, because they deserve to be “punished” for being financially stupid (yes, he has said this, in front of our children). I think he is being vengeful for no reason. His family didn’t help us out at all, in any way. He is right to put our children first, but they are well provided for, our house is paid off, and we are even putting money away into savings & into the kids’ future education without being strapped for cash. Why would I turn my back on my parents?

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Muskan December 8, 2015 at 6:15 am

Sounds like page from my book. I didn’t realize until after I was married just how dependent my parents-in-law were. My FIL’s entire life, he had been depended on his elder brothers, and his own father in law for a while. He never showed interest in earning for himself. He would work here and there and give up. His elder brother ended up taking the financial responsibility of his family, which put my MIL in helpless position as well. Luckily, my husband grew up very independent, but now he feels responsible for his parents to the point where he has given free access of his bank account to his father and my FIL definitely makes use of my husband’s bank account as if it were his own hard earned money. We also pay for their plane tickets when they come to visit us in US. Everytime they come we also pay for their shopping. My husband also hands him our credit card to use during his stay with us (which is long 6 months). I would not mind so much if my FIL wasn’t such a ego maniac. He buys things for us using my husband’s money then he boasts about it in front of everyone as if he paid for it on his own. One time he bought a gift for me, and then told me how much it cost him. He has convinced my husband that as a son he owes him everything just because he is his father, it doesn’t help that our culture puts lot of emphasis on taking care of our parents no matter what. I have parents too. They sacrificed a lot to bring us up in a new country. They worked 2-3 jobs at a time so we can have our best chance. They did not take hand outs from others. In fact, when we were first married, my parents helped us financially to get started. They deserve soemthing from me too. As a daughter, there are things I would like to do for them as well. But the expenses we incur from my in laws does not leave us any surplus to do anything for my parents. How is it fair that people who have leeched off of others get treated royally, yet people who have always worked hard do not even get little bit of break. Even more, we need to save to raise our son the way we want to, but my in laws do not seem to care if we are able to save for our and our son’s future. Just as long as they can live in luxury.

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lucy December 18, 2015 at 8:48 am

hi

we all are on the same boat. my in-laws want my husbands full money and more than that they are cmpelling me to give my properties to them . moreover they are not sending me to work and expecting my parents to spent all kind of expenses for me. they also demanding that if i want to go to work i should surrender all my properties to them. my husband is sending a huge amount of money monthly to them and we have no money to live.

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Katy January 18, 2016 at 8:50 pm

Since you are not living with them, it should not be their decision as to whether you work or not. In my American mindset, I don’t believe it would be their decision even if you lived with them. You are an adult I assume? They are not your parents, they are your husbands. Don’t even contemplate giving one single inch of your property to them. What is the worst that can happen if you go on your own and get a job? If your husband/his parents only yell and cry, let them yell and cry. Women NEED to be independent.

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lucy January 21, 2016 at 7:48 am

thank you for your reply and support

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divya January 18, 2016 at 7:44 pm

I have been suffering through a similar situation since March 2011..my father in law was dismissed from service panchayat in andhra Pradesh india..however we were unaware of this else would have called off the wedding then and there..it seems to be a common case where parents always condition and brain wash their children to take care of them first..I don’t even know what my husbands monthly take home salary is and also he doesn’t tell me how much bank balance we have and where the money is going ..every month he will say he only has the current month salary in his account..else he will insult saying that all the money is going to feed me and my needs however I have never made him spend so much on me.. he always insulted me whenever I tried to ask what he earns and how much money we have..he has ultimate respect pity and devotion towards his parents and I suspect that he is giving them a major chunk of our money..his parents are shameless freeloaders by the way..they have no remorse as well about being dismissed..seems fil is stuck in some bribery case or fraud case

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crystal January 19, 2016 at 3:43 am

Definitely, emphatically agree with the wife here. I was in a similar situation, tho my FIL passed a couple of years ago (thank God!) or husband would still be sending him money. I figure that over the 20+ years we have been together, he gave him in the neighborhood of between $20,000 to $40,000, money which could have padded a college fund for our 2 kids. This was truly a galling situation and by the time FIL died, I hated the man and could hardly wait for him to croak. And my husband financially cheated on me by doing this and never in fact told me he was doing it. I always used to say if I suddenly lost my memory and couldn’t tell what time of the year it was or day or time of month, I could by when his dad would call husband begging for money, i.e., at the beginning of the month, he would call for money to cover his transportation costs for the month; the middle of the month because I would tear up the bill when it came usually, he would be notifying him to pay his cable bill (including Playboy channel), or they were going to shut him off; and at the end of the month, he would call him, looking to “borrow” money to tide him over until he got his SS check at beginning of month. Biggest leach that ever lived. Barely worked an honest day in his life, and we weren’t then and probably, because of husband giving so much to this POS father of his, are not rich now. He gave away mine and my kids’ future to his dad. We definitely did not come 1st in his book….His dad did!

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diñi February 3, 2016 at 12:22 am

I have the same problem with my husband, but wht i worse for my situation is tht he doesn’t tell me i hear from the family and by mistake. N when i confront him he denies it. I no how much he ernes and he would say he does not have money. And when i check what i heared it adds up. I did not mind buying them groceries but helping them build their house is just too much. We dont have a house of our own we are renting, n on my family side we do nothing for them.. wht can i do please help

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Anon February 9, 2016 at 11:46 am

I am reconsidering marrying my boyfriend now as he told me that both of us will have to support his father’s house. This means paying the mortgage, the household bills while living with his parents and his brother and sister-in-law “temporarily.” I plan on going to grad school in the fall and asked if this would be acceptable with him and he stated that it would be and that should the family need additional income, he would like me to work on weekends and manage. I can understand HIM helping his own family and his family’s mortgage, bills, etc., but to expect me to look after and help the family’s situation and tell me that we will have to sacrifice “for the family” is making me uncomfortable. Is it wrong that I am considering not marrying him based on this? There is more but it’s too much to type.

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briseide February 9, 2016 at 11:59 am

He is so wrong Anon..When you get married you should become family and be first priority for him. If he wants to support all his family now, he will want to continue for sure after the marriage with this support. Plus I find it very unfair to ask you to help them. For some guys the family of origin is more important than anything else. My ex dumped me for this reason, and now when I hear people like my ex and your guy I just simply can’t understand why they feel they have to put family of origin before them and the spouses. You shouldn’t feel bad at all, consider you can’t build a family and future with a man that didn’t tie his family knot. It will always be a burden that you will have to pay for as well. I m way better now without all that stress of his family that constantly needed more money. And there are guys out there who believe once you want to get married you need to focus on the needs of your new family.

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shruti February 21, 2016 at 5:40 am

Same here Nibha and Niomi. I am facing the same issue and I don’t know how to overcome this situation. My mother-in-law never ever feels auckward to demand quite a huge portion of our income. We literally support them financially completely- their expenses on two houses- one in city and another at native. My husband and I stay in rented apartment. We completely took the burden of his younger sisters marriage. But there is not a single word of appreciation anytime. I feel that my mother-in-law only feel jealous about my quality of life and always does comparison between me and her daughter. She was housewife and her daughter is lecturer. She doesn’t want to do corporate job like me as it’s a hardship. Her daughter was at home for 2 years after her post graduation. On the other hand my husband and I were on job next month after our post graduation.

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G February 23, 2016 at 10:27 am

Hello,
My story is different: the in law offered us money, even though we never asked for any £.

My mother in law offered £15k towards our property deposit for over 5 years (never mentioned it would be a loan), and two years ago+ added £5k (after she helped her other son with his property, she wanted to give the us same amount). Whist having our chats about deposit money, she did mentioned £15k is a gift and that she may want £5k back in the future, but also said that, and I quote “I prefer to die before I ask for any money back from you”.

