In-laws. If you’re lucky, you have great ones. Some people aren’t as lucky.
There is a couple I know that has encountered some interesting issues with in-laws. I know this couple well, so I won’t make the details identifiable – and will relay the situation is a slightly different way. But you’ll get the idea of what the issues are.
Anyway, the guy’s parents are seemingly nice people on the surface, as are the woman’s parents. However, his parents have a built-in expectation that they should be given some kind of financial support from their son. This isn’t something that they directly discuss with his wife, but they have instilled in him over the years – and probably growing up – that it’s his responsibility first and foremost to make sure his parents are financially taken care of. In other words, taking care of elders comes first, as payback for all they have done to raise you over the years.
His wife, on the other hand, does not pay her parents anything. She finds it hard to imagine parents taking money from adult kids, much less expecting to receive it. Needless to say, this is a source of conflict.
She doesn’t want him to pay his parents. She feels that they don’t truly need the money, as they live in a home that’s seemingly paid for. They don’t appear wealthy, but they don’t appear to truly be struggling either. Her in-laws appear to be in good health.
Her viewpoint is that income that a couple earns is for them to support themselves and their own children.
His viewpoint, on the other hand, is that since he works hard for his money, he should be able to give money to his parents if he wants to. He sees it as his duty to help them, whether she likes it or not. In his view, they are a part of the package and she should understand that. Clearly, she doesn’t.
This money that he gives them is in the thousands of dollars annually, from what I understand. I don’t know the exact amounts, but that’s what I’ve inferred. That’s a significant enough amount for them, it would seem, and could be used to help with retirement savings or to help fund the kids college account. It must burn her to think that money that could be used for their family is being given to his parents as a priority – despite her having a problem with it.
What do I think? I happen to agree with her. I don’t see how money can be spent to support others outside the core, immediate family unit, when those needs aren’t fully being met. Perhaps more importantly, one of the two people in the relationship does not approve of these large allocations of money to others outside the family unit. I think the parents seem to be freeloaders.
Am I being harsh? Or am I right in siding with her?
My Questions for You:
Who do you agree with here, the husband or the wife?
Do you think that parents have a right to expect financial support from kids, as payback for all they have done throughout life?
Do you think that one person in a relationship has the right to give money to parents even if the other strongly objects?
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Ohh. That one is tough. I have a great mother in law so I have no problem helping her out if she needs it.
Jai – what if you didn’t think she needed the money, but exepected to be paid?
Jeez I hope this couple can weather this storm. I think his parents are being unfair, but if it’s something they’ve instilled his whole life, there’s little hope of changing them. Sounds like a compromise is in order — perhaps he can give his parents some amount that his wife deems fair?
Kathleen – I suppose compromise might be an option, as would be the case in many marital disagreements. In this case, not sure though!
Wow, that is a tough one! Family comes first but asking for more sacrifice than is necessary seems unfair.
Paul – that’s the thing, giving more than necessary just because they feel entitled seems unfair. But, clearly not to everyone!
Sounds like a cultural difference. I know this doesn’t help this couple, but for goodness sakes people need to talk over these sorts of things before marriage! It seems like the husband has know about this obligation his whole life so he really should have let her in so they could have compromised before the situation arose.
In my culture children are not usually expected to take care of parents so if mine sprung that on me I wouldn’t be happy. But I also think it’s unfair to pull the rug out from under these parents in their twilight years when part of their retirement plan has always been for their son to help support them. No one wants to see the people who cared for them destitute. I think the only viable solution is to have MUCH more open communication about what standards of living are necessary for each family and create a clear agreement as to how much support the son can reasonably provide going forward. It probably won’t be as much as the parents expected or as little as the wife would provide, but that’s the nature of compromise. Would the wife rather the parents move in with them?
Emily – I totally agree that such things should be discussed before marriage. Talking about things in detail makes sense, of course many people in that situation only think of the excitement and the wedding, and not things like this!