In November 2015, my husband and I decided to buy our flat. My mother in law gave us £20k towards our flat deposit (the money were transferred into my husband bank account).

The problem started a month after she gave us the £20k, right after we moved into the new flat. She started an email thread in which she included other family members in which she is asking me to sign a Document: “it will say that you relinquish any claim on the sum of the deposit that came from J**’s family and in the event of any early demise or separation, the sum returns to the family estate”.

I sent her a reply, and then called to confront it and say that I will not sign ANY of these documents. Her excuse was that her situation changed and she is not asking for the money back straight-away, but wants to ensure that IF she ever was to need the money, this Document would ensure her to take it from us. I recorded a call in which she is confirming what she said in past (£5k possible loan/ only if she would need it in her old age/no time limit + £15k gift).

At the moment: She is asking her son back home in order to sign a Document in which he is agreeing that the £20k was a loan. My husband prefers not to sign any Documents, BUT doesn’t want to upset her (she was suicidal in the past, and therefore agrees with signing it to keep her happy).

Why I don’t agree with it, even though I understand it was her money and out of respect I should agree to it… BUT: me and my husband looked into property since we got married 5 years ago and we always took her advice when coming to buying a house: In the past, properties were much cheaper, but because of her interference we did not purchase anything then (a modern 3 bed I was looking into that would’ve cost us £100k, she said that Council tax would be too expensive etc)… I understand now that it was our mistake in allowing her into our decisions, but because she was gonna help us and part of the deposit money was coming from her… In the end, we ended up paying alot more for 2 bedroom flat: it cost us £121k.

Another point, aside paying £21k extra for a smaller flat, the deposit we payed was well over the 10% requested by the bank: We were ‘advised’ by her to pay in all our money toward the deposit – leaving us with just a grand in the bank :/. We payed a total of £39k deposit.

I would not have accepted her money if I knew she wanted it back!

My question is: What can I do to bring her back to the previous ‘deal’? Can she ask for it all back? Is she in the right to ‘hidenly’ ask my husband/her son to sign a loan document, 3 months after the transfer, even though it was NOT all a loan?

Any Suggestions?

Thank you.

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Michelle February 27, 2016 at 1:28 am

I’m somewhat on the same boat as everyone here, every time I speak to my mother in law it was seems to end up about money. Earlier today she told me how her phone bill came out to way too much and she didn’t know how she was going to be able to pay it because she had other bills to pay. After an awkward silence she began to say how unrateful her son (my husband) is that he’s working making good money he should be able to pay her bills or at least pay his younger sisters cell phones, they’re 17 and 18. And let me add my husband and I are 24, he’s working in scaffolding and he’s making “okay” money and Im a stay at home mom. We’re buying a trailer house, we have a car to pay plus a whole lot of other bills and we’ve barely began to start saving for ourselves. So I got fed up with what she was saying about him and told her that it wasn’t because he was ungrateful but his sisters are not his responsibility they’re hers and we barely have money for ourselves how are we going to be supporting someone else? And she just began to say how he used to help her and she doesn’t know what happened and basically saying “I” happened. I’m the reason he doesn’t give her money. Then she went on to say that my husbands priorities should be his kids then his mother then his wife: I’m also going to add she is undocumented and she doesn’t have a job but she owns 2 homes (paid off), rents one of them out, she has 2 trailers behind her home and rents those out. My husband is one of 3 boys and 2 girls. My husband is the only one who’s still married and supports his kids. Yet he’s the only one she asks because he’s probably the most generous, she cries in front of him to make him feel bad and tells him that he owes her because she supported him his entire life. Which I think is bs, she chose to have kids they shouldn’t have to be in debt to her. So anyways my husband has given her long here and there but not much, he knows she has money. I can honestly say she’s just a money hungry person. I’m so grateful that my husband isn’t blind to his mothers ways, he’s told her before that his kids and I are his priority and she needs to understand that, but she’s always hated that he puts me before everyone. I don’t know if I’m wrong to not want to help her but I believe once you’re married your spouse comes before your parents and if your spouse doesn’t want you to give unnecessary money to your in laws then you don’t.

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Michelle February 27, 2016 at 1:30 am

One of 4 boys***

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MIL money Tree March 17, 2016 at 12:57 pm

I was so upset yesterday I almost posted a 10 page post! No way to make the long story short! so I am trying key points 1. We are self employed. 2 had my father in law work for us doing odds and ends. ( love and adored him!!) 3. Also my BIL who was laid off and did nothing to find a job, ended up with us. (again Love him dearly, NOT as an employee) He is 50+ still lives home with his mom 3. My Mother in law did not like them home. They all fought. We carried my brother inlaw working for us for over 15 years! He would also get upset and quit for a week or 2 and then come back like nothing happened, and we always let him back. ( we are a business, not a nursery school) The last time he was told, If you leave now, you are not coming back. Hubby called his mom told her. He also told her that he set up 3 places where he can go for a job and be hired on the spot. ( less, pay closer to his home, and simpler work like fueling, and servicing filters, cleaning trucks. With that of course we became the bad guys. Throughout all this I gave my MIL 500.00 per month weather we parked my husband commercial vehicle in her yard or not. Plus hubby gave her extra when times were good. I paid for her cell phone for over 10 years, and always gave her large money gifts. ( She always talked about how she couldn’t afford things. I also took care of my BIL finances, and saved him a VERY nice nest egg in case he wanted to buy a house, or found a woman to marry. When they moved I saw his accounts going down, he was aware of it but never said where it was going. ( I won’t lie, I know it wasn’t my money But I worked hard, to help him save that money, and it hurt to see such a large amount start to disappear without knowing why.) It was never said, but I know exactly where it was going, part of it anyway. My MIL. She had asked me to mail her his paycheck once a month for her to take as rent because he would forget to give it to her. He agreed, I did it. A few months she said she miss calculated her finances and need another check of his. ( My Mother in law knows EXACTLY what she is doing with money) He gave the OK I did it. Then she changed the mailing dates a few times saying they were coming late ( They were NOT, I saw deposit dates Duh!) and ended up with extra checks ( yes he gave the OK )
Anyone who is self-employed will know, when times are good you save it for when times are bad. My husband and I went without getting paid for over 8 months. BUT EVERYONE ELSE WAS PAID (including MIL) , and our emergency fund was almost gone! To say we have struggled in life is an understatement. ( If I told you all how , It would be a series of books, and you would think all these things can’t happen to just one person. Till this day my mom tells me I have to write this stuff down and do a series of books! and YES we survived, from cancer to business…around the moon and back we survived! lol)
In 2013, it was a very emotional time. In one year we lost my Dad at 83, 3 months later My father in law 82, and throughout the year 3 dogs that were all in their teens. Everyday there were tears
My Father in-law was made to live like a pauper. He was only given enough money for coffee, cake and the paper. He never had money on him, and if he did get tips, or extra from us, he hid it in his sock. lol When he passed, my MIL handed over a life insurance policy for his funeral. My husband asked me if it was ok if we used our money for some things. I told him of course! Your father lived like a pauper! I don’t want him to die like one! Do whatever needs to be done! ( I am not a vicious daughter in law, my inlaws are treated as if they are my immediate family. I know if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have fallen in love with my husband! Let let work with him lol)
Since my Father in law past, my mother in law cries pauper, left and right. We have given her money, went in ½ for her new stove. When she saw she was getting the new stove, she told my husband I also need a new refrigerator. So my husband and I bought the refrigerator. Few months later she said she needed a hot water heater. Hubby called a friend, and we bought it and had it installed.
When originally moved, I saw my brother in law paying for everything. Including tax checks she took to do work on the house. New porch, fence ext: His accounts dropped over 25,000.00, not including paychecks that were sent directly to her. My husband and I told her she should put the house under my brother inlaws name. He is paying for everything. Plus she was getting 500.00 from us a month. We didn’t want to see my BIL put in all this money and end up with nothing! (No we did not want our name on the house, Just my brother in law who lived and paid for everything)
She refused. But we kept advising her, even after he quit! We even advised for her to sell and get something smaller with less steps. Nope! She wont have it!
Fast forward to the present. My brother in law never went to the places that would have hired him on the spot, he never even looked for work. I was just told he could have gotten a job with UPS ( a cousin was going to get him in recently ) and My mother in law said No! “ He needs to take care of me”
They live in a house with a lot of steps, she can’t do them. Last week, she told my husband she wants him to install a security camera , with a intercom and buzzer so she can see and buzz people in. ( she lives with her son, who is capable of answering a door! And she wanted us to pay for it! ) They are also talking about an outside elevator to get her in and out. Another expense on her kids ( Not something my husband and I will pay for alone)
Then we were leaving her 85th birthday party, and my husband was pulled to the side and asked if he would go ½ in getting someone from the church to come and help take care of her. To get her in the shower, clean ( Since my father in law passed the house is now gross! Brand new oven covered in grease, looks like it was used for 20 years and never cleaned) My mother in law was never an active person. (Even healthy Her daughter joked how she never moves, Aunts make comments ext: ) This compounded with her health situation now increasing her lack of mobility. ( I hate to say it, but in in the past I think some of it was exaggerated to get others to do for her, or get what she wanted.)
Well, I am a very intuitive person. The other night I couldn’t sleep thinking about my inlaws, my sister in law, brother in law. I had a nagging feeling. Plus things seemed so off when we were at the party. ( BIL wasn’t there we haven’t seen my him in 3 years, since Dad past. He avoids us like the plague, hides when we visit ext:)
My husband and I had an underlining impression that we didn’t belong at the party.( 4 siblings, 2 cant afford it so we paid for ½) I did something I never did. I was talking to my cousin, and she asked if my MIL ever switched the house. I told her no, we have been trying to have her do it for years. My cousin said, if I ever wanted to I can check the internet. Well I did!
My husband and I have been LIED TO FOR THREE YEARS!! She transferred the house under my Bother in law, and my younger sister inlaw, and my older sister in law handles her finances.
My husband is so hurt!! We both feel used and abused financially, and emotionally. We have always been on a need to know basis, left out of invites ext. ( Hurts but we move on, we have each other) There is so much more that was given from us financially. They live in a house they can’t afford, they don’t even keep it semi clean, and she can’t get in or out of it! ( unless she really wants to) So yes, when you are constantly asked to lay out money, you have the right to help and look for solutions and give advice. We never harped on anything! 2 or 3 minute conversations. Plus we were always respectful about it!
How can she look at us in the face when we try and give her helpful advice: Meanwhile she KNOWS she FINALLY did one of the things we have been suggesting to her for over 10 years? Why not tell us! Last weekend was the icing on the cake, and then I find out what was already done! My husband was thinking maybe a reverse mortgage will help her ext: We were calculating cost ext: Why play on our sympathy, waste our time and efforts to help her? We always did what we could and then some! We are not a money tree!! Yes we are career oriented. If we weren’t there would be no way in hell that we could support our own family, and do what we do for them! Why do they pull my husband away alone to ask him? He tells them is from both of us. I stay out of his toolbox , he stays out of my books! We are a team! I can live with being the outsider, but for us to be lied to?… After 30 years from wanting to help and give, even when it’s NOT THERE to give WE DID, We did without!….. We are now at the stage where we will worry about our own family, our kids, and our future. You can only help those who are willing to help themselves. She and my brother in law have options! If they choose not to take them, it will be there choice, NOT our financial burden. We enable her to do the things she does by reaching in our pockets. If she doesn’t have the extra they will have to figure out how to help themselves. My Brother in law is capable of working. He wont even tighten a bolt on a lamp for her, paint a wall, wash a glass!
Ok Im done…. 10 pages down to 2 Sorry

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yogeeta March 18, 2016 at 2:21 am

I read the full story. I think Wife is right. If parents really don’t need it and doing well without son financial support, its good. They should be happy. Though we should be helpful to parents if they are in need, but it shouldn’t be a compulsion. Wife should just ask the guy if Guy will support wife’s parents (his in-laws ) same way. Wife’s parents must have also raised her, educated her and even got her married. So they are eligible for support too in this case. I am very sure, here tables will be turned in terms of expectation.

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Peter March 19, 2016 at 6:06 pm

I would need more details to answer. I am in a similar situation and would like to know if others think I’m wrong.
I pay for a house that my father lives in at 650 per month (I make 55,000/year).
My father has been through troubled times and filed bankruptcy and lost his house. Then a few years later he became ill and has had numerous health issues that he will be finding out soon weather or not it will qualify him for disability. He will be withdrawing social security in the next 6 months and will pay everything he has left over ($500/month if he does get the disability kicker).

Although 650/month is less than a quarter of my take home pay. It is still a large amount of money. But it is going to pay for a house in my name that will be paid off when my son is ready for college and will basically be his college fund the house today appraised for about 130,000.

My immediate family and I have everything we need and a good amount of what we want. Our current financial budget is very tight however with many bills including braces for my spouse taking care of 8 pets and my current work location requiring me to drive 600 miles per month (thankfully gas is less than $2/gal right now). Along with our own mortgage payments, vehicles, etc.
The financial situation will be difficult for the next six months but it can be made to work with a little sacrifice. After 6 months I will also be collecting a substantial check for my GI bill plus the money my father will be paying and the raise I am set to receive in April and the change in work location requiring a commute of about 1 mile a week.

My spouse says kick him out now or she is leaving. I feel that she is being unfair.

I welcome all opinions.

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Naomi April 10, 2016 at 11:55 am

Hi Peter,
I want to say that things usually get better over time especially for a son who is taking care of his father. My husband is and was doing the same thing. He supported his parents’ house. He used to pay like $1800 a month when we got married. I was frustrated as well. I don’t have parents. They passed away when I was in college and I didn’t have the chance to look after them, so it’s hard for me to understand as we were in financial difficulty with debts on our side. I tried to understand and it was so hard. I persuaded him to try to get this mortgage support lower and now we only have to pay half and it’s going to go down to zero in a few years when another son takes over. The house is in his name right now and of course we were hoping to get the money back one day but I don’t keep that hope very high. Now i got a good job and we are doing much better and I have no regrets of supporting his parents. We were and we still are doing a good thing in our lives. If we look at it negatively it just hurts our lives instead. You should be proud about being a good son coz life is short. Not everyone can do what you did. I believe good things will come after that. So, forget the negativity in our lives. Look at the things in a positive way and good solution will come. I hope your wife will see the situation that way. I understand her completely coz I am in her shoes. I sacrificed a lot for his family. I was angry but now I finally find my peace. Honoring parents is never wrong.