My husband gave his parents between $1000-$2000 a month prior to our marriage. He did this for 7 years!!! I told him that I was against it because his parents does not need the money. He in turn told his father who then took a huge dislike to me.
I was firm though. I would 100% be in favor of supporting his parents completly if they needed the money. But it boggled my mind for them to take it when they do not. That was a huge amount of money that could have been used for our downpayment.
Anyways, we have been married for 3 years and we have not given them monetary support other than pay for trips to encourage them to go on vacation. They are doing well, though my father-in-law probably still holds a grudge against me.
Tough to answer. I help my parents financially. And I know they need money.
SB – good for you for helping out when they need the money!
Thankfully my parents are financially sound and I positive they would never feel entitled to my money.
When I was in college and high school my father used to say, “I don’t expect anything from you ….. Just stop taking..”
Drew – funny, maybe not taking is actually giving, when you do the math
While it seems to me the kind of thing that should have come up during the courtship, I would side with the guy on this one. Before everyone bought into this idea of retirement, the natural order of things was that you supported your children when they were young, and then they supported you when you were old.
Edward – I do think that in general, helping parents in need is honorable. So, I hope that isn’t lost in my post and comments. That being said, in this case, the parents seemed to be financially fine or at least not hurting. The husband’s insistence that they get money anyway is what bothered the wife I believe.
We help out my grandmother finanancially. She is in Lithuania, and there is no way she can survive on her pension. Sometimes my mother-in-law would ask for some money to help her pay property taxes. I do not object, neither does my husband. However, we do that not on a monthly basis. It is all reasonable and we do all we can.
Aloysa – that makes sense, they’re in true need apparently, right? The people in the post didn’t have a serious need, which is why the wife seemed upset about it.
Really great discussion on a difficult choice.
I faced this same dilemma. My parents need help financially. They immigrated to the US, gave up their white collar jobs to raise their children in a safer environment with more opportunities for the motivated youth. I have made it clear that I want to help my family financially ever since we met. It’s something I feel like it’s a duty. Maybe the financial situation is different. My parents take care of themselves by working hard, but they live modestly.
His parents are very well of, and honestly don’t need any help.
SFL -I think that if you made it very clear from the beginning, that’s understandable and much different situation. It seems like your parents made some big sacrifices for their kids, and that’s so great!
But what if you’re husband is the only one asked to give support to his father? Even though he has other siblings? And we can’t really afford it to do on a monthly basis. Isn’t it unfair because we know how his family spent money on unnecessary things ?
Cielo – things can often be very unfair in such situations, which is unfortunate. When helping causes you to feel hardship, and the others wasted money in the first place, it would be frustrating.
When I first read the post, I felt as if someone had been writing about my own life. My husband’s parents have all but wrecked our marital relationship over this issue. I don’t understand why I and my child should have to pay for the financial indiscretions indulged in by my in-laws over the years – they were wasteful and extravagant fifteen years ago and still are. Curiously enough, no one seems to be ready to extend the same generosity to my parents. I work hard – thirty hours a week – and at the beginning of every month, I find a big chunk of our family earnings being debited to my in-laws. this is a perfect example of how outsiders can damage a beautiful and passionate relationship between partners.
Kalyani – I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. It sounds very unfair to you, and I agree that others can get in the way. Now, I don’t know if I would call in-laws outsiders, but they’re certainly not a priority. Also, it seems unfair that one set of in-laws gets money, while the other parents don’t receive the same generosity. Anyway, I hope things can get straightened out. Best wishes to you.
Hi,
I have to say. I am that person, you could not have described my situation any better. Add to the equation that my brother-in-law has not worked for two years, has a huge car debt that now my in-laws are paying because “mama’s boy” does not want to get rid of his precious car. So, whatever money my husband is sending to his parents is also now to support the brother. So my in laws continue to enable him.