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Briseide April 10, 2016 at 2:14 pm

Hi Naomi,

I read your message and I was curious on your thoughts in a situation I’ve been through.
I posted a few months ago my story, basically my ex fiancé dumped me 2 weeks before our wedding because I addressed him this situation with him always helping his parents and never mine on the other hand, but also my parents never asked for any of our help, despite the fact they live a more modest life than my ex’s parents. I have to add that his parents were doing way better than we did.
They have everything they need, their own house paid off, expensive cars but they enjoy a life of luxury with parties and holidays so obviously extra money from their child doesn’t hurt them to keep up their life style. While we were renting and had no savings, the day when he told me his parents were on another holiday (3rd time over 6 months) but that he will send his mother some extra money because I quote”she probably needs it”, while we had future expenses with the wedding and other things, I could not help myself and I told him this is completely unfair to us as a young couple trying to built their own family and future, without any help from his parents nor mine. He got extremely mad and told me he would rather have nothing but keep on “helping them”. It hurt extremely as you can imagine, but I do not regret saying what I’m truly thinking. I believe in such case the situation is called free loaders. There probably are people who think the opposite of me, but to me it was unbearable to know they have fun and everything they need and I have to put up with this and be always second for my future husband, and that our needs and welfare will always have to come second after them, that I repeat, they have more than enough. Plus I have seen his mother the day he went back to them, throwing another party where she was all smiles, 2 days after he dumped me , 2 weeks before getting married. Would you still have found the positivity in this situation? Because I honestly couldn’t and still can’t see it in a positive way. I respect my parents and all good parents, but I believe a marriage should be on the idea “leave and cleave” to your new family, and not putting always first the parents. Thank you!

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Naomi April 11, 2016 at 2:06 am

Hi Briseide,
I’m not saying my view fits every situation. I’m Just sharing what I did and as you can imagine, I’m still not off the hook. I still have to remind myself everyday that it’s alright. My situation is that I love my husband very much not to let him feel trapped between a wife and his parents. What I’m saying is it takes time. Trust me we argued like every week about cutting the cord off but it took time to make me see that it hurts both of us and took us to no solution.
At first, yes, my in laws and I didn’t click at all. They thought I took away their funding source and I thought they couldn’t let their son go free.
After each fight, I saw my husband was extremely sad getting trapped in between us. He said his parents are old and he doesn’t want to feel guilty about anything at the time they leave this world. He wants to be at peace knowing he did everything he could while they were alive which I can relate pretty well as I have lost my parents and the fact that I wanted to make him happy pushed me to try my best with his parents.
As he was able to see I tried my best, he tries his best to gradually cut down the payments.
What I’m saying is according to my experience, sometimes it takes time to solve the problems in a relationship, the one that I cannot let go. Only after a while I got married, I can see that he and I are not leaving our own families but expanding them, so we have to deal with them too.
I’m not saying you are in the same situation as I am. We all have different ways of dealing things. Plus 2 weeks away from your wedding, God, it’s heartbreaking. But If you believe you are better off without him and all this drama, I admire that. Leave and cleave, right?
Sometimes, it’s clearer to see from afar than up too close and we know our heart , what we can tolerate and what we can’t, better than anybody else.
The only thing I learned, hon, fighting and arguing never helps anything. I have learned to control the impulse to wait for the best timing and to soften it up. I wish you happiness.

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Briseide April 11, 2016 at 5:10 am

Hi Naomi,

Thank you for your kind reply. I admire your strength and wisdom. I too believe fighting and arguing never helps. I also loved my ex dearly, and it was heartbreaking the brutal separation we had, because I always had his best interest at heart and I was in shock to see how easily he could leave after having said so many big things like he wants to grow old with me and I’m the best thing ever happened to him etc. However I could see clearly what the situation is, and since I believe in an marriage there should be 2 people committed to make it work, and obviously my ex was not thinking the same way as I do, I knew there is not enough if I’m the only one loving too much out of the 2 of us. My conversation started as a way to find a compromise to his and his parents situation, I never believed that it will be the end instead. I also have a strong feeling of what is fair and what not, and I don’t deal well with unfairness. I don’t know if I was selfish but I honestly do not regret anything. I would have been very unhappy to see how his parents use him and I have to be quiet about it. So yes, eventually all went for the better, I don’t have all that drama in my life and I am doing alright now. If there is something I can’t stand into men are those ones who can’t untie their ombylical knot with their mothers and become grown up men and to whom their mothers are the best and the wives are never good enough. Rather than living with a man like this I would honestly prefer to have a child and raise the child on my own.
Best of luck to you too!

Alex March 24, 2016 at 10:02 am

You could not have described the situation better for me. me and my wife are married for 3 years not and I feel its my responsibility to give financeial support to my parents. My parents send me abroad to study, spent money on my marriage and by god’s grace my dad is healthy and still works BUT for all they’ve done for me, for my upbringing, to make me a person I am today, I owe it back to them. If they were not there to support me financially for higher studies, I wouldn’t have been in the situation I am in. I live in the UK and they are in India, they do not have a life long pension or any other source of income to support them. They live with my brother as we are a close knit family which is not a problem at all for us. My brother looks after their every need and is the bread winner for all family.

I feel like contributing financially towards my parent for the plush life they’ve always given me.

On the contrary, my wife says that she would like to help her parents as well. They are four sisters. My response to that situation is to ask my wife to ask all her sisters to contribute something towards their parents. It should not be just her to take this step. I feel like doing it as my brother helps to run the daily needs and provides a house (run the household) for my parents as well. So, he is already providing some care and financial support.

In my view, all four daughters should help their parents by contributing equally. If my wife does not agree with me and wants to go out of the way to provide financial support just on her own and not including her sisters, I think that is unfair.

Obviously, every household, culture or person is different. I would welcome any opinions.

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Shanon April 12, 2016 at 1:14 am

This whole blog has been an interesting read. I will write about two situations, one mine and the other my sister’s. My husband and I are IT professionals. We both earn enough for a decent living (no house yet). We have a common pool and our personal fund. The common pool is for a future home and kid’s expenses when we have one. My husband makes more than I do, but he sends money home every month for this family. When I say family, it is for his parents and a brother who is married and a sister who is in college. The elder brother is married and has two kids. They all live together in their ancestral home. My husband earns more than me, but 25% of his husband’s salary goes to his family and hence his contribution to the pool is a little less than mine. Now this sounds atrocious at first sight. But then there is some history to this. My FIL spent a major part of his savings on my husband for his college and his brother used to work in the farm and send him money every month to cover college and living expenses. They did this for 6 years before my hus could stand on his own feet. Today they lead a reasonably comfortable life and they dont need the money from my husband. But they could have lived in luxury had they kept the money they spent on him to themselves. We hadnt discussed finances before marriage. So initially I was a bit taken aback. I wouldnt fight for this because I beleive that even if my husband was without a job I could take care of the home on my own. So money was not the thing. But it was a bit disturbing. I decided to bring this up one day. He explained the background and how he would feel guilty if he was driving a merc and they would have to go by public transport. He wouldnt have come to where he is now had it not been for his brother and father. He would have probably got into the family farming business. So I am thankful to the family that has made him what he is today and I understand the sacrifices that were made. It is a cultural thing. I come from a different culture and background. I dont send money to my parents, but just send them the occasional gifts. But I understand the way his family environment works. I wouldnt lose the peace in my family for a few thousand dollars a year. Also my husband has a simple lifestyle and all the money he throws in to the pool is for my aspirations for a bigger home and better lifestyle. That means a lot to me.

Now the next situation is that of my sister. Her husband is the bread-winner. My sister goes to school for her post-graduate studies and does odd jobs (library hours at university, accounting assistance at offices etc.) a few times in a month that meets her personal expenses for eat-outs with friends, mobile bills, gas etc. The husband takes care of the family expenses. Since the girl goes to school her husband does most of the chores at home. The guy sends a small amount of money to his parents who are both retired. His parents live in a third world country with pretty much no assistance (no health care, no social security etc.) except for some pension. That would be sufficient for their humble living, but the husband feels an obligation to send them some money for a slightly better quality of living. My sister goes mad at this. They live closeby and so we meet up once in a fortnight. Everytime she is at our place she brings this up and wants us to take her side and counsel her husband. We dont discuss our personal finances with my sister and so she doesnt know that my husband sends money to his family. I tried to explain to my sister that I feel it is unfair. She doesnt earn and she tries to dictate terms on her husband’s finances. To be fair, the guy is better at managing money than my sister. Even with a modest earning, he managed to buy a small house (even before he was married to my sister) and car both mortgage free and some decent investments. Now my sister walked into the marriage empty handed and now wnats to dictate terms on everything he has. They are now at the verge of parting. I dont want her to spoil her marriage. My BIL is quite a nice guy. But for this disagreement they get along quite well. But my sister brings this up every other day and bad mouths her in-laws. This turns into a big fight and she comes to me for solace. I would be really sad if they break up for this reason. I really hope things get better for them.

I dont think many of you in this forum would agree with me. By all means, it is unfair for a spouse to take his/her partner’s money and spend it on his/her family. But at the same time it isnt unfair to send some money to the family from whatever one earns. It is not fair for anyone to dictate terms on each and every penny of their partner’s pay check. There should be savings for a home, kids education, a medical emergency etc. But at the same time how much each of them drops into the family’s chest is a personal choice. If one of the partner’s feel a need for a better quality of life then it is for them to make that extra effort to earn more and put it in there. It is best to discuss these things before marriage. But that doesn’t happen most of the time. The quality of life also depends on how less couples fight and how much more they can learn to ignore things that don’t reach an agreement. If none of that works, then it is best to say goodbyes rather than live in an unhappy marriage.

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Chris April 28, 2016 at 7:22 am

I think the crux here after reading several posts is that when you enter marriage, the understanding is that your new spouse and any children you may have is now your IMMEDIATE family. Without this understanding, the foundation of the marriage is compromised from day one.

Marriage and life nowadays is full of economic pressures, it’s not like it was 50 years ago. Whilst I fully appreciate that blood is thicker than water, the agreement in marriage is that you enter it knowing full well that your partner and children are now your sole focus. They are now your family. All other needs are secondary. If you can’t commit to this you are effectively still married to something else.

Would you board a plane crossing the Atlantic if the captain told you he had other commitments other than your safety and the safety of the plane- and that these external commitments may take priority? Neither would I.

The same applies to marriage. Your commitment must be to your new partner, there is no grey area here. Logically if they can’t commit to this it actually brings into question the integrity of the commitment they have to you in the first place – in which case find someone else. If they won’t put in 100% for you, you would be crazy to put in 100% yourself.

And it’s this imbalance build up that is a major friction point in marriages where this occurs. Resentment builds in the partner who is putting in 100% when their partner is only putting in 65% because 45% of their efforts/attention/finances goes to support “another” marriage.

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Anon June 13, 2016 at 1:35 pm

I’m married and I feel pressured about giving money to my father every month. He is retired, has no savings and doesn’t have a pension; just a small government aid stipend. He is also sick so he has medical bills. The thing is that I’m 25 and my husband and I aren’t on our feet yet. We got married a few months ago and our rented apartment isn’t even fully furnished with the basics. We have decent jobs but we don’t make a whole lot of money. I feel like I have a responsibility to help my father because I don’t want him to starve or be sick without care but honestly it’s such a burden. I give him like 10% of my personal salary and then he always calls a couple of weeks later to tell me about more money needs. We’re trying to buy a car, save for a down payment on a house and just buy a COUCH and every time I make a budget for the month and think about the money I have to give him and then consider that he’s going to call and ask me for more, I feel stressed out. I need new clothes and I can’t even afford to buy them. My husband and I are putting off having children because we don’t feel financially (or otherwise) ready but I kinda feel like I have a kid now that I’m supporting.

What pains me too is that my father is manipulative. He knows that if he tells me his problems I will help him. He acts like he doesn’t expect help and he’s just “telling me” but he clearly has expectations. When I was growing up he always talked about the things he expected me to buy him when I started working. He had the idea the entire time that I should be his pension. I feel bad for even having these thoughts. I wonder if I’m a terrible person for not being happy and willing to give him a big chunk of my salary but when I think of all the things we need, I feel stressed and I have long-standing issues with my father and the way he treated me and other people growing up that don’t make giving any easier.
P.S. I don’t live in the US. I live in a developing country so salaries and standards of living are much different.

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Lene June 17, 2016 at 3:01 am

I have the same issue with mine, they made poor life choices and now the children need to pay for it, if they are in some kind of trouble we need to fix it, their life is not stable, they move from one place to the next, “starting over” all the time. They constantly complain about how they suffer and I am sick and tired of it. They didn’t have a car so we needed to take them where they need to go now they have one but they are worse off. We always have to hear how tired my MIL is and she expects her son to buy medication for her on his medical aid and they do nothing to improve their situation and my sister in law is following the same example she is also always borrowing money and she doesn’t even have the courtesy to pay us back.

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Kat June 17, 2016 at 7:14 am

I hear you, I have the same problem with my mother in law and sister. They used to live a privileged life, but mom got on hard times because the husband left, the sister is still spoiled as ever as a teenager. We took on the responsiblity because there seems to be no one else. But the problem is they are in another country so we cannot get the full picture. We’re now going to visit them, so hopefully it’ll give us better insight on how to deal with them.

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PV1519 June 23, 2016 at 10:24 pm

This is a situation I can so relate to – but from the other end.

My husband’s parents do not need any financial help for now atleast as they have the money.. We don’t take anything from them either. They dont buy anything for me / my kid because I earn.
But on the other hand my parents are in desperate need of financial help and my husband refuses any financial help from me to my parents. We have big arguments over this and it makes me very sad. in fact I have to argue to pay my mum for the stuff I asked her to buy for me (as i live overseas and I need some stuff from India where they live).
I earn 7 times more money per month to what my husband earns and I work very hard for this.
Even after this, i have to argue to give like $100 to them as a one-off.

I am from India but been living overseas for 8 years now. I met my husband and he was fully aware of my parents financial situation prior to marriage. My parents were against the marriage (as they wanted an arranged one) – For the time he convinced them that he will help them and now after marrying me and having a child.. he thinks all my earnings must be for our family and i must not as a female help parents financially.

I am earning really good money but i am not happy because my parents are struggling for basic needs in their day-to day life.
Appreciate if anyone can give me some suggestions on how to deal with this situation.

I am a person who likes to give and share and my husband thinks I am not thinking of my family’s future and always thinking about parents..

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Maria July 28, 2016 at 7:56 pm

My situation is even worse,

To start with I’m in a relationship with guy who does not have both parents but only sisters while I still have mine.we currently stay far from each other because of our career paths and different jobs.

So basically my boyfriend lost his parents at a very young age whereby he was raised by his sister which I can say she’s a gardian to him. But now the challenge is when I met this guy I loved him for who he is not for where he comes from. And he was working as he does and I wasn’t. Then I got a job and had a baby almost at the same time. Then things started to change. I mean once one get a baby we start thinking our future differently all you need is your baby to be secured in the future. But to my boyfriend he feels that the right thing to do is to take care of his sisters who are not working and both of them have two kids each and everytime when I ask him where are the fathers of the kids he just says he does not know. I mean every month I have to admit that he sends money to them for food and I’m talking about people who are even older than me but they don’t want to work and me at the other hand I had to sacrifice staying far from the same man that I love just to make an income. My parents don’t eat a cent from me and worse part of it they stay with my daughter full time the only time my mom calls me about money is when my baby is sick. Yes we are from different backrounds because my father is still working but that does not mean my sisters in law must just relax and be maintained at their age.my boyfriend also have an older brother who is married and he left the house just after he got married and his wife was also having problems with the sisters in law.at this point we were supposed to be thinking about buying our own house for our child but guess what for some reason my boyfriend wants to build a house at his home first. I mean it’s not a bad thing to do that at all but given the fact that no one from his emmidiate family will be staying there it just does not make sense. I’m currently renting where I stay and his also renting and it’s a financial strain because I can’t even take my daughter to come stay with me I have to travel every week to go see her. I have tried several times to bring this to the table with him but I looked like a selfish girlfriend. According to him his doing all this because his sister was there for him when he was young which I also do understand but my question is: how long will this happen? Because now he supporting other men’s children more than his child.