The worst part is that my in-laws are in full shape and capable of working. Is just their mindset (specially my FIL) that thinks that now his children owe them.
Imagine that my FIL told my BIL (not long ago) that the credit card and the bank had to wait and understand that he was out of a job and therefor he did not have to pay them. Of course we ended bailing him out paying the full credit card debt of 4,500. Plus we found out that from his last job. My BIL had a layoff payment of over 40,000 and he just decided to blow it off instead of making good decisions (and he has a finance major…oh the irony!).
I am completely against giving them money as it enables them to keep doing nothing. If they were disabled or something of the sort, then ok. Or even if I saw them trying really hard to overcome this situation. But they are not!!
My husband and I have made great efforts to provide financial stability for our family. It is just unfair that instead of having one child I now have 4 where 3 of them are long grown up.
It is frustrating and devastating.
Gabriela – I completely sympathize with you. It sounds unfair to you. Spouse and kids should be the priority, not inlaws who aren’t facing a genuine crisis. They aren’t children, and shouldn’t take away from money that can help your life. I wish you all the best.
Heres the thing just because they raised you and helped you all the way is no reason to feel forced for parents in laws to have the need to feel rightfully deserving money all the time. They chose to have children, and they choose to care for them as any parents should have so why expect something in return financially when not needed. I absolutely can not stand my mother in law she is manipulative and a free loader and my husband is blind to see and i cant take it we have no savings and only been married a few months and his parents are sucking every penny out of our finances. They also expect for us to pay over $5,000 for vacation expenses for them to come to OUR house since we live so far apart when this is not even a necessity as they claim to be tight in money (this is not knew it has always been like that since he was like 12!), i just dont think is right. Parents need to let their children live their lives! My parents in law are a real PAIN!!! I hate how my parents are so amazing and understanding!
Hi,
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we still have no proper savings in the bank. We are currently living in my father’s house because we cannot afford to stand on our own, although my husband has his work but my mother-in-law often takes 20% of his income to support her own priorities, i don’t know where the hell the money goes but the point is I tried convincing my husband to lessen the amount so that our savings will increase making us able to stand on our own…
I dislike his mother because not only she doesn’t like me but she also manipulates my husband by using her “pity moves” as her weapon. My husband is a great guy and very generous but how can I stop this? I’am so frustrated because we now have an infant and I, myself on the other hand, is struggling to earn for a living to support my son and me, and as for my husband’s income -either I don’t really take his earnings and/or he just doesn’t really like to share.
What shall I do?
That sounds like an unfortunate situation, and one that appears very unfair. You have no savings, but 20% of your money goes to the in-laws? That doesn’t sound like you two are operating as a couple, but they are a part of the inner core of the family as well. I hope you can work toward having each other as the priority, and in-laws and others as secondary priorities that do not interfere. All the best wishes to you.
Jho,
I can relate to the second paragraph that where you are saying that, you are trying to raise money for you and your son, but you never really take your husband’s earnings and or he doesn’t really like to share.
You just have to be strong and always bear in mind that the wife have a claim from their husbands.
In my case it was really difficult the first time I got pregnant, I never ask any money from my husband so I have to fund for myself by getting a job even when pregnant. He only shells out money if I take him with me to the doctor every time I need to have a check up so he’ll pay the bill, after all the baby is his.
When my son was born, and I couldn’t take it anymore, I spoke with my husband in private, about how I felt about the whole situation, as I quit my job then and had no money, which will make me ask him every time a house bill needs to be paid, or I need to eat.
I got tired and feel like I’m done with the situation. So I told him, it doesn’t feel like marriage if he doesn’t share or surrender his income with me considering, we now have a baby and I don’t want to always be asking him for support even if we live in the same house. I am a wife and not a beggar!
I also gave an ultimatum that if ever the situation continues, I am not afraid to separate from him because I know how to earn my way, if he doesn’t want to support me and my son.
From then on, I handle his salary ATM card.
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