Please help a sister out how do I resolve this?

Regards
Anonymous

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omar August 1, 2016 at 9:20 pm

Really???How is that a difficult problem,….more importantly how can logical person think(even just began to think that the wife is right)…WHEATHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BIOLOGICALLY CLOSER TO YOUR PARENT THEY WILL ALAWAYS BE YOUR PRIORITY(obviously this all being said but only by taking into account that the parents were infact good parents deserving of such support, now if they were bad parents to began with (alcholics etc, neglegent) than yes i would side with the wife thats just free loading…
But when the parent did his/her JOB now its time to do yours and take care of your parents …don’t tell me your going to be a wretched person and dump them in an old people home and leave them there(what kinda love is that, show them you love them by taking care of them, word love doesn’t mean shit if its not backed up by actions) i could go 60 years without telling my mother i love her but everyday i will do things for her make her life easier and yet you will know more than ever that I LOVER HER, more so than someone who always tells his mother ” i love you” ” i love you”….” i love you” but backtalks to them and doesn’t reciprocate the support that the parents gave to him growing up…

This is ridiculous…Any real man with actual balls and a decent brain will never think that financially supporting his parents 10000%(not just giving them a little bit of money) is wrong..Men need to be men and woman need to stay woman …(i’m married with a loving and devoted wife and she will never ever say something like don’t provide financial support to your parents) matter of fact shes been the one to tell me …”lets go get something for your parents” or “lets pay for their rent this month” etc…and do you know why shes like that? because SHE IS AN ACTUAL LADY ONE YOU WOULD WANT TO WIFE UP…she sees my parents as good deserving people so why would she object???Sorry but it seems like the wife in this situation isn’t thinking straight(doesn’t matter how nice she is …just because your nice doesn’t mean you can make 1+1=10….whats wrong is wrong regardless)

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Chinki November 9, 2016 at 5:34 pm

Guys, I have been married for 6 years. Both of r working. He pays house rent n other household since he is earning 2-3 times more salaried than me. We do not have joint account, no savings together, no idea if we will buy a house, no kids. He manages his expenses n rest for his family. I take care of my personal experiences, savings n health insurance. I felt unsecured for years n tried to talk to him but was humiliated. The day came when I realised the marriage is just being together n giving label. We do not share expenses, finances, goals, kids, vacations, passion but my husband says he has not given anything less in our marriage n he has a heavy baggage of family responsibilities. Not sure if this is called a partnership 😊

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fairy November 18, 2016 at 10:08 pm

NEED TO VENT!

My husband has also been taking care of my MIL and SIL since he was 18 years old or any time he had a job. We have been married for almost 4 years and before we were married my SIL would have control of his finances, she was on his bank account to pay his bills and give money to my MIL, all he would do was work. She would administer his money and often include herself into his expenses, GNO and gas tanks on him also her cable bill, a few day care payments, yea shes MARRIED..her husband works in the army and they have a daughter, which fine because granted my husband was staying with them since he would work away most of the year and only would come for a few months. ANYWAYS as soon as we got married she was out of the account.
Now on to My MIL: they have their SS income and we still give them 100 to each of them almost weekly, and we have always paid their rent (around $300 month, SIL supposedly pays the other half which i recently found out she doesnt, my MIL puts the other half). SIL pays the minor bills like cell phone & basic cable..adds up to about $140 a month? maybe less. In laws also take care of our home when we are away working and i appreciate them so much for that!
SIL is moving and cant afford two living expenses, they wanted to rent their house or sell it but they decided to move my MIL into their home (so they can still come down during holidays and still have a place to stay) but THEY WANNA CHARGE HER (aka my husband) RENT! $500 that’ll go towards her mortgage and its gonna come from our bank account ($300 from us and $200 from my MIL) HOWEVER, this was discussed with my husband but NEVER agreed to, just kinda in the air. It was a huge deal when this was mentioned to me because its like husband doesnt have a say, she just tells him whats going to happen and expects the money. My problem has always been that my MIL allows these people to take advantage of her (who charges their own mom rent?!) because she knows husband will give her money if she keeps falling short for “helping” everyone out.

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ashley December 5, 2016 at 3:29 am

My mother in law has been on disability for over 10 years. She is receiving $1600/month from government because she has a son. Her mental health has been declining more and more and we needed to move her to the states so she could be provided with better health care (yes, she is a US citizen). They moved in July 2016 and what was suppose to be 2 weeks to 1 month has now turned into 5 months. Past year (even before they arrived) I started to work a extra job to give my husband and I the financial support that would allow us to have date-nights, contribute to savings, keep our heads above water. I am bitter about the situation because my husband and I work very hard and would be living paycheck to paycheck if it weren’t for my second job. She smokes, does not budget her money (ie. can go to the grocery store and pick whatever she wants), and she eats fast food every night because she doesn’t want to cook or make food. She is picky about what kind of bread she wants and where she will buy her groceries. My refrigerator is taken up by their items (I cannot meal prep) and we have to hide our food because she will eat it. I want to charge her half rent/half utilities since she does have the income to help…what is your opinion? Ps: he has no great emotional attachment to her because of their past history, but only to his brother which was a package deal.

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Stephanie December 11, 2016 at 11:37 pm

I moved across the country for my fiance, to his hometown where his parents live. He is the kindest and most generous person but to an extreme. My fiancé does well and he’s helped his family when different siblings have needed it – but again always to an extreme. I respect it but feel it’s become his identity in his family. His mom has wanted a renovation on her kitchen for many years and every time she asked it was put off so something else could get done. My fiancé told me his is going to “lend” 10k to his father to finish the kitchen for his mom. I am all for helping when it’s necessary – if someone is sick, needs true help – but this seems excessive especially because they don’t need it. I love that he wants to be good to his mom but we have our own kitchen that needs renovating, will have kids someday soon, have a wedding and honeymoon we are planning and have tons of travel expenses to see my family and friends who live on the east coast. He seems to take things on because his family think he can – but I think his money should go to us and our family that will be growing soon. He’s 35 and he also currently pays his fathers phone bill. Thoughts? Am I awful or right?

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Briseide December 12, 2016 at 4:27 am

You are right but if for him it’s normal all this excessive help I don’t see how you can change his mind. I hope you will be luckier than I was, my fiancé decided to dump me in favor of his parents when I told him I don’t see things the way he does regarding this unnecessary help for his parents.
He regrets now his choice as he told me he wish he could go back into time to make better choices but the harm was done. Maybe you should have a conversation with your fiancé to address what bothers you and I wish you can come to a compromise. If you won’t have this conversation be sure he will continue to help his parents even if you are married and have your own children as it’s a normal behavior for him/them.
Good luck!

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S December 22, 2016 at 9:44 pm

My wife is killing me day by day. I know my parents need for their medicines and foods. They have home in village. they are in their 70s. but in her view they don’t need any money. I told thousands time it’s not like that. her parents are rich and in job right so she thinks my parents should be also like that.
I give only $200-$300 every two months and in some case emergency scenarios in one month. She has the problem in giving this much money to my parents and she all the time fight with me for this. She don’t want to understand and wanted to do her choices only.
She can say anything to my family but I’m not allowed to say anything to her family.

Mutual understanding is very much required otherwise it’s seems to be living in hell.

I can’t leave her because she has my daughter and also i can’t leave my parents.
what to do?

Thanks,
Unknown

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Cat December 22, 2016 at 10:55 pm

That sounds a bit extreme. But I’m not sure what your circumstances are. Do you earn enough money that can cover your parents expense no problem? If you have no problem taking care of your wife and have enough money to make sure you guys are financially sound, then I don’t see why giving some money to your parents when they have trouble financially (as long as it’s reasonable, and they’re doing what they can to not really bother you guys) should be a problem. Why is it your wife feel like you guys can’t spare some money? Does she worry that you guys would need that extra 200-300? Or does she feel like your parents don’t deserve it because they’re capable of taking care of themselves? Were you giving money to your parents before you guys were married or met and she knew about this all along or its just something that’s recent? Obviously the spouse in the relationship is always going to feel a little bit of strain when you give money to in laws because she/he doesn’t really have control over it to some extend and that could affect the relationship if it’s not something that’s agreed by both parties. Obviously in this thread, most people’s problem is when their SO are giving way more money than is reasonable. It’s never wrong to help your parents out once in a while or when they’re really in need as long as they don’t abuse it or were not good parents to begin with. Figure out the problem, try to slowly reason with her on why it’s a good thing to help them out (unless she really doesn’t like them). Make sure to treat her parents with respect, hopefully the positive things can influence her.

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Shujin51 January 8, 2017 at 7:26 am

U should have told her before u got married and have kids. Dont hide everything u do because if she finds out later she might not like it

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Shujin51 January 8, 2017 at 7:23 am

In most asian cultures it is normal for children to support their parents. If u know u r marrying a guy that has high priority in taking care of his family then u should expect that and not regret it later on. Either u take the whole package or u break up before it is too late. Simple as that. Even if they have grown up in the west it will barely change anything because the parents would teach them the same.

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Cat January 8, 2017 at 9:10 am

That’s true. Asians place their parents in high regards. But it’s also important in their culture to take care of their own family and kids, so most things like children’s education, housing, savings will be taken cared of. It’s very rare that they’d abandon their own family to take care of their parents if their parents are capable. I think most people here complain about too much suport given to the parents that it affects their own family. Besides most good Asian parents wouldn’t want to burden their kids unnecessarily. They might expect you to see them regularly, but their top priority is that the grandkids are taken cared of.

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Jane Danielle January 16, 2017 at 4:46 pm

When I read the post, I too felt someone was writing about my life! Honestly, it has been such a struggle to deal with my husband’s warped idea that his spoiled, arrogant parents (and sometimes sisters) deserved OUR money just to spend it on lifting their lifestyles. It is a very long story so I will try to give you the cliff notes. My husband told me very little about his parents prior to our marriage. I did not know he was taking out LOANS to give them. After our wedding I paid for, he asked me, a high school teacher, to give me what I had saved in order for him to invest it and to help pay off these loans. He promised me he would NOT give anymore money to his parents. He did pay-off the loans and, as far as I know, did not give them any more $. It has been difficult trusting whether he was being honest about not giving anymore to his parents or siblings. He did give the parents frequent flyers for trips, however – one to Ireland. I am a very frugal person having been a teacher and learned from a mother who was extremely careful with money. It was difficult for me to see these in-laws who frivolously spent money as if they were wealthy. My husband always told me that his Dad was like a child with money, yet continued to enable his destructive behaviors. To make matters worse, these people NEVER said thank you, much less did anything for us or our children. I was treated badly by and/or ignored at “family” gatherings by MIL, FIL and the rest of the siblings despite having endured all the royal treatment given to my husband’s parents and giving gifts to nieces and nephews. When FIL died, we (and supposedly the rest of the siblings) had to foot the bill for the funeral and an extravagant luncheon afterwards. We of course had to fly there as usual while other family members were nearby. Our daughter was asked to sing at the funeral. She had to fly in separately because she was in a concert the night before. Again, not one single thank you from the MIL. The siblings decided that each family would give MIL a certain amount of money per month. She is in a retirement home fully paid for (food and shelter). Four years ago, I was checking our bank account and discovered that that amount per month had changed to 3 times the original amount agreed to. My husband had not bothered to tell me, much less had he asked me, that he was giving his mom 3 times as much. I guess he thought I would never check our JOINT bank account so he would get away with it. Unbelievable! We had one child in college at that point. That was a very big fight, which he won, as always, when it came to HIS family, and, evidently, HIS money. Two years ago, my husband’s siblings sent out an email asking how much everyone would contribute to purchase a NEW car for MIL. She was 86 at the time. I responded “You’re kidding, right?” I actually did not intend for that response to be sent, but I accidentally sent it. I was then cursed out by one of my husband’s brothers in another response email which all the siblings received. It took him a few days to respond, but my husband actually stood up for me. (That was a first!) I eventually sent a letter saying everything I wanted to say to that BIL who cursed me out for not giving even MORE to his spoiled, ungrateful mother. There have been other occurrences since, but the monthly stipend continues without anyone monitoring how MIL spends other peoples’ money. Please, give me your responses and tell me what to do from here. Thanks!

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Cat January 16, 2017 at 6:49 pm

Wow, that seems difficult. I’m not sure how much you’re contributing and how much it affects you financially. I’m in a similar situation, where my husband is giving MIL and SIL money to support themselves, it happened right around the time we got married, and was kind of emergency because the MIL hadn’t been working for a while and the husband left her. It was intended to be a short term support, and the sister was going to college. Thankfully this was in a another country where standard of living was low. Even though his mom hasn’t raised him, we felt it was the right thing to do. But I did kind of disagree with the amt he was sending, but he said it was temporary, he just didn’t want them to worry about money while figuring out what to do. But after we saw how much we been giving and it was mismanaged, we tried to decrease it to a reasonable level. But at that point they were used to us giving money that squeezing anything was hard. My husband constantly want the MIL to do something with her life, but I know it’s impossible unless he strains her financial situation, which he probably is unwilling to do despite the fact he’s tired of it. It really sacked because it’s probably one of the reason he drank so much. Also the sister is an adult now, but she doesn’t take school seriously, and dropped out. We expected her to get a job, atleast we won’t support her spending money, the most she can have is some basic support from the mom. She does plan to go back to school again, but having to start over. I do have fears about how we’re going to handle her in the future, if the mom wasn’t involved, we’d probably cut her off unless there’s real emergency. Anyways, just to let you are not alone. But it seems like you’ve been putting up with this for a while. It seems like the whole family has this mentality, so it’s probably impossible for your husband to change. Unhonestly I think it’s entirely up to you, your husband is not on the same team as you, he won’t think what he is doing is wrong because his siblings are doing it, and he doesn’t want to feel like the odd one out and want to save face. Have you talked about your goals with him in which you might need the money to invest in something both of ur future? Or do you guys already have all that set? Maybe start setting more goals, like saving up for nice anniversaries, your own retirements. If he thinks those are less important than giving unnecessary money to MIL, then you really married someone who doesn’t care about his own immediate family. Does your kids know about this? What kind of attitude do they have about it? Because if it does come down to leaving him one day, atleast you want someone on your side. Otherwise you can just hope the MIL to kick the can at some point. But you should consult someone obviously before just listening to people on the Internet, but just be prepared to be told some tough choices.

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Jane Danielle January 17, 2017 at 11:25 am

Thanks, Cat, for your comment. We have done well financially despite the fact that I haven’t worked full time since marrying my husband. He makes a nice living and says we can afford to give to the monster-in-law. Yes, you’re right. He uses the “I want to give what my siblings give” to her. He sometimes forgets that his parents took advantage of him as soon as he began working after putting himself through college. Supposedly, that stopped after I helped him pay off loans he took out for them. At first, 2 sisters-in-law (married to my husband’s brothers) despised how the greedy, selfish parents (and sometimes sister) behaved. So, in the beginning, I actually had people to talk to about the situation. Now, it seems they are on the other side. WEIRD. I do not talk with them anymore because I wonder where their loyalty lies! Our daughters do NOT like the situation nor the mean grandparent. I do not think the other grandchildren like them either, but we are not around them that much. It is mind-boggling to me why my husband and his siblings have treated these people like royalty. (They are Catholic and had 7 kids. 2 of them were killed while playing at some construction site. The mother, I feel, was responsible for this. She was negligent, etc.) If my husband had not been a great person and a good provider, I think I would have left a long time ago. I’m just still praying that God will take care of this!!! : -)

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Cat January 17, 2017 at 12:05 pm

Hi,then sounds like this hasn’t affect you guys financially. I guess as much as you don’t like this, if your husband’s able to afford it and still provide you guys with decent living without sacrifices, then he does have the right to determine what he would spend his free cash on. The only thing is you just don’t like how the mother in law doesn’t deserve the amt she is getting, it seems unfair. You just have to determine if this situation would be something that would make you unhappy despite the things that make you happy in your marriage. Honesty if you are constantly unhappy, maybe it’s no use torturing yourself. But you can also just accept it as a package that comes with marrying your husband.

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lee January 24, 2017 at 3:19 pm

Many cultures this is true……..taking care of family. Mothers fathers.
The couple needs to sit down and talk about IF they can afford to help. Do not sink your own ship. Discuss how much THEY can afford to give away…….Once you open this Pandora box; difficult to close.
Right now the inlaws …..are looking for help.The son should sit down with parents and discuss their financial situation. Discuss their WILL……..if they are willing to take………They should be willing to discuss their financial situation. As a father who has gone into Nursing care…….and lost his home; and all his assets…….Needs to be discussed.

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Shannon January 30, 2017 at 12:41 am

I am considering divorce for this exact reason. The way I see it I need to cut my losses now. Sure I love my husband but he is putting his parents over our family. I earn twice as what he earns so he does not even contribute half the bills. We have given them 8000 plus our old car we could have sold. 5k was a loan they said they would pay back in 3 months and well a year went by before we forgave their debt so we would not have to nag them. They have not saved anything for retirement and don’t have health insurance but let his 26 year old sister live with them not even working. They had to get a two bedroom apartment do waste 300 a month letting the youngest sister who is an adult live with them.

Do I get out now?

Our house is not even paid off so the way I see it we do not have a penny to give. Plus with my income our kids won’t qualify for financial aid so we need to save for our kids college and our retirement. I work hard for my money and over my dead body am I going to give it to someone who makes poor financial decisions. His mom flew to the phillipeans twice in the last year which is over 4K and his grandma died with 10k funeral insurance and somehow they spent 23k and are now asking us for money. I can’t take it anymore we agreed no more and now he wants to help them again.

PS he never even got my a diamond ring since he could not afford it but we can afford to give his dead grandma money…….(and the only memory he has of her is her yelling at him). Sick of him
Putting dead people and people who fiscally screw us on top of his real family.

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rachelle February 15, 2017 at 7:57 am

Same issue here. I felt so bad that our savings including my PERSONAL savings were used to pay for the hospital bills and financially support my in laws while my father in law uses their saved money to support his mistress and his children with the mistress.
Well yes, it is part of the culture to give back to parents but I think there should be limit.

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Cat February 15, 2017 at 8:29 am

But is that something your husband is ok with, essentially giving money so the father in law can support the mistress? Is the mom still alive? I can understand maybe if he is a widower and that’s just his partner. But if not then that’s a whole another set of issue, maybe the circumstance is more complex, but I don’t see how your mother in law would acrept this unless she’s no longer there.

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Anonymous March 4, 2017 at 9:04 am

I am from Africa and my country is one of the poorest in the world. I came to the US for a better life and I make very good money. I have 2 nephews that my brother left behind when him and wife died. I have other siblings but are unable to help because the economic situation is not favorable in Africa. I am not allowed to help these 2 orphans or even sent $100 to say the least to my family. I am ready to file for divorce because my heart bleeds for my family. We have been married for over 20 years and this has always been an issue with helping my family who really need help. If I give them $200 even every 3 months it means a lot to them. We argue about this every time I send money and I can’t afford to see my family suffer. They are hard workin but there are no jobs with 90% unemployement in country. I am ready to divorce.

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Pritz March 14, 2017 at 1:03 am

This is such a common norm with soo many situations above. Guess this issue is with many men.
In my case too my husband has to send money to his parents, always. Either they are really needed or there is an arrangement of getting into some investment where we have to send money. My father in law is a great example of mismanagement, he has not made his own home ND invested his money somewhere where he lost. And now we have to make a home for them.
I told my husband that lets split the house bills in half so that you will know how much he can afford to give to his parents. This will give me equal Independence to spend my share either on my parents, myself or for our savings. But my husband does not agree and says if we had to do this then y did we even marry?
Leaving me just helpless.
He wants to do everything for his parents, but my parents are not his priority.
His mother is really nice but is always unwell, and demands more of our attention and help financially. But that means I cannot give what my parents deserve from me.
Guess, women’s fight for equally has not yet achieved because we care about two families and men just think of one (their owns).

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Jane Danielle March 21, 2017 at 4:39 pm

I do not think this situation with selfish, irresponsible parents is “normal”! I think that most parents want the best for their children and do not believe that their children owe them anything. Most parents want their kids to grow up, be responsible for themselves, have their own families and be happy! The last thing that most good parents want is to be burdens on their children!

I believe that these few parents who are burdens on their children are lazy and extremely selfish, even EVIL! They obviously did not plan to be self-sufficient in their older years, but planned to mooch off their children. These are the kinds of people who never should have had kids in the first place. They ruin their kids’ lives and their grandkids’ lives and they do. not. care! I know this because I had the kind of mom who had to support 3 children on her own (father died when we were young) and would have done anything in her power NOT to be a burden. If anyone needed help, it was MY mother. Then, I met my husband’s parents. They are the total opposite. They took money, mostly, from my husband. He tried to stop it when we were married, yet they still asked and expected freebies all the time! They NEVER said thank you much less did anything for us and our children. They are like the people who get hand-outs from hard-working people like us who are perfectly able to work but refuse to do so, which the rotten government should end, by the way!! There must be a special place in h*** for this type of person!

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shweta March 21, 2017 at 4:01 am

my marriage is only 3months old its a love marriage. my husband and my mother in law only we 3 are in our family. my father in law expired very early so my husband take over all the responsbility of my house. but my mother in law is very discussing women. she never give us any privacy at home and only behave like we are child and she is the one who has full knowledge of house responsibilities. she take 8000 from my husband and she forced me to give the salary to her. but this is not needed because in 8000 all ok at home and iave saved my salary for our new house. i refuced to give salary but my husband against and said that to convey her mother for our wedding he promised that i will give her salary but i am not aware of this at all. now i dont understand what to do? i dont want to give her my salary.

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Dian May 1, 2017 at 10:12 am

This is happening in my relationship. My husband pays for his parents air fare tickets to get them to their country of origin where they have built a new house. They own a house in the U.S. and in another country free and clear, they owe nothing. They own two cars when one of them drives. Both cars are paid for. My main issue is that my husband won’t include me on financial decisions for his parents, however, expects me to take an active role in saving for our retirement by managing our investments and by being frugal. Some years ago his father told a realtor in front of my husband that this son “was not established” (meaning wasn’t making good money). This has stayed with me. How unkind of him to say that and never be expected to apologize but now turn and get hand outs. We have a mortgage, we have a son in private school, we have a grown (married) daughter. I feel strongly that I am expected to be adult like and pay my bills the in laws should also. I don’t feel they should be enabled. I have asked my husband to set up a budget for them so there isn’t this expectation that when I need $$ my son will give it to me. That puts so much stress on my husband and ultimately to our marriage.

